Chapter 18
Yuri ducked his head into the bedroom to find Star had vanished from the room and Radu was still asleep. He glanced back at Lucian and Theo, who was now trying to wake for the day. “Which way is Star’s room?”
“Across the hall, down two doors,” Lucian said. “Do you want me to come with you?”
Yuri waved him off, amused by the way Lucian’s gaze followed the sleepy seraph’s every move. “Meet me in the kitchen later? I’ll gather Star and we’ll make some food. Should we wake Radu?”
“Nah. He’ll get up soon. The empty bed will rouse him,” Lucian said. “We all become big teddy bears for him to wrap himself around. The most amusing is when Barney crawls into bed with him and he wakes up staring into the winking hole of the cat’s ass.”
Yuri bit back a laugh at the thought. The purple cat had vanished from its perch near the door of the bathroom and bounced onto the bed, and seemed to be working its way under the covers.
Yuri tiptoed across the room and out to the main hall.
He found the door to Star’s room, knocked lightly and paused to listen.
He hated to invade Star’s space, but his gut worried a thousand things might go wrong between them after their ages of separation.
They hadn’t sat down to really talk about the past, and while Yuri remembered a lot of it now, it didn’t feel like him anymore.
A new life meant he could restart, right?
What about Star? Would Yuri have to lose him again and wait for him to be reborn for him to start anew?
The door opened a crack, Star peering out with a hesitant gaze, blinking at the brightness.
“Hi,” Yuri said. “You okay?”
Star nodded.
“Can I come in, or…?”
Star hesitated.
“You don’t have to,” Yuri said quickly. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”
Star opened the door and stepped aside. Yuri swallowed hard but slid into the room, blinking at the dim lights, surprised by how dark and empty it was.
Star closed the door behind him, but said nothing.
He stood nearly motionless beside the door, his breathing shallow, and a sense of tension rising from him.
Yuri turned to study him, finding Star as beautiful as always, but the anxiety in his guarded expression making Yuri worry. “What’s wrong?” Yuri asked.
“Nothing.”
“Why does that sound like a lie?”
“I thought you’d be mad at me, or sad, or something.”
“Why?” Yuri tilted his head to look at Star, wondering where this was coming from.
“Because of everything.”
Yuri reached out to grasp Star’s hand and pull him into a gentle hug. The man stood stiff against him for a few seconds before relaxing into his arms. They fit together perfectly, nearly matched in size, but two halves of a whole would always align like they were meant to.
“I love you, Star. If you need me to highlight something from the past and tell you I forgive you, or it doesn’t matter, tell me and I’ll do it.”
“Why would you forgive me? I did a lot of terrible things.”
Yuri had memories of some not-so-great things he’d done himself. Survival, pain, and fear brought out the worst in anything. Those dark bits had escaped in the beginning and refused to ever return to the hidden realms.
“In this lifetime?” Yuri wondered. “I don’t feel the same as the memories…” He didn’t know how to convey the difference, only that things from the past touched him like images on a screen from a movie he once saw.
“I am mortal too, now,” Star said. “But I remember it all. I was General Astarion for a few centuries. He was a soldier. I’m still him when I leave here.”
“Okay. What about things that bring you joy? Did you do anything as the general that brought you happiness?”
“Found you,” Star said, his voice wistful.
“Yes. I am here,” Yuri agreed. He put his arm around Star’s waist and guided him further into the room, surprised at how bare it was.
Even the bed had little more than a single blanket and pillow on it.
Maybe he rarely spent time in here. Yuri’s room, though he had only just arrived, was filled with blankets, soft pillows, shelves full of books, and fun trinkets they had all gathered for him.
Maybe Star had been focused on that? “Do you spend a lot of time with Radu and Theo? Or even Lucian?”
“Not really.”
“Why?”
“I don’t feel worthy of them.”
Yuri thought about that and chewed his lip. “Will you come to my room and then help me with breakfast? I need to get some clothes.” He suspected anything that fit him would fit Star, though Star was a little leaner.
Star hesitated again.
“You don’t have to,” Yuri said.
“I want to. I just…” Whatever he wanted to add, he let fade away unspoken.
“Okay.” Yuri didn’t push Star for answers, but let go of his waist to reach down and grab his hand and guide him out of the dark, empty room, and down the hall to Yuri’s.
His space, while the drapes were closed, allowed some light to glow through the windows.
It wasn’t the massive hall of their shared bedroom, but small and cozy, filled with soft, warm, and bright things.
“I forgot to ask who decorated in here?”
“Um, everyone, mostly,” Star said, lingering near the door as Yuri went to his dresser and picked out a pair of comfy jeans, boxers, and a T-shirt.
“Yeah? Anything in particular you added?”
“The blankets.” Star gazed at the bed.
They were soft, fluffy things with the texture of fur, though didn’t smell or feel like they’d been from animals. Some sort of fake fur, perhaps? Yuri ran his fingertips over the nearest one. “I love them. It’s like cuddling in a warm hug. Maybe you can nap with me in here later.”
Star blinked, emotions crossing his face that moved too fast for Yuri to read.
“No?” Yuri asked, careful.
“I don’t think everyone will fit in this bed.
I could probably make this room bigger, but it might take a while.
I share power to create this world with the others, Raphael, Uriel, and even Michael.
If I pull from what we have to add size here it will make the space smaller and lose something else, like a tree or a lake or something… ” He explained quickly.
“Don’t do that. The room is fine. Why would everyone need to fit if we are just having a nap?” Yuri wondered.
“Don’t you want them all with you?”
“Well, yes, but not every second of every day. Don’t you want to spend time with just Radu?”
Star winced.
Yuri sighed. He dug out a pair of soft leggings and a warm sweater, holding them out for Star. “I want you to be happy, Star. I know you feel things for Radu, Theo, and even Lucian. I’m okay with that. I want them to love you, too.”
Star took the stack of clothes, staring at them as though he’d never seen them before, but he wore a set of pajamas Yuri thought must have been something Theo or Lucian had chosen for him.
They were long-legged and long-sleeved with ravens all over them, but the background was teal.
He hugged himself often either as a way to keep from touching everyone or because he was cold.
Yuri hoped as time passed, Star would open up to him more.
“How can I accept other’s love…” Star whispered.
“When you don’t love yourself?” Yuri completed.
Star’s gaze whipped upward to meet Yuri’s.
“I hear the voices in my head,” Yuri said pointing to his skull. “This lifetime and a thousand others engraved my soul with the voices of the shadows.”
“I would have spared you that if I could.”
Yuri smiled. “I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be me without them. Do they make me doubt? Yes. I worry that you will all wake up one day and think I’m not worth it.”
“How do you… overcome that?”
“I don’t really overcome it as much as I understand that each moment together in the here and now is more important than a thousand other past lives.
Did we do stupid things in the past? Sure.
Will we do some in the future? Probably.
It’s what it means to be mortal, right? Live and learn?
Hopefully not be as stupid in the next lifetime. I’d like to love in the meantime.”
Star changed into the new clothes, only hesitating a little, and not avoiding Yuri’s gaze. Yuri dug out a pair of thick fuzzy socks too, and handed them over.
“How is it anything I want appears?” Yuri asked. “I’m not a creator anymore, right? You said you and the other archangels created it? But it responds to me?”
“Catalyst, not creator. You are the beginning and the end. You could wish this all to stop and we’d be sent back to our worlds,” Star said, slipping on the socks.
“This world between is fueled by my magic. Others add to it. You and I are one soul separated by chaos, so technically you can do anything here and my magic will let you.”
“Is this power you were meant to use for the Onari?” Yuri asked, wondering if they were violating some other rule or plan his ancient self had created.
“No. Creators will create until the day they die. I have nothing left to give the Onari, and leave their progress to the young. I could leave this world, commit myself to a few more centuries of life as Onari and fade to the next life.”
“Sowed your wild oats, eh? Lovers abound?”
Star flushed and shook his head. “Not really.” His stomach growled and he glared at it as though it betrayed him.
“Let’s get you some food,” Yuri said.
Star sighed. “I don’t wish to hurt the prince’s feelings, but his biscuits are like eating sand. The strawberries have flavor, so I don’t think it’s just me.”
“Biscuits?” Yuri held out his hand for Star, happy when the man took it. They headed down through the house, most of the curtains drawn to let in little light, which Yuri found strange, but Star moved along the darkest edges as if afraid to touch the few sections where light glowed.