Dancing with Sin

Chapter 1 The Great Something

I would argue that every person on Earth has a moment they can pinpoint in their lives as The Great Something.

The Great Something refers to some pivotal event in a person’s life that changed the course of their existence from that point on. The Something itself doesn’t have to be great. It often isn’t. The Something could be heartbreaking, devastating, astonishing, exciting; the list could go on and on.

All that matters is that the Something is life-altering.

The Great Something has to be so memorable that you instinctively know from the second it happens, that who you are from that event on will be irrevocably redesigned, whether it be for better or worse.

Standing exactly as I was in our bedroom, I knew that this was about to be my Great Something.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

My stomach clenched. Nervous pin pricks exploded across every inch of my body, feeling like my limbs were quite literally vibrating with electricity.

“What do you mean?”

Jonah sat on the edge of our bed, hands folded into one another, and let out a shaky breath. “I think we need a break from each other.”

My heart dropped to the floor, lying in wait and fear of being stomped on until it was black and blue with scars all over.

“What, like Ross and Rachel?” Humor—a universal defense mechanism that I was well acquainted with and hoped dearly that he would respond to.

He didn’t laugh, though. He didn’t even smile.

“I’m going to stay with a friend tonight, and then I’m going to California tomorrow for a week.”

“What?” Shock twisted my stomach into uncomfortable angles. “When did that happen?”

I watched him, my feet growing numb the longer I stood in the same spot, as he went over to our closet and pulled out a suitcase.

“I booked it a few weeks ago.” Weeks ? “There are some dance classes and workshops I’ve wanted to take there for a while.

” Jonah tossed the pillow that was homed on his side of the bed and had been since we moved in together on top of his suitcase.

“Are you going by yourself?”

Jonah paused for just the slightest of moments, and everything inside of me collapsed within that silent beat.

“No, I’m going with Colin.” Relief swept in swift and hard, surprising me by how worried I’d actually been that he might be going on this trip with other intentions and companions in mind.

Jonah wasn’t perfect by a longshot, and over the last year or so of our relationship, he’d developed some less than pleasant qualities to be around.

He might’ve been arrogant, and a bit self-absorbed at times, but he would never be unfaithful.

That was a promise he had made to me five years ago and a promise I would always trust him to keep, no matter how rocky things got between us.

“Okay,” I breathed. Thoughts barreled through my brain at a mile a minute, each one jumping over the next to try and make sense of what was happening.

“That’s-that’s good, actually. Yeah. This will be good for us.

Every couple needs some space every now and then to miss each other and to remember how much they love each other so this… this will be really good.”

Jonah looked anywhere but at me, his bright eyes telling of thoughts his lips were too weak to speak.

“What?”

His silence combined with his hardened expression brewed up an uneasy terror inside of me, one that churned my stomach in vicious knots.

“I don’t think you get it…”

“No, I do .” I pushed my determination harder past the terror inducing words he’d just said, feeling bolts of adrenaline pulse through my veins.

“We’ve been in a rough patch on and off for a while now, and a break will be perfect for us so that when you come home, we can start to get back on track. ”

He shook his head slowly. “I think I need more than just a week.”

“How long?”

He kept his lips sealed, uncertainty showing in his stare which still refused to meet mine. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can put a time limit on it.”

Okay , so that was a blow—a painful blow—but one I could work through for him. “That’s okay. We can talk about that later. We don’t have to decide anything now.”

The need to reach out and touch him was extraordinary, so I didn’t fight it.

Touching him always calmed me down, even on our worst days.

It was how we’d fallen in love to begin with, after all.

My heart was beating so erratically inside of my chest that the constant vibration was almost painful, but I hoped he could hear it.

I hoped he could hear how loudly and how profoundly my heart beat for him and only him.

Sliding my hands up the fabric of his shirt, over the rise of his defined pecs, I was reassured to find that his heart was just as out of control as mine.

“All that matters right now is how much I love you and how much I will always love you, okay? We’ll get through this because it’s us , and we can get through anything together.”

His face just above mine was now holding back tears that shined through the thicks of his lashes, which I’d always been jealous of for their length.

His tears provided me with enough hopeful strength to reach my hand up and cup the side of his face.

The eyes I loved so much pinched shut as I touched him, wetting his lashes before me, though not a single tear slipped through.

“I don’t know if I love you in the same way anymore.”

Shock traveled up from my heart, into my arm, and jumped my hand from his face. An immediate wash of humiliation drained my face ice cold.

“You tell me all the time that you love me.”

At that, Jonah cracked one of his smiles I’d seen many times before and learned to loathe whatever came next. He had this smile about him that was almost cruel, but not intentionally. He didn’t mean to hurt me with what he was about to say, but hurt me he would.

“You have no idea how long I’ve had to force myself to say those words to you just to make sure you were happy.”

“Excuse me?”

I’d never been punched in the stomach before, but I had to imagine this was exactly what it felt like.

“I’ve been feeling this way for a long time but… you had no idea, because I didn’t want you to know.”

I backed away from him like his body was fire and I was the gasoline. If we were to touch, there’d surely be a deadly explosion “So, you’re saying you’ve been lying about loving me?”

Jonah dropped his head into his hands and made all the gasps and noises that a person crying would make. Though, when he raised his face back up to look at me, there wasn’t a single teardrop to be found on his cheeks.

“Do you remember a few months ago when you said that you felt like I would bend over backwards for a stranger on the street, but wouldn’t even lift a finger for you?”

I did. I remembered that night well. We’d gone out for a date night like normal—like we’d used to—and it was going well. The movie we went to made us laugh. The dinner we ate was delicious. It was the conversation on the way home that tainted the night with bad memories.

Jonah had gone on one of his rants on the way home about the world and society and touted how everyone should think like he thinks.

To him, everyone else was small-minded, and only he had the ability to see the bigger picture.

He didn’t use to be like that, and I couldn’t even exactly pin-point when the change happened over the years, but whenever Jonah got like this, it was better to just nod along than question his ego.

On this night in particular, he’d made fun of my parents. They both worked hard at their jobs here in New York, and even though they weren’t passionate about their work, they still had a happy life. He told me he’d rather kill himself than end up with a simple life like my parents.

That comment dared me to speak my mind, and it was only downhill from there.

“I thought about what you said, Alice, and it’s true.

Whether that makes me an awful boyfriend or a fucking amazing human being, I don’t know.

But you’re right. I would go out of my way for anyone that asked…

except you. I don’t think about you and when I do, I know there’s more I could do to make you happy, but I just don’t . ”

The realization of what was happening, of what was really happening, began to sink in and with it, emerged the panic. It clawed up my throat, its nails puncturing through my flesh, leaving jagged holes for my desperation to pour through.

“Well, then-then tell me what I can do to make it better,” I began in quick, uneven breaths. “Tell me what you need me to do to start fixing this and I will.”

I’d given five years of my life to this relationship, and I couldn’t start over again.

Not now. Not from scratch with someone new who didn’t know me like Jonah did.

My entire future was planned with Jonah at the center of it.

I’d never pictured a future without him, and I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t.

The thought of dating nauseated me and made me cling to Jonah with all I had.

“I don’t want you to do anything, Alice.” He drug my name out like it was a stain on his tongue.

“We want different things in life, and we always have. You want this all-American mediocre life, and I want more . You may be happy with settling, but I’m not.”

“ Settling ?” I exclaimed. “You think being with me is settling?”

“No, I—” He cut himself off, lifting and clenching his fingers together as if all of his frustration was contained in that one fist, and directed his pointed eye contact at me. “Don’t twist my words like that.”

“I’m not meaning to!” Oh God. Oh no. The last thing I was trying to do was make him mad and consequently, that’s exactly what I had done. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to twist your words. I’m just trying to understand what I can do.”