Chapter 4 #2
“I thought I was the clumsy one. Apparently you can’t even handle me being anywhere near you,” I accused him, trying to channel the anger instead of acknowledging that it … hurt. Was I that bad that even an odious person like Jeff who had to work with me couldn’t stand being near me?
My warring emotions must have been obvious, as the frustration melted off his face, replaced by a neutral expression. “I don’t like people in my personal space.”
My eyes shifted downward to the right as I tried to play it off as inconsequential. Shrugging, I said, “Sure.”
“It’s true, Roxanne.” He started to take a small step sideways but then apparently thought better of it. “It’s not you.”
I inhaled and exhaled slowly before meeting his eyes. “I don’t like people in my personal space either. But I try not to be rude about it.”
We locked eyes for a long moment before he swallowed and nodded.
“Fair enough,” he said at last.
My eyes went wide as I’m sure my mouth hung open. “Is that … it’s like almost an apology, right? The closest I’ll ever get, I’m sure.”
I shifted my gaze to his right hand, which was smoothing the long sleeve over his left forearm. That must be some kind of fidgeting habit. Maybe this was how he dealt with frustration or people he didn’t like. I sighed and looked him in the eye again.
“Let’s just get this done so we can go home,” I said. “Or back to the resort office, or wherever it is you spend your time.”
He nodded curtly and turned to leave, so I followed him out into the next office.
But he abruptly turned around before taking two steps into the room, and I bumped into his chest, but more softly this time. Just enough to feel a zap …
What was that?
I couldn’t even describe it if I tried, but it was not an entirely unpleasant feeling. It was … electric. My breath was coming a bit quickly, and I had no idea why.
“Sorry,” he said, looking down at me before abruptly sidestepping to cross the room .
“You’ve got to stop doing that, Jeff,” I called out, slumping onto a brown plastic chair someone had left in this office.
He merely turned and gave me an odd expression while pulling out his phone. His fingers started flying across the keys for a few seconds before halting abruptly. His head swiveled toward me. “I’ll email you the notes later, and you can add your own observations.”
“Oh. Uh-huh,” I said, like an idiot. “Thanks,” I added, and I meant it.
That was unexpectedly nice. My brows scrunched together as I tried to wrap my brain around all the weird interactions in the past hour. He was rude and insufferable, but occasionally … not. Or maybe I was just tired and not thinking straight. That was more likely. In fact, he—
My thoughts were cut short by my phone vibrating with a text from Hazel, informing me of the weather keeping them stuck in MSP. I sighed, turning off the phone screen. Better late than never, I guess.
∞∞∞
SawyerRox4: Hey Danny.
CastGamer55: Hey Minnie.
SawyerRox4: Mindy. You know, like Mindy Kaling?
CastGamer55: Oh, right. I’m deeply sorry for getting your fake name wrong.
SawyerRox4: lol, well, when you put it that way …
SawyerRox4: How was your day?
CastGamer55: I survived it. You?
SawyerRox4: About the same.
CastGamer55: More of the same with the rude coworker?
SawyerRox4: Yeah, but I want to get my mind off it.
CastGamer55: Same, actually.
SawyerRox4: So, I just finished reading that short book on game design you recommended last week. I learned a lot, though it was really basic stuff.
CastGamer55: Yeah, it’s just an introduction. I can send you a list of further reading if you’d like. For both of us – it’s not like I’m an expert yet either.
SawyerRox4: “Yet” … love your confidence.
CastGamer55: *shrug*
SawyerRox4: Something the book touched on was this issue of the game’s theme vs. mechanics and experience. Is that something you’ve thought about?
CastGamer55: Yes.
SawyerRox4: Oh, am I way behind then?
CastGamer55: No. I thought about this before I suggested we partner up. I actually haven’t had a ton of time since then, with work and other things occupying my time.
SawyerRox4: Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ve been busy too
CastGamer55: We should definitely be on the same page even this early though, while we’re still brainstorming. I apologize for being a bit behind on doing my part. I saw that you’d already added a bunch of ideas to our shared doc, thanks.
SawyerRox4: Oh, I thought I was the one behind. Dealing with this annoying person from work has been consuming so much of my energy, ugh
CastGamer55: Again, same. Hard to get your mind off it, eh? I guess I’m not so great at putting work aside either, especially with troublesome colleagues.
SawyerRox4: Especially if you have to work with them every day …
CastGamer55: Indeed, especially then. Is it a long-term situation?
SawyerRox4: Kind of medium term. Not permanent, I hope! If it were, I’d have to find a new job
CastGamer55: I understand. Long term, it wouldn’t be good for you.
SawyerRox4: Exactly. You get it !
CastGamer55: Have you tried confronting them?
SawyerRox4: Yes and no … I avoid conflict. And definitely confrontations. Yet, I find myself more combative with him than I usually am with people. It’s weird – he brings out the absolute worst in me, I guess.
CastGamer55: I see.
What did that mean? Was I oversharing? I waited a few minutes for another text. Nope.
Great, he’s probably realizing he made a mistake by befriending you .
Or by partnering up on this game project. Maybe he wouldn’t even consider me a friend in the first place.
I took a deep breath inward and then slowly let it out. I needed to stop this toxic thinking. I knew that—I was a trained therapist, after all—but knowing it wasn’t the same as doing it.
SawyerRox4: Danny, are you still there?
CastGamer55: Yes, just pondering your dilemma. I wish I could suggest a solution to your problem, but I’m in a similar situation that’s hard to navigate.
SawyerRox4: Well, when you figure out what to do, can you let me know too?
SawyerRox4: I mean, if you want to … if not, that’s cool
CastGamer55: You’ll be the first to know.
An unexpected surge of warmth shot through me, starting in the chest and spreading outward. He … he would share that with me first? Before anyone else in his life?
I forced myself to breathe in and out. Maybe he didn’t mean that literally. It was just something people often said, right?
You’re makingthings weird again. Change the subject. Think fast.
SawyerRox4: Do you have animals ?
When he didn’t respond right away, I reread my text and face-palmed.
SawyerRox4: Sorry, I mean pets. Not, like, farm animals or zoo animals or something.
SawyerRox4: I mean, not that I favor animals in captivity. I definitely don’t! Wild animals are pretty neat.
SawyerRox4: I just meant pets like cats, dogs, birds, fish. Though if you have farm animals or wild animals or something, that’s awesome too.
I watched the three dots appear a few times, indicating that he was having difficulty formulating his reply. Was it that hard of a question? I mean, sure I asked it in kind of a confusing way, but surely it wasn’t that bad?
I rubbed my tired eyes and scanned over my messages. It was that bad. Worse.
I blinked rapidly, feeling unlike myself. Sure, it was totally normal for me to bungle a typical conversation in person, but I usually did fine via texting or the like. I wasn’t even too bad with phones. Why was I struggling to sound normal in the context I was usually most comfortable?
SawyerRox4: I’m sorry. So sorry. I sometimes ramble and become awkward. You should know that if we’re going to work together …
SawyerRox4: I mean, you probably already know that, but just in case …
SawyerRox4: You still there?
CastGamer55: Yes. I was just waiting for you to finish, as you seem to often hit Send before you’re finished typing your thought.
SawyerRox4: Guilty as charged.
CastGamer55: It’s fine. And I have no pets or animals in my home .
SawyerRox4: Me neither.
CastGamer55: I like cats and dogs though.
SawyerRox4: Same! Have you thought about getting a pet?
CastGamer55: I have, but I work so much that I fear the pets would be bored or destroy my couch.
SawyerRox4: Cats are better for people who aren’t home as much.
CastGamer55: Why don’t you have a pet then?
SawyerRox4: Ah it’s a little more complicated than that.
CastGamer55: OK.
SawyerRox4: It’s just … I can’t even keep plants alive. Maybe I’m just not cut out for keeping other living beings alive.
CastGamer55: That’s probably nonsense.
SawyerRox4: lol, is that so?
CastGamer55: You sell yourself short, most likely. But what do I know? Just some random guy on the internet.
SawyerRox4: I mean, that’s true. I was kind of hoping you’d have pets actually for that reason :D
CastGamer55: ??
SawyerRox4: People with pets are less likely to be crazy, weird internet stalkers.
CastGamer55: Anecdotal or scientific conclusion?
SawyerRox4: Um … neither? Just a hunch. Pets humanize people, you know?
CastGamer55: I have no idea if that’s true. But in any case, I do like cats and dogs. Does that make you feel better?
SawyerRox4: lol, yes actually. Some day maybe?
CastGamer55: Sure.
I sat back, oddly pleased by this. Instead of seeming turned off by my weirdness in this meandering conversation, he was playing along!
SawyerRox4: So, uh, we should probably talk about the game. Sorry I got sidetracked.
CastGamer55: I think you mean we got sidetracked. I was in the conversation too.
SawyerRox4: Nonetheless, sorry for distracting us from the game project.
CastGamer55: No need to apologize. I like chatting with you.
My heart thumped hard in my chest. Why did this make me so happy?
It wasn’t that unusual for me to find it easier to talk to people online than in person.
But there was something about his words that made me feel warm inside.
Because I needed a friend, right? That must be why.
I only had one friend, after all, and I hadn’t heard from Julia much lately.
Against my will, my mind wandered to the woman in real life who obviously didn’t see me as a friend.
I mean, sure, Hazel was my boss. But she struck me as the kind of person who was friends with everyone, regardless of work relationship or status.
Everyone except me. I furrowed my brow, only just now realizing how much this was still bothering me.
Was I just not friend material?
And worse yet: Why did I need to care?
CastGamer55: Are you still there?
SawyerRox4: Sorry, sorry! I just got distracted. Again. Thanks, I like talking to you too.
CastGamer55: Well, that’s a relief, because we have a great deal of work ahead of us designing this game.
SawyerRox4: You make it sound so fun.
CastGamer55: Well, work can be fun.
SawyerRox4: It can? just kidding, I know. Maybe my real job just isn’t that fun. Especially lately …
CastGamer55: I hear you. I normally enjoy my work, though others find it boring. But it’s been harder to enjoy lately.
SawyerRox4: Because of the guy at work that you’re stuck with?
CastGamer55: She’s not a guy, but yes, that colleague. She’s difficult and frustrating. But also unsettling in this way I don’t fully understand.
I felt a slight pang in my chest but shook it off.
Who cared if he was working closely with a woman?
He and I weren’t … I wouldn’t even say it.
Ridiculous. We barely knew each other, and we were barely even friends yet.
Danny could have a girlfriend, a wife, or even a husband.
He could live thousands of miles away. He could be 17 years old, or 90.
I knew so little. I had long feared the 55 in his handle might be his age.
He did kind of talk like a middle-aged man—not that there was anything wrong with that.
I sort of liked it, actually. I mean, as a quality of a friend .
A friend who likes cats and dogs, like you.
A friend who has excellent taste in TV.
A friend who likes chatting with you.
SawyerRox4: So regarding the reason we’re here … what are your favorite board games? I’m curious what you might be thinking about as inspo
CastGamer55: How many favorites do you want?
SawyerRox4: Um, as many as you have?
CastGamer55: This will take a while then.
A laugh bubbled up from my chest.
A friend who loves board games even more than you do.
Hmm.