Chapter 23
As soon as I put the phone down, I realized I’d forgotten to ask Danny if he was having a white Christmas, wherever he was visiting his family. I still couldn’t believe he lived in southern Minnesota too.What were the odds?
When I walked to the kitchen, I found my mother cooking already and came to a stop near her. “Morning, Mom.”
“Morning,” she said, quickly looking at me and then back at the gas stove, which was a recent upgrade. Hardly anything in my childhood home was the same anymore.
“Can I help with anything?”
“No.”
“You don’t have to make that much food, really, since it’s just the three of us.”
That got her attention. “Roxanne, ‘just the three of us’ is your family. And it’s still Christmas.”
She turned back to the stove, stirred for a moment, and then put on her cutting gloves and retrieved the cutting board from a lower cabinet .
I tried to think of something to say. “I wish we had a white Christmas.”
She didn’t answer.
“Mom? Just wondering, do you think this dress would be OK for a work party I’m attending next week?”
She finished cutting the onions and then turned to me, eyeing me up and down. “Is it a fancy party?”
“Kind of? Not the most formal ever, but definitely not casual.”
My mother eyed me and then turned back to the stove. “Well, if you want my honest opinion, that dress doesn’t do you any favors.”
“Why?” I asked, afraid to hear the answer.
Her eyes assessed me again. “I don’t think the designer had a pear shape in mind when they created that dress.”
I looked down at the dress and felt the snugness at the hips. I thought it was supposed to fit this way. Emotion welled up in my chest, and I wanted to kick myself. I asked for her opinion. Why?
“OK, Mom.”
“How’s your love life these days? Are you bringing home a man one of these days?”
I looked at her blankly. “No, what gave you that idea?”
“I mean, you’re heading toward thirty, and you’ve barely had any boyfriends. Only two or three, right?”
Actually, it was only one. I’d dated a bit, but I’d only called one a boyfriend. But I just nodded to her.
She added the onions to a pan on the stove and started stirring. “Well, are you trying, at least?”
“What do you mean by trying ?” I asked quietly.
“I can’t hear you! You always talk so darn soft.”
I repeated myself, my voice starting to shake.
“I mean, putting yourself out there. Being social. Letting guys know you’re interested. Have mutual friends set you up.” She spoke so casually, as though it was as easy as tying my shoes.
“I thought about trying a dating app once, but— ”
“Oh, don’t bother with those things. You’re better off meeting a man in person.”
“How am I better off doing that? That’s really hard for me, Mom.”
Dad walked into the room then and made eye contact with me briefly before going to the fridge.
Mom eyed me for a moment, her disappointment evident on her face.
“It’s time you outgrew this shy thing, Roxy.
I can’t understand why it’s so hard. Sometimes you just got to try.
That’s not so hard.” She turned to my dad.
“Right?” But he just shrugged, as usual, preferring to not get involved. To not defend me. Story of my life.
I tried to breathe in slowly, but my breath caught in my throat. There was no use trying to explain anything to her. She’d never accepted me, and she never would. She wouldn’t even try.
“Do you even want to find someone?” she asked, sounding exasperated as she stirred faster and faster.
“Well, I don’t not want to. But—”
“You’ve got to make up your mind and just do it. Simple. Quit overthinking everything.”
“OK.” Tears pooled in my eyes, and I walked backward slowly and then turned, walking as casually as I could so they wouldn’t suspect I was upset.
Dad glanced at me briefly but then went back to peeling an apple.
I tripped and nearly fell down the steps leading to my old bedroom, but I managed to stay upright by palming the wall.
I rushed into the room and closed the door softly so they wouldn’t hear.
After sobbing quietly for a few minutes, I wiped my eyes and opened up my laptop again.
I felt numb as I turned it on, even as I opened the chat window.
Danny wasn’t online.
I started browsing random sites, starting with a quirky gift website to look for a birthday gift for Hazel. I eventually found myself on a news site when my eyes landed on the scrolling red banner near the top: Winter Storm Warning for central Tennessee and Kentucky.
What?
I blinked a few times and refreshed the page, certain it couldn’t be right. But it was. The storm was expected to roll in tomorrow and potentially last a few days.It had originally been expected to head further east, but now it was heading straight for middle Tennessee.
I’d lived here long enough as a child to know that snow was taken very seriously. Schools closed whenever there was even a slight dusting of the white stuff. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if a blizzard blew through here, especially in the mountains.
But something stirred in me. Maybe this wasn’t so bad, I thought while navigating to a travel website.
I could go home early. I could leave this place where I was constantly criticized and my feelings dismissed.
Before long, I’d found a new flight to replace the old one, which was two days from now.
I was about to click the PURCHASE button when the door suddenly opened.
Mom walked in and sat on the bed, trying to see what was on the computer screen, but I pushed it aside.
Guilt set in. Mom was coming in here to see how I was doing because she cared, and meanwhile, I was trying to get the earliest flight out of here.
And then she spoke. “What are you doing hiding in here?”
My spirits deflated once more. “I wasn’t hiding—”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, I know you better than that.”
“Do you, though?” I asked bitterly. But she didn’t hear me because she was moving my suitcase off the treadmill. “Oh, are you … you’re here to work out?”
She gave me a strange look. “Obviously.”
My old room had been turned into an exercise room. At least it had a futon that I could sleep in when visiting. But now, I felt like an intruder in my own room.
I pulled my laptop back over to me and saw the pop-up message stating that I had only fifty more seconds to decide before the airfare deal expired.
I glanced at my mother, who was grimacing as she moved some of my clothes out of the way.
I clicked PURCHASE.
∞∞∞
I let guilt eat me up for much of the quiet plane ride.
Despite the obvious drawbacks (literally, the danger) of staying here with my family and hence flying out in a storm a few days later—or worse yet, stuck here because flights were cancelled—the news that I was leaving early hadn’t gone over well.
My spirits sank after seeing the sadness on my dad’s face and the agitation in my mom’s tone when I’d held firm and asked for a ride to the airport.
But now, walking into the baggage claim area after the uneventful flight, I felt a strange sense of calm and anticipation.
I’d made it through a difficult, albeit short holiday visit with my family, and I was coming home to the place I loved and the people I loved.
Maybe someday, they’d even love me back.
I actually had a few friends in Shipsvold now. Maybe even something more …
No, there wasn’t anything more. It didn’t bear thinking about. Did it?
Undeniably, things felt different between Jeff and me lately. His sharp edges had softened, and he was a lot more complex and interesting and even kind than I would’ve guessed. And he gazed at me almost as if …
As if he wanted more.
I had to be hallucinating. Or wishful thinking, because I couldn’t deny he was attractive. And interesting. My heart beat faster when he was near, and not just from irritation anymore. I didn’t hate working with him now, and I even felt a little dismayed that our close collaboration was at an end.
But then there was Danny. It definitely felt like something could develop once we met. Why else would he want to meet up? And why else would I have said yes ?
Surely I couldn’t have feelings for both men, could I? I was not that kind of woman.
It didn’t matter anyway because both Jeff and Danny probably saw me only as a friend. That awkward friend they occasionally found funny or smart.
After pondering the situation throughout the entire flight, I’d then rambled on about it to Julia over the phone for the past half hour, ever since we were allowed to turn our phones back on after landing.
“Rox, I know this is hard for you because it’s, like, your life , but I am loving this diversion. I want to live vicariously through you!”
I laughed. “Diversion?”
“It’s just nice to get my mind off everything.”
“Uh-oh. Is it the neighbor again?”
“He is a pain in the butt, Rox. I can’t even—no, I’m not going to waste this phone call talking about him. So not worth it.”
“Aww, that’s not fair. I just blabbered on about my stuff for ages—”
I stopped short, drawing in a quick breath.
There he was, on the other side of the baggage carousel. Looking tired and annoyed but still just as effortlessly handsome as always, Jeff was scanning the area, his eyes slowing when they reached the crowd I was standing in. I averted my eyes quickly, but the damage was probably done.
“I think he spotted me!”
“Who?” Julia asked.
“Him!”
“Which him?”
“Jeff,” I mumbled, hoping he couldn’t read lips. “Oh crap, he’s walking straight toward me. Julia, I’ve got to go. So sorry—”
“Go on and talk to him. And text me later, or else!”
I ended the call and stuffed my phone in my purse.
“Hello,” he said, stopping in front of me with uncertainty on his face.
“Hi,” I said, shifting from one foot to the other and back again. “What are you doing here?”
His lips curved upward into a small smile, which was not a little distracting. “Flying home, just as I imagine you’re doing.”
“Of course, yeah.” I licked my lips, a bad habit when I was nervous.