Chapter 50 New Year’s Resolution #2
It still would have been scandalous once we found out we were connected by Monica, but asking to date a guy she went out with for a few months was a lot less taboo than going behind her back to be with the man she was proposed to spend the rest of her life with.
“There were tons of signs that it wasn’t working out, but I kept ignoring them and pushing on because that’s what I’ve always done. I work the equation until I solve it but—”
“Love can’t be solved,” I finished for her.
“Yeah…” Monica trailed off, but then surprised me by saying, “I didn’t love him though. I don’t even think I’ve ever been in love. How sad is that? 30 years old and never been in love.”
“It’s not sad. It just means you haven’t found your person yet.”
“Okay, so then explain something to me. I haven’t found my person yet, but you’ve got person after person falling at your feet? Jonah, Peter, Ethan, that dancer guy in high school. You’re five years younger than me and you’ve had four more people in love with you than I have.”
Woah. Monica was unfurling a whole new level of insecurities I never would have guessed she had.
She sure hid them well enough. My whole life, I had always been envious of her and the confidence she touted around so effortlessly.
I never stopped to think there was anything about me she could be jealous of.
Just another layer peeled back of the many reasons she held onto Ethan so tightly.
“First off, Peter was not in love with me. Not even close. Secondly, I think love happens to people who are open to it? You have to give love your attention so it can feel safe enough to grow. If you’re only ever giving it half of your time, it’s going to fade.”
“Oh fuck, now you’re sounding like Ethan. He talked about not being a priority in our relationship, but am I really expected to give up my ambition and job just so that someone will fucking love me?”
“No, not at all. Your ambition is a part of you, and so is your job. I just think that… maybe a bit of compromise could go a long way for you?”
Gah, this felt so weird, and I was teetering on such fragile ground. If Monica didn’t like the sound of my unsolicited advice or thought I was over-stepping, I was done for.
“Mon, I know your person is out there and you will find them. There’s no way you won’t. You’re gorgeous, successful, brilliant, funny. You just have to look up every once in a while to find them.”
Thank you Mary for that killer line.
Monica took a moment to laugh, but there wasn’t much energy behind it. “I see why you and Ethan clicked. You’re both sappy motherfuckers.”
I joined in her soft laughter, but had no other idea how to respond to that. If Monica was about to talk about me and Ethan as a couple, I was going to need to go back inside and grab an entire bottle of tequila.
“Why didn’t you tell him you were leaving?”
A weighted sigh dropped my head down low, my eyes finding the chipped edges of my boots.
I didn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want to talk about him.
Over the last month, I’d tried to think about him as little as possible and failed almost always.
The nights were the worst, where I didn’t have any control over my subconscious and it had, without fail, dreamt of Ethan every single night since I left.
Waking up to a pillow soaked with tears was becoming my new norm.
“I… I just thought that a clean break was best for everyone.”
“Well, it is unquestionably not sitting well with him. Guy’s miserable. He even quit the firm.”
My stare sliced up from my shoes. “He what?”
“Mhm, he quit the day after he came over. Julian said that he packed up his shit and left the same day.”
“Wow.”
I couldn’t find the breath to say anything more. Breathing was all of a sudden a lot harder than it was seconds ago.
“I might have an idea of where he went, but I don’t know anything for sure.”
“Where?”
“When he and I were talking that day, you were a pretty touchy topic, but you did come up.”
Oh no.
“He asked where you were, and I told him you ran away again. He asked me what I meant by ‘again’, and I told him it was a habit of yours. You run away when things get too hard. You ran away from New York after what Jonah did, and no one could blame you. But then instead of telling me you had feelings for my fiancé, you moved out and lied about why so you didn’t have to deal with Ethan or with having that conversation with me. ”
“Mon…”
“Then a month ago, your fuck up becomes front page news, and instead of dealing with the aftermath of it, you run away from it.”
“I thought that was the right thing to do?”
“No, the right thing to do would have been to deal with your shit before you left. You got a job offer that you absolutely should have taken, but you only took it so you wouldn’t be stuck in the same city with me and him, right?”
“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be stuck with you. I just didn’t want to keep hurting you or him.”
“No, baby sis. That’s what you tell yourself so that you can leave guilt free. You tell yourself you’re running to keep us safe when it’s actually all for you. So you can keep yourself safe.”
Air stale with smoke touched my tongue as I opened my mouth to retort, but nothing came out. Her words and what they meant were trapped in my head, and my thoughts stuck to them too. Was she right?
“I’m not angry at you because you love him or because he loves you. That fucking sucks for me to deal with, but it’s not what makes me angry. I’m angry because you lied. Because you went behind my back and tried to take the easy way out.”
Easy.
Okay, nothing about this felt easy. Not the heartache, not the pain, not the lies that turned into mountains of deceit pushing down on my shoulders these past several months.
Everything about what happened with Ethan before and after we were found out was the actual opposite of easy, and a swell of upset rose hot in my chest to fight her on this point.
Yet, that rising fire dwindled down the more I mulled over what she’d said. She wasn’t saying what I felt and went through was easy, but how my decision to lie and then leave was easier compared to the truth and confronting that truth…
And she was right.
“Now, you’re doing the same thing to Ethan. He said you visited him in the hospital and then blocked his number, and when he went to go find you, your landlord was the one who had to tell him you moved. You can’t keep doing that to people, Alice. You’ve gotta face your shit head on.”
My hand crept up my chest to feel and grab onto my heartbeat as it spurred on quicker and quicker.
“He needs it, and so do you.”
Oh my God. For the umpteenth time tonight, my head crashed down into my free hand to cover my eyes. A headache was quickly crawling up the sides of my neck and honestly, I deserved it. I deserved its pain and so much more for how dumb and selfish I had been without even realizing it.
“I gave him the address that was on the letter you gave me. It was one of the only pieces of it that was still intact.”
“You what?” I gasped, my eyes springing open.
“I don’t know if he’s going to use it or if he’ll send a letter or show up in person or what, but he has it.”
Without thinking, my heart swung my head in both directions down the hallway like Ethan was going to show up any second. I pictured his face turning the corner, and his once loving eyes turning cold as they landed on mine. My chest clenched with just the thought.
How had I done things so wrong?
Just outside, the boom of fireworks cast off in the distance. Pulling the phone away from my face, the time read midnight on the dot.
“Happy New Year, Mon.”
She still had an hour to go, but for me, it was officially a new year. New years were for new beginnings and new ‘you’s’ and for once, I agreed with the cliche resolution. The Alice I was wasn’t who I wanted to be anymore.
She needed a serious makeover.
“Happy fucking New Year, sis.”