7. Step Outside Of That Comfort Zone
STEP OUTSIDE OF THAT COMFORT ZONE
TARA
After Tuesday’s bombshell, I spent the rest of the week fielding client calls and doing even more work than usual while Aiden tried to wrap his head around how to do the job that he is nowhere near qualified for.
“It’s so insulting, Lis. I can’t even begin to explain how difficult this week has been,” I say, ranting to Annelisa on video chat while I get my dinner ready on Friday night.
“Well, maybe it’s finally time to look for another job,” my sister replies. “You’ve been there for years. Chris has left, so it’s not like you’re obligated to stay there or anything.”
“Yeah, I guess. I just… I know the clients there, and even if I went somewhere else, there’s no guarantee that things will be any better there.” I sigh, stirring the wooden spoon through the chicken and stir-fry mix in the pan on the stove.
“You were never great with change, T. Might be time to step outside of that comfort zone.”
“Not all of us have the luxury of running away from their normal lives,” I snap back, instantly regretting my words.
Annelisa is quiet for a few moments. “Are you okay? I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself the last few times we’ve talked,” she finally says.
I don’t know how to answer that without opening up the little box that I’ve shoved into the back of my mind, marked do not touch .
The one I’ve filled with all the hurt and anger I’ve been feeling for years, ever since Annelisa left, but refuse to address.
Avoidance has long been my preferred way of coping.
Something that I learned from my sister.
Given that Annelisa is a large source of my hurt and anger, I just don’t have the energy to unpack it all after the week I’ve had.
“I’m fine,” I reply.
“Well, what are you going to do about the situation?”
“I don’t know. Let’s talk about something else. How are things with you?” I pour the sauce into my mix and keep stirring. There’s a pause, and I glance over at the screen to see her watching me with a concerned look on her face. “Seriously, Lis, enough about me.”
“Fine. Things with me are okay. Nothing exciting happening here. I’m on a deadline at the moment so I’ve been in the writing cave all week.”
My sister is a very successful romance author, and as her number one fan, I’m eagerly awaiting her next book just as much as the rest of her fan base.
“Well, that’s exciting. When’s this one coming out?”
“In eight months.” She doesn’t sound happy about it.
“Why does that sound like you think that’s a bad thing?” I turn the stove off and serve myself a portion before moving the pan off the stove while my sister sighs.
“I’ve been struggling with ideas. First time I’ve had writers block in a while.”
She’s had two books out since she left Will, and I’ve noticed a distinct change in her voice.
I bite my tongue, not wanting to point out the obvious.
That maybe the reason she’s struggling to think about romantic interludes is because she set her own love life on fire.
It’s been more than three years and she still hasn’t told me what happened, only that she needed to get away from everything.
Will has been equally tightlipped, according to Kylie.
It’s been a source of frustration for all of us, but we can’t force the pair of them to open up about it.
We just get to sit back and deal with the fallout.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll work through it. Maybe you need to get out and about more over there. Have you met anyone yet?” I take a mouthful of my dinner and chew quietly while I wait for Annelisa to reply.
“I’ve been out with my flatmates a few times. Meeting someone hasn’t really been on my radar though.”
Because you left your heart back here .
Out loud, I say, “Maybe you just need to go on a holiday or something. You’re so close to everything over there, and yet you’ve barely left London.”
“To tire of London is to tire of life,” Annelisa poorly quotes Samuel Johnson at me.
I roll my eyes. “I’d believe that if you’d actually seen more of London than your local grocery store and the Indian restaurant down the road.”
“Yeah, yeah.” She waves me off. “Have you been to see Mum lately?”
“I’m having lunch with her tomorrow. Have you been in contact with her?” I ask, leveling her with a pointed look.
“I spoke to her on the weekend, so you can skip the lecture I know you were about to give me.”
“Good. You have a lot of people who miss you, Lis. Maybe it wouldn’t kill you to reach out to a few of them.”
She’s quiet again for a while, biting her lip. “How was the wedding?” she finally asks.
I detect a slight wobble in her voice.
“It was beautiful, of course. It was perfect for them. They had the ceremony at New Farm Park, right near the rose garden.” I leave off the obvious ‘you should have been there’ that hangs in the air.
Not every conversation between us needs to be laying on the guilt over the events of three years ago.
“And Will was one of Jake’s groomsmen?”
I hesitate for a moment. She never asks about Will. She has actively avoided saying his name.
Having her ask now throws me off balance.
“Of course. And Chris.”
“Of course… Was he okay?” The question sounds like it causes her physical pain to ask.
“Lis… I don’t really feel comfortable talking to you about Will. It’s a bit of a sore point for me.”
That’s the closest I’ve ever come to letting her know how her leaving has affected my relationship with Will.
“Sure. Sorry. Anyway, I should probably go. Need to write at least five thousand words today to stay on track.”
I allow her to run away, exhausted by the whole situation yet again.
Once we end the call, I turn on the TV for the sole purpose of filling the quiet apartment with sound other than the noise from my own thoughts.
My thoughts aren’t a great place to be these days.
I’ve been off-kilter for months, with my anger towards Annelisa growing steadily stronger.
Although I’m not sure why it’s all affecting me more now than it used to.
It’s not like anything has changed recently.
Because nothing ever really changes in my life.
“How are you, darling?” Mum greets me with a hug and kiss when I join her at the table she had reserved for us at her favourite cafe in South Bank.
The view of the river is the perfect backdrop for a boozy lunch, as she called it when she invited me to meet her. Mind you, her idea of a boozy lunch is pretty tame compared to others, and I know both of us will be well under the limit to drive home afterwards.
Stella Richards is as much of a lightweight as her two daughters.
We chat while we scan the menu, before giving our orders to the server and settling down with the glass of wine we both ordered.
“So. I do have an ulterior motive for getting you here today.”
I raise an eyebrow at my mother’s confession. We don’t often catch up, as she is off travelling most of the time, taking full advantage of early retirement and an empty nest, but I hadn’t detected anything suspicious when she’d extended the invitation to lunch.
“Okay… Hit me with it.” I put my glass down.
“Your father.” My face immediately contorts into a scowl, but Mum continues. “He reached out.”
“How nice for him. Did you tell him to fuck off?”
“No, I did not, in fact, tell him to fuck off,” Mum replies, giving me a pointed look. “He wants to talk to you and Annelisa.”
“Good for him. He can want to talk to us both all he likes. I can’t speak for Lis but… Actually, no, I can speak for Lis, because I know she is even less likely to speak to him than I am. I’m not interested in anything he has to say.”
Ever since he walked out on our family twelve years ago, Annelisa and I have refused all contact with our father. Getting your assistant, who is half your age, pregnant while married with two teenage daughters at home is a sign of a pretty shitty human, as far as we’re concerned.
“Tara.” Mum reaches across the table and takes my hand. “He’s sick.”
That makes me pause, and I study her closely. “Sick how?”
“He has late stage kidney disease. It seems he has been sick for quite some time, but it’s gotten worse.” Sadness flickers across my mother’s features, and I can feel a tightness in my chest.
“Is he dying?” I ask, glad that I’m sitting down.
Mum hesitates for a moment. “It doesn’t look promising,” she finally replies.
I stare out the window, watching a City-Cat ferry go past while I process this information. “I don’t know what to say…”
Mum squeezes my hand, bringing my focus back to her. “I think you should talk to him. I know you and your sister were both hurt, but he’s still your father.”
I nod, feeling numb. “I’ll think about it. Please don’t say anything to him yet. I need to get my head around this.”
Mum nods slowly. “Of course. But try not to leave it too long. You never know when things can change.”
In other words, your father is going to be dead soon, Tara. Don’t let him die without saying goodbye.
Our food finally arrives, but it may as well be ash in my mouth now. “Have you told Lis yet?”
“Not yet. I thought you would be the better one to tell first.”
I’m not sure how my sister is going to take this news, so I nod. Was probably the right call. Annelisa holds grudges even worse than me, and I’m not sure dying will be enough of a reason for her to speak to him after all this time.
Lunch concludes on a much more sombre note than how it started. I go home to my empty apartment, wishing I had someone that I could talk this all over with. Someone who could offer me a different perspective and a hug.
Not for the first time, I envy my two best friends for the partners they’ve found. If this was Bri or Kylie, they would have an amazing guy who would support them through it. But as always, I have no one, not even a pet.
And that reminder makes it all hurt even more.