9. Fine With My Books
FINE WITH MY BOOKS
TARA
Two weeks after the wedding, I realise that, other than going to work and that one meal with my mother, I have barely left the house. I still haven’t contacted Dad, stewing in years of resentment and finding it difficult to muster up the energy to do anything more than read a book.
“This isn’t healthy, Tara. I’m worried about you.” Kylie’s voice carries through the kitchen while I bang around, searching for my favourite bowl to serve myself the noodles I made for dinner.
She and Seth arrived in Cairns four days ago, having gone on a bit of an outback adventure first. They’re having a holiday before they have to head back to Calgary for the start of the hockey season.
She’s been blowing up my phone with photos of gorgeous beaches on deserted islands.
When you’ve got a millionaire NHL player for a boyfriend, apparently it’s normal to get private helicopter rides around the various islands on the Great Barrier Reef.
Not that I’m jealous at all.
“I’m fine. I’ve just been busy with work,” I reply .
“Well… Maybe it’s time for a new job? Especially now that you have to work with a guy who you almost slept with.” I’d cracked and told her about my humiliating moment with Aiden, figuring I needed to tell at least one person.
“Almost slept with is a bit of a stretch. Apparently, I just stripped all my clothes off in front of him.” I shudder at the memory of that embarrassing conversation.
“Besides, I’ve worked too hard to give up now.
” I finally find the bowl, piling it high with noodles, meat, and vegetables before moving to the couch.
At this point, I’m surprised there isn’t a dent from where my butt has been sitting every night.
“In that case, you still need to find other things to do outside of working your butt off. I’m serious, T. I can tell you’ve withdrawn from the world. Don’t make me come back and kick your butt out of the house.” Kylie tends to get a little bossy when she’s worried.
It’s good to know she cares, but we both handle life in very different ways.
While she is confident and direct, I’ve always been more reserved.
A door mat, if you will. The only people I’ve ever stood my ground with are my close friends and family, and even then, it’s selective.
I’d surprised myself when I nearly blew up at Aiden that first day.
But since then, I’ve just quietly simmered while handling even more of the workload while he bumbles his way through.
The attraction I’d felt for him that first day is still burning away in the back of my mind, making me even angrier, which isn’t helping the situation.
“There’s nothing else I want to do. I’m fine here with my books.”
“Tara, you are a breath away from turning into a recluse. Maybe you need to get a pet or something.” I can almost hear the wheels in her brain turning. “Yeah, actually, now that I think about it, I think that’s exactly what you need. Get a dog. It’ll force you to get out of the house. ”
She might be onto something there. I fell in love with Bri’s little dog, Maddie, but I think a cat would be better suited to my lifestyle.
“You’re right. Maybe I’ll go check out the rescue places in the next few weeks.”
“Really?” Kylie’s tone of voice goes up a notch. “I thought that would be a much harder sell. Are you just saying that to get me off the phone?”
I laugh. “No. It’s actually a good idea. I’ve been considering getting a pet for a while.”
“Oh yay! Well, send me photos when you start looking. I need a furry pet fix.”
We end the conversation soon after, as Kylie needs to get ready for dinner out somewhere, and I’m once again sitting alone in the quiet apartment.
Maybe there’s something to Kylie’s insistence that I get out more.
When we lived together, my social calendar was always full.
But as I’ve gotten older and the people in my life have paired up and disappeared into coupledom, it’s become a lot harder to find people to do things with.
So I stopped trying, instead retreating into a book to escape the loneliness.
Perhaps it’s time to find something else to do with my personal life and stop living like a hermit.
I turn on the TV to have some noise around me, scrolling through social media on my phone while I finish my dinner.
Almost as though the device can read my thoughts, an ad pops up, advertising a new latin dance school that’s opening up nearby in a few weeks.
I’d done a couple of classes a few years ago with Kylie and had had a tonne of fun.
But then we went on our holiday and we just never went back after we returned to Brisbane.
When she moved to Canada, I was even less inclined to go on my own, and I’d forgotten all about it.
But maybe this could be the thing I do to get myself out and about more.
I guess it couldn’t hurt to try it .
My finger hovers over the sign up button, but my nerves get the better of me and I close the app, picking up my book instead.
The next morning, I jump online and start researching which pet rescues are the most reputable.
Settling on my decision to get a cat, I start searching for kittens, and soon discover that there are so many that need good homes.
While I’m still deciding, I spend a couple of happy hours ordering all the cat paraphernalia a kitten could ever need, figuring I can’t back out once I’ve spent all this money.
Now that I’ve set my mind to it, I can hardly wait to bring my new little fur child home. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long, but I’m happy with my decision, and it feels good to have something to look forward to again.
While I’m on a mission of dragging myself out of the pit of apathy I’ve fallen into, I pull up the page for dance classes again, impulsively signing up and paying for a term of Thursday night salsa classes starting in two weeks.
As an afterthought, and before I can think about it too hard, I reactivate my dating profile on the god forsaken app that Kylie made me download a year ago.
I’d swiftly deleted it when a fifty-year-old man with the name TooHotTooHandle tried to match with me, followed by about three more, getting steadily older.
It was traumatising but I think I can deal with sifting through the crappy ones now in order to try to escape the loneliness.
And the only guy I’ve come close to getting naked with in recent years is my incredibly hot, annoying boss.
So it’s not like I can just wait for someone to come along organically.
And I need something to help me stop thinking about Aiden and how fucking good he looked without a shirt on, so dating apps it is.
And if it doesn’t work, at least I’ll have started collecting the cats I need to claim crazy cat lady status.
Hello new life, I embrace you with open arms .
Now I just have to work out how to go about stepping back into the shoes of my teenage self and find it inside me to contact my father and reopen that box I’d long shoved into the back of my mind when I cut him out of my life.
Wish that was easy to work out.