Chapter 50
Wren
Peanut and Butter run to my door, barking like mad. They sound happy. Not like mini pissed-off guard dogs trying to protect me from some intruder. More like they’re greeting their favorite person in the world.
“Stop that, guys,” I tell them, expecting some mail to drop through my letter opening. Expecting a knock, maybe.
There’s nothing.
The dogs keep barking, getting more and more excited by the second.
What’s going on?
I go over there and peek through the peephole, almost falling on my ass. I have to bite back a gasp. I put a hand over my mouth, which has now fallen open.
Oh crap! Oh crap!
I look again, and it’s him, in the flesh, in all his glory.
It’s Grim. And he’s standing outside my door looking scared to death. He scrubs a hand over his face and then squeezes the back of his neck. Then he rolls his shoulders, looking up and almost at me.
He’s just as attractive as ever, and my breath catches. His eyes are dark and troubled. He has a scowl on his face. He’s wearing a simple gray T-shirt that hugs his frame in all the right ways.
He also looks like he might have lost weight. His eyes are a little bloodshot.
He squeezes them shut for a moment, taking a step toward the door, lifting his fist to knock, but stops.
He’s nervous.
He looks terrified. More afraid than I’ve ever seen him, and that’s saying something, since we’ve faced death together.
I feel something in me soften.
No!
What the hell? No way. Forget it!
I’m going to open this door and tell him to go away, then I’m going to slam it in his face. I must say, I never thought he’d come, but I had a solid plan for if he ever did. Do. Not. Let. Him. In! The end.
He knocks. It’s louder than expected, and I almost jump out of my skin.
The dogs bark louder, looking up at me as if to say, “Why aren’t you opening the door?”
Crap! Crap!
Why? Whhhyyyyy?
I suck in a deep breath and open the door, holding onto the jamb so that I don’t topple over.
I don’t say anything. I just look at him, and he looks at me, and the air thickens because I can’t breathe. My lungs won’t work.
My dogs run around his legs, going nuts, jumping all over him, yapping like fools.
The traitors!
He gives me the barest hint of a smile, and my heart does this lurchy stuttery thing I don’t like at all.
Grim goes down on his haunches. “Hi, Butter. Hi, Peanut.” He scratches them behind the ears.
“It’s the other way around,” I tell him, my voice slightly too high-pitched.
He looks up at me, and I feel so much and all at once. I feel a flood of love and relief that he’s here. I also feel anger and hurt and betrayal. All my emotions are warring with each other, fighting for dominance.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I tell him.
Grim gives the dogs one more scratch and stands. He looks…broken. The look in his eyes almost undoes me.
I want to fix him and hurt him. I want to kiss him and slap him. All in equal measure. I’m so confused.
“Please, will you let me come inside?” he asks, his voice a deep rasp. “Will you hear me out…please?”
I shake my head. “That’s not a good idea, Grim.”
“I don’t want to leave things the way they are. I need a chance to tell you a few things. Please, Wren. I know I don’t deserve it. I know I was wrong…but please.”
I hesitate. I keep telling myself to call the dogs in and to close the door, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want to hear him out, either. I’m frozen and panicking a little.
“It’s River,” he says, licking his lips.
I frown. “Sorry…um…what? What do you mean?”
“My name. The one my parents gave me…it’s River.”
I shiver. I feel it run through my whole body. “Oh…um…” I nod, not trusting myself to say more.
“I told you more about myself than I’ve ever told anyone.
It may not have been a whole hell of a lot, but it was…
the important parts. I was lost and damaged for a while there.
But I didn’t feel that way when I was with you.
I felt whole. I felt seen. I just felt…” He pauses.
“And all because of you, Wren. My given name is River. You said you didn’t know it, well, now you do. ”
“It suits you,” I manage to say. I can barely get the words out, I’m so filled with emotion.
“Please give me five minutes, and then you can kick me out.” He looks at me with such expectation, such hope.
I make a noise of irritation, my eyes pricking with tears.
“Fine, come in. I doubt it will change much,” I warn him, shaking my head. I can’t take him back. I can’t, and I won’t. It doesn’t matter what he says. I need to stay strong.
“Thank you,” he tells me.
I step back, and Peanut and Butter go nuts when they realize we have a guest. We go through to the living room and take a seat.
We sit on different sofas. Butter jumps up onto Grim’s lap.
“No, Butter…you…”
He holds up a hand. “It’s fine.” Peanut jumps up as well. Good thing he’s so big.
“Are you sure?”
He nods.
“Kick them off if they’re being—”
“It’s fine. I really don’t mind.” He clears his throat.
“I already apologized, so I’m not going to do that again.
I’m going to tell you why I lied. It wasn’t for the bullshit reasons I gave you.
I didn’t realize that until the other day.
” He pulls in a breath. “Drake came to my house…more like broke into my house. Anyway, he pretty much kicked my ass about what happened. Because I’m a colossal idiot, he had to point everything out to me, and I’ve been doing some thinking since then.
I realized that he was right about everything.
I fucking hate that he was right.” He says the last part more to himself than to me.
“Drake went to see you as well?” I ask. Looks like someone has an agenda.
“He came here?” Grim asks. Then he rolls his eyes and groans. “Of course he did. The meddling prick.” I hear genuine affection in his voice. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. He came to encourage me to take the money. To tell me that you wanted to give me your portion. Thanks, but no.” I shake my head. “And to tell me how wonderful you are. How kind and giving.”
Grim makes a noise of disgust. “I’m sure he exaggerated a whole lot.”
“He didn’t.” I sniff and shift in my seat to try to get more comfortable. “He said you had a big heart, and he’s right, you do. You’re kind and generous.”
“I am not!” he grumbles.
I start to laugh, but stop myself. “Don’t argue.
You are, but it doesn’t mean I can look past what happened.
Tim hurt me so badly. I promised myself that I would never be with someone who lied to me.
Not ever again. I ignored the white lies Tim told, and look where it got me.
I gave him years of my life. I found myself in my late twenties with nothing to show for it except a pile of debt.
Here’s the thing: you would hurt me so much more than he ever could. ”
Because I already feel more for you. So much more.
I chew on my lip for a second before continuing, “If I let you in and you hurt me, I would be…I’d be broken.
I can’t trust you with my heart. Oh, shit!
” I look down at my lap. What did I just say?
“You probably came here to tell me you wanted to be friends. To try to mend that bridge, and here I am telling you that you can’t have my heart. ”
Why had I gone straight there? Why?
“Forget I said all of that,” I mutter.
“I won’t forget because I do want your heart. That’s exactly why I’m here. I’m here to bare my soul and to get on my fucking knees if I have to and to beg you to give me a chance to prove I am a male who deserves someone like you…a male who deserves to have something as precious as your heart.”
“Oh…okay, well, good. No, nooooo, not good.” I shake my head. “No, no, no. That’s not good at all, Grim. I just told you that you can’t have it, and I meant it.”
“I wasn’t in love with Jordyn. I cared for her.
I liked her. We forced a mind-bond, and it nearly killed me when she betrayed me and left.
The things I was feeling for you superseded that tenfold…
easily, and it scared the living shit out of me.
I didn’t want to feel pain like that again.
I didn’t want to give someone power over me like that again.
” The words come out in a rush. “That’s why I lied.
I didn’t want to trust you. I couldn’t, because trusting you would have meant admitting my feelings for you…
not just to you but to myself. If I admitted those feelings, I would have had to acknowledge them.
I couldn’t do that, so I lied instead. I shouldn’t have, Wren. Falkor was right; I’m a fool.”
“Falkor?” I lift my brows.
“He might have given me a nudge as well. They’re both meddlers, but they’re right.” He sighs.
My heart is thumping so hard I’m sure it might break a rib.
“I sabotaged what we had going. I chose to bury my head and to lie to myself, to both of us, and it didn’t work.
I’m in love with you, Wren. So fucking deeply in love.
I tried to protect myself, but it all backfired.
I was stupid. I’m a fucking idiot. I had a chance with you, and I blew it because I was scared.
More terrified than I’ve ever been in all my life.
I ended up losing you, and I am broken. A shell. I’m nothing without you.”
“Is it because of the broken mind-bond?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s a part of it…a small part. It’s about our broken everything-bond.”
“Everything-bond?” I repeat like an idiot. “What is that exactly?”
“It’s just that I’m not just mind-bonded to you, Wren. Every part of me is bonded to you. My heart, my fucking soul…my dick.”
I choke out a laugh, and a tear slips out. I wipe it away.
“Sorry, I know it’s crass. But it’s how I feel.”
“No, I…it’s… I like how forward you are. It’s one of the things I really like about you.”
“It is how I am, Wren.” He pushes the dogs off his lap.
“Sorry,” he tells them. Then he gets on his knees in front of me and takes my hands.
“I’m not a liar. I swear to you, I’m not.
I am a coward when it comes to you… I was a coward.
I was afraid. Actually, I still am afraid.
I love you, and that means you can hurt me badly… you could rip me apart.”
“I’m not going to hurt you, Grim. I was afraid too.
I was almost relieved when things fell apart between us.
Drake pointed that out to me in a roundabout way.
I let you push me away because it was easier than facing the truth.
I guess in a way I lied too. I did the same thing. I took the easy road.”
“Do you want to be brave with me? I promise to adore you and love you. I don’t have to give you my heart because you already have it. It’s yours.”
“How did you get so romantic?” I giggle, and a few more tears slip out. Tears of happiness.
“Only since I met you.”
My heart does that stuttery lurchy thing again. “I love you too.” It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say. “And yes, I want to be brave with you. I want us.”
“Thank fuck.” He closes his eyes for a second. “Can I kiss you now?” he asks.
“Please,” I say.
He leans forward, and his mouth finds mine. The kiss is gentle at first, like he’s afraid I might change my mind. But then I thread my fingers through his hair, and something shifts. The kiss deepens, becomes more urgent.
He cups my face. I moan. When we finally pull apart, we’re both breathing hard. His forehead rests against mine.
“I want to give you something else now,” he says, his voice rough.
“What?” I ask, a little out of breath.
“My dick.”
I laugh. “That sounds perfect.”
He picks me up, and I wrap my legs around him.
“Which way to your bedroom?” he asks.
“Oh, we’re going to the bedroom now?” I ask. “Not the sofa or on the coffee table?”
“Nope,” he tells me as he walks into my bedroom, finding it without my help. “I’m going to fuck you. Then I’m going to hold you. I’m warning you now that there will be kissy-kissy shit.”
I laugh.
“Then we’re sleeping…together. I’m going to hold you so fucking close.”
“Sleep? It’s the middle of the day, Grim.”
“You’ll be worn out. We’ll sleep. I’ll hold you. When we wake up, I’m making love to you.” He puts me on the bed.
“Slow and tender?” I giggle. “You?” I lift my brows, going up on my elbows.
“Yes, it’ll be sweet, passionate love.” He pulls his shirt off, and my mouth goes dry. “I might stick my finger up your ass while I’m doing it.”
I laugh, but quickly turn serious when he pulls down his pants.
“I can’t wait,” I tell him, and I’m not just talking about the sex.