Chapter 21
The laughter rose from outside as the sun set. Star sat in the dark corner of the living space, contemplating getting up to join them. They would welcome his company, and Yuri often begged for his presence, but Star hesitated.
The front door opened, and Raphael entered. The angel’s transformation made him look more like a seraph filled with rainbow colors and delicate bone structure. Pretty as seraphim often were, and it annoyed Star.
“Yuri asked me to check on you,” he said.
“I’m fine,” Star said. Of course he had. Yuri worried a lot.
“Uriel is very proud of the pergola he built. It’s pretty. Lots of flowers and space to dance underneath the trundles. Radu has been trying to teach all of your lovers to dance. You should join them now that it’s dark.”
It sounded exhausting to Star.
“You don’t want to dance with Yuri?” Raphael asked when Star didn’t move.
“I’ve only ever danced in dreams.”
Raphael perched on the top of the table near Star’s corner chair. Star swallowed back his irritation. “Does anything interest you in this lifetime?”
Star’s biggest fear permeated every part of his thoughts these days.
Was there anything beyond the overwhelming strength of emotions?
Sometimes he was desperate for Yuri, or to be held down by Radu, or even take control of Theo.
Other days he feared what they expected of him, and since he could no longer hear them in his head, the mystery made his anxiety worse.
They all had things they found joy in outside of each other. Radu with art and music, Lucian reading and food, Theo gardening, and Yuri baking. How could he find something else to interest him when he had everything he needed and feared touching it would make it all shatter?
“Yuri,” Star answered.
“And?”
Star had nothing else. “What is Uriel doing?”
“Building. I suspect it’s the puzzle of the patterns that interests him.
He struggles with emotion as well. But he’s easier for me to read.
He stops, stares into the distance, and I can see him working things out.
He also responds when I ask. I don’t know it all, but I try to help.
I think you should let the others help you.
Theo is worried about you, too,” Raphael added.
“I’m fine.”
“Overwhelmed by the onslaught of new emotions,” Raphael corrected. “Refusing to ask for help in managing and understanding what you feel and think.”
Star flinched.
“It’s one thing to instruct another on the varied facets of emotions, but to feel them yourself, all at once?
I understand better than most.” Raphael sighed.
“I’m thrilled to have Uriel back, but he’s struggling.
I keep thinking, if I can’t help him, how can I help anyone?
I am a healer. My heart leaps in joy at the idea of helping others. ”
“I don’t need your help.”
Raphael studied him, not fooled for a minute. “What do you think will happen if you tell them you’re overwhelmed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Theo uses that phrase to think. But he turns to Lucian and asks for clarification. Sometimes Yuri or Radu as well. You and Theo have a lot in common. Do you trust the seraph?”
“And what will he think when he learns I teased him about things I couldn’t understand until now?” Star snapped. “Won’t he hate me?”
“Do you think he doesn’t know?” Raphael asked. “Theo isn’t blind to your storm of emotions.”
Star’s stomach sank. Raphael was right. Was the seraph mocking him, or trying to be careful?
Why did his mind go to willful harm? Fucking Gabriel.
Star wondered again if he would get any closure from finding the bastard in his rotting world of nastiness and stomping the worm back into a gooey pulp of non-existence.
“I don’t know what to do,” Star whispered. “When happiness rises, fear slides in with it, threatening to tear it away.”
“What if you lean on the others more? Try the things they enjoy? Perhaps it will inspire you.”
“I can’t dance,” Star said, certain, though he’d never tried outside of a dream.
“Okay,” Raphael agreed. “Neither can I. But strangely enough, Uriel can. He spun me around the floor like he’s been doing it forever.
His smile made my dizziness worth it. Sometimes he cries, and I hold him.
Sometimes I cry and he holds me. If dancing makes him smile, I will dance with him.
If building helps him heal, then I will find a thousand patterns and plans for him to build an empire. ”
“And if I make a fool of myself?”
“Do your men care?” Raphael got up and headed for the door. “I’m going to drag Uriel home. Maybe step out and spend some time with them. Last I saw, they were hopping around the floor like rabbits.”
“Rabbits?” Star shot to his feet in confusion.
Were they infected with something? He followed Raphael out, and found Yuri and Theo in the middle of the dance floor beneath glowing lights in the pergola, bumping hips and wiggling around with no actual rhyme or rhythm.
Radu played a violin, the song upbeat and unfamiliar.
Lucian clapped and stomped his foot in time to the music.
Uriel stood off to the side, tall and thin, with a touch of the seraph rainbow colors despite hiding in the dark corner.
His long, dark hair pulled up in a messy bun, left dangles of bright swatches to roam free around his troubled dark eyes.
He looked younger than Raphael in some ways, and others a thousand times older, likely as haunted as Star by the past.
In the beginning, their creation had been two distinct types of seraphim: healers and guardians. As time passed, they merged, becoming both more often than not. A decision of Uriel and Raphael together, or borne from their inability to further add to their creation?
Star hesitated to ask. His creation had become a nightmare in a dozen ways. The hidden city of the evolved, filled with artisans, was the only thing he claimed good about his people. Although staring at Lucian and Radu, he thought perhaps he might be wrong about that.
Raphael took Uriel’s hand and squeezed it. The storm clouds lifted from Uriel’s expression as he glanced at Raphael. A smile touched his lips. He dragged Raphael into a hug, and the two waved at the rowdy bunch, wandering off toward their home through the dark.
Yuri took a step toward Star. “I don’t dance,” Star said.
“Incarnations of you have danced in the past,” Radu corrected him.
Heat rose in Star’s cheeks. “Not like what they were just doing. And you and I never danced. You danced, and I watched you.”
“Would you like to try something slow?” Radu offered. “Lucian, despite his grumblings, has formal training.”
“I won’t step on your feet, but I’ve been told I’m less grace on the dance floor than I am on the battlefield,” Lucian said.
“We can try, too,” Theo said, grabbing Yuri. “Please, Star.”
Star sighed, but took Lucian’s offered hand. Lucian wrapped his arm around Star’s waist and took his right hand in his left, drawing them close.
“This is a modern type of sway. Easy,” Lucian offered, as Radu played and the tone guided them into a gentle movement. “I can guide you with my hands and feet to do simple things like a turn,” Lucian added, turning them and then returning to the sway.
Yuri and Theo copied them, though Theo dissolved into giggles twice as they stumbled during turns.
The second time, Yuri laughed too, and the duo clung together laughing instead of swaying.
Hearing their laughter brought a warmth to Star’s heart.
A smile lifted the corners of Lucian’s lips, his eyes crinkling with mirth, though he held back, maintaining their rhythm of swaying with a careful turn.
“Let’s try again,” Yuri said, holding up his left hand to reach for Theo’s right.
“Theo, put your left hand on Yuri’s shoulder and let him put his arm around your waist,” Radu instructed as he continued to play.
“He likes this sort of thing,” Star muttered, catching Radu’s joy at getting to have a bit of fun with music.
“Yes,” Lucian agreed. “He would have thrived in your artisan city.”
Star flinched. Another mistake. Cutting part of his people off from the rest. They had now remixed and that worried Star.
Would they war? Would the beauty and peace of Auroi be lost?
Lucian was king of all Dahna, which included Auroi.
Radu should have been as well, only he’d not known about their existence.
Star had fought to keep Gabriel’s corruption out of the city, and that meant alienating part of his people, too.
“I have changed nothing in Auroi other than to sit with the counsel and ask them to accept refugees,” Lucian said.
“I prefer their type of leadership. That they rotate through the entire population every few years seems to mean they understand their society better and take pride in it rather than milking all the resources from it to enrich themselves.”
Star was shocked that Lucian hadn’t stepped in and taken over. But it wasn’t the sort of man he was. “Thank you.”
“It’s a bit of a utopia,” Lucian said. “Not without its flaws as a social and civil society.”
“Nothing is perfect,” Star agreed. He, least of all.
“Perhaps you would give us all a tour,” Lucian said, as they continued to sway. “Show us your inspiration and creation?”
“It’s thousands of years beyond anything I created. I can’t lay claim to most of what they’ve done.”
“And yet you’re still recognized as General Astarion, a man of legend. I haven’t shared the stories I’ve heard from everyone with the others,” Lucian said.
Star’s face heated. “I needed to protect Yuri.”
“And creating a god-like persona for yourself was key?” Lucian teased.
“Never,” Star said as he yanked himself out of Lucian’s embrace. “I took scions and swords among them many times. Trained them to protect and care for their people. Not me. Never me.”
The music stopped, and everyone stared at him. Star hugged himself. Anxiety filled him with fear. Would they hate him? Why did becoming mortal feel like he was floating one minute and falling through the dark the next?
“I was alone in the dark,” Star said, “but could travel beyond in spirit.” His gaze fell on Yuri and tears blurred his vision. “Any time I found you and tried to make your life easier, things went wrong…”
“That was part of our curse. But that’s all in the past,” Yuri said.
“I want him to give us a tour of Auroi,” Lucian said.
“That sounds amazing,” Yuri said.
Star winced.
“It’s very different,” Theo said. “Pretty, lots of green and city together, but people everywhere, too. Parks and buildings, libraries, and art. Not like most of Dahna that I’ve seen.”
Yuri stared at Star. “Why does us experiencing it, upset you?”
“Won’t you hate me when you find I lived in splendor and beauty?” Star asked. His gut churned, and he felt like he might throw up, another new experience of this mortal shell he had never hoped to endure.
“How did you live in splendor when you were little more than a shadow chained to a door binding away the dark worlds?” Yuri asked.
“Through my scions and swords.”
Theo shared a confused look with Yuri. “Then your scions and swords lived well, and you saw through their eyes?”
“I could use them, seraph. Just as I could use you.”
“And did you?” Theo wondered. “Did you strip them of their will and walk in their skin as though it were your own?”
“Only when they allowed it,” Star said. Yuri would have hated him for forcing himself on others. “I gave them the comforts I could for serving me. I gave them power, and they agreed to allow me control from time to time.”
“Okay,” Yuri said. “Do you have any scions or swords still alive in Auroi?”
“No, though there are some descendants of a few.”
“Would that make them your kids?” Theo asked.
“Oh,” Yuri said, eyes wide. “You have kids?”
“Our entire race is his descendent,” Lucian said. “How many got to sleep with the creator who wore the skin of a god-blessed general?”
“I never used that term.”
“God-blessed general?” Radu asked.
“The people speak of him with reverence. They tell stories of his heroics, saving them from everything from massive waves to nightmare monsters coming through the Fracture,” Lucian added. “They are quite sad that he’s retired. I wonder if they would hold a parade in your honor if we visited?”
“That sounds like fun,” Yuri said. He put a careful hand on Star’s shoulder. “It sounds like you gave a lot of amazing things to your creation. Even if it wasn’t all from the magic of creation.”
Star wouldn’t look at Lucian or Radu, his heart breaking again for failing them. His people, even if they’d taken themselves in a different direction. The place of their birth forged their path.
“Can we visit it?” Yuri asked.
Radu tucked away his violin. “I would love to see it. It sounds like a place I would have adored in my younger years.”
“I’m sorry,” Star said.
“For what?”
“Not telling you of it.”
Radu studied him for a few seconds. “If you had, and my brother or Gabriel had gotten inside, what would have happened to it? Would any of it remain?”
“Probably not,” Lucian answered for Star. “They would have raided the city and tore it to shreds. Those artisans who live in creative splendor would have been the first fodder for the hungry nobles.”
“Then keeping it secret made sense,” Radu agreed. “How about we go tomorrow? We can spend a few days exploring the city.”
“I would love the opportunity to explore General Astarion’s estate,” Lucian added, his gaze intense.
Star swallowed, wanting to curse the pushy bastard.
He wasn’t ready to reveal all his failings yet, his obsessions, and his fears.
But fine, if they wanted it all stripped bare, and he got sent away, better now than when he let all his guards down.
“Fine. Tomorrow then.” He headed inside, heart pounding, and trying not to race for his empty room.
Yuri caught his hand, forcing him to stop, though tears of frustration burned his gaze. He would never pull away from Yuri.
“Curl up with me?” Yuri asked.
“Okay,” Star swallowed, worried he’d be dragged back to the main room and not get a wink of sleep worrying about the men talking around him about him, but Yuri tugged him off to the cozy space Yuri claimed for himself.
He left everyone else with honeyed words and goodnights.
Star couldn’t keep his heart from hammering in his throat.
It wasn’t until Yuri wrapped himself around Star in the smaller bed, blankets covering them with the weight of a giant warm hug, that he felt his anxiety ease, and sleep took him.