Chapter 52 Run
A lmost a year later and it was still too soon to see him.
He was twenty feet away, but it felt like he was breathing right down my neck. Goosebumps prickled across the back of my neck, and a visible shiver shook my shoulders. He was too close and not close enough at the same time.
Ethan’s focus was on another woman as he gestured to a series of photographs in front of them. The older woman leaned closer and said something to him. A smile broke effortlessly across his face and my knees trembled.
I can’t do this.
I escaped back around to face my group, my nerves playing my lungs like an accordion. The wide eyes of my friends and sister showed with wariness as I looked to all of them in a quick sweep.
“Should we keep moving then?”
Gabe’s blanched expression dragged my focus to him. “Excuse me? You’re not gonna go talk to him?”
“Uh, no. He ignored my calls and texts. Pretty clear message that he doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“But you want to talk to him. I know you do.”
“Gabe,” I scolded under my breath, trying and failing to keep our conversation under hushed tones and away from my sister’s ears.
“No.” Gabe’s denial was soft spoken at first, but the fight in his eyes rose and his determination fanned out bright and strong. “ No , Alice.” He gave a furtive glance to Monica. “I’m sorry, but no.”
“I know you’re worried about her, but I’m worried about you . You haven’t been the same since you moved back. You zone out all the time when we’re hanging out, and you’re quieter than you’ve ever been.”
“Okay, but that has nothing to do with Ethan.”
Gabe’s face creased in open sympathy and automatically I just knew whatever he was about to say next would undermine my case.
“Babe, sometimes you fall asleep on the couch during movie night, and you say his name in your sleep.”
Oof. Low blow.
Monica’s eyes were on me, but I didn’t have the gull to look up at her. We’d made so much progress, and I wasn’t about to screw it up now by admitting in front of her that I was still head over heels in love with the man that tore us apart.
“At least go talk to him so you can get some closure. You need closure.”
I laughed without humor, dropping my eyes and ran my hand back through my hair.
“You don’t get it.”
“I don’t get what?”
“That there is no closure with him,” I snapped, my stare flying back up to his. “There is only all or nothing.”
Gabe’s shoulders sunk down along with his eyebrows as he saw me, as he really saw how impossible this all was for me.
We’d done this dance before, and the end result was always going to be the same.
There was no getting closure with Ethan because my heart would always be open to him.
There was no ‘being friends’ for us. No possibility of casual acquaintances.
We were lovers or a memory. There was nothing in between.
“Okay, fuck this.”
Monica’s abrupt curse pulled all of our attention to her, her eyes waiting for me. “Do you still love him?”
Her question slapped any coherent words straight from my brain and I froze. My lips parted to try for some type of response, but she cut me off with a quick warning and reminder. “And remember, you promised you’d never lie to me again.”
She was right. I did promise that, but how could I honestly answer this question and not be right back where I was a year ago? I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t lose her again.
“Monica…” Her eyes on mine, I shook my head, pleading with her to not make me say it. “I just started to get you back.”
“And I won’t go anywhere so long as you’re honest with me.”
A breath kicked out of me, my chest deflating into itself.
This couldn’t be happening again. The past and present were colliding, and their impact would brutalize all of the progress I’d made over the last year.
I couldn’t lie, because she would know, but I didn’t want to admit the truth and have her walk out of my life a second time.
“It doesn’t matter if I do,” I tried to fight. “All of that is over.”
“So that’s a yes?”
Shaking my head back and forth, my breathing escalated into pants that shook my heart off its hinges. “Monica, please don’t do this. It’s done. I chose you.”
“Yeah…” She drifted into thought, holding my ruin in her silence. There was an acuteness in her stare that preemptively began unraveling a near year’s work of personal progress.
And then she said this, “I think it’s about time I return the favor.”
At that, I stopped breathing completely. “What?”
Daring to peek back up at Monica, she was wearing the strangest smile that emerged at the same time Steven pressed a kiss against her temple.
“Go talk to him.”
“Are you serious?”
“Surprisingly, yeah. I am.” She turned her head to Steven, who was already waiting for her with adoration cinched up on his cheeks.
“Alice, I’m really fucking happy now and in a twisted way, that’s because of you.
And if I’m the only thing standing in the way of you getting your happiness, then what kind of shitty big sister does that make me? ”
“Oh my god, you’re serious,” I breathed, shock stealing all volume.
Monica nodded, leaning into Steven.
“Yup. You’ve come far and it shows. You deserve at least a conversation with him.
If it goes past that, it’ll be really fucking weird for a while, but we’ll get through it just like we got past this last year.
” Her umber eyes jumped behind me, and she jutted her chin out.
“You might wanna hurry. Looks like he’s on his way out. ”
As she said it, I snapped my head back to where Ethan was to see that she was right. His broad back dressed in a grey suit jacket had just disappeared around the corner. My body twitched in place, unsure of what to do or when or how or what the hell just happened.
Turning back to Monica, I found her smiling at me and for me, and my heart surged with life inside my chest, nearly knocking me over.
It was like my heart knew its lost half was in the building, and it wanted to find it now .
For the first time in nearly a year, my heart was pumping at full capacity, charging my body up to run.
This was the chance I’d been waiting for.
This was the exact moment I’d been working towards being handed to me with a blessing.
The opportunity to run forward instead of backwards for once in my goddamn life.
“I love you, Mon.”
My sister nodded with similar love shining through and ushered me on, and on I went.
I ran through the spot Ethan was in earlier, gulping down the scent of him that I missed so freaking much like it was fuel for my efforts.
Around the corner, I searched for Ethan, using my heart as a compass guiding me towards his.
He was close. I could feel it.
I’m not sure how I could feel it, but I was sure it was due to something outside of my control, just like everything with me and Ethan. He and I were built out of inevitables and inevitables were fate and fate was magic.
Ethan and I were made of magic, and that’s all the explanation I needed.
My heart yanked me down a hallway and around yet another corner, immediately stuttering in place.
There he was, strolling down the corridor with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
He was far and getting farther. Quick thinking bent me over at the waist as I worked my fingers fast around the backs of my heels, sliding them off of both feet.
Stare still trained on Ethan’s retreating back, my fingers hooked around the slings of my high heels and I was off.
My bare feet slapped against the carpet, closing in the space between me and him. My heart was racing as fast as my legs were the closer I got to him. This was it.
He was here and I was here, and for once in our existence, there was nothing standing in between us but air.
My excitement rolled through me, shooting out of my fingers like sparklers as I smiled a huge, wide smile and called out his name.
“Ethan!”
His long legs stopped in stride as he heard his name. Elation barreled through me as he began to turn over his shoulder. Though, as he started to spin around, that thrill turned to horror as the realization hit in my feet that I was going too fast and Ethan had stopped too close.
All I had time to do was gasp as Ethan faced front just in time for my body to crash into his. It all happened so fast. One second we were standing and the next we were flat on the ground with Ethan’s grunt of pain pushing into the air.
Embarrassment rushed my cheeks as I perked myself up on his chest. Ethan’s eyes were squeezed together, his teeth bared, and my guilt jumped up ten times as high.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” I asked, pressing my hand against his chest to meet his heartbeat.
Ethan’s eyes flew open at the same time his heartbeat flew off the handle. It was thrumming against my palm as our eyes fell together for the first time in a year.
Surprise rippled across his expression, and a small gasp slipped past my lips as hands that I hadn’t realized caught my waist tightened around me.
His top lip parted from his bottom, and my eyes dropped to his mouth without thought.
God, I missed his lips and every kiss and whisper of love I lost out on this last year.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again, trying to right my focus back on him. “I just got too excited.”
I scurried off of him, pushing my hands down the wrinkles the fall had given my dress and stood up.
Ethan sat up and I offered him my hand for help, but it was left cold as he ignored it and stood up on his own.
His rejection stung, but I tried not to let it show with Ethan’s focus still so tight on me.
The shock in his eyes hadn’t wavered even slightly, and his lack of words was quickly fogging my mind of the right thing to say.
“Hi.”
Stupid .
The dark brown eyebrows framing Ethan’s gaze dipped low, intensifying the enigmatic look in them as he looked back and forth between my eyes.
“You’re early.”
Glancing back towards where we’d come from at the guests of the gala passing by, I let an awkward chuckle roll free.
“Well, if I’m early, I think everyone else is, too.”
Ethan didn’t share in my humor and, in fact, didn’t even blink at it.
My old friend anxiety gnawed away at the lining of my stomach as I stood there, twisting my hands together. Every second that passed without him speaking, the more my heart cowered inside of me, wondering if this maybe wasn’t such a great idea.
I had so many questions to ask him like why he didn’t answer my calls and what he had been up to, but I didn’t feel like any of that was fair game to ask right now. I didn’t want to come off too aggressive or desperate or as literally anything negative right now. So, I continued to play it safe.
“Um, I saw your pictures,” I offered.
That seemed to at least register some life in him as he nodded slowly. “Sorry to—” He paused, clearing his throat. “To use them without your permission.”
“Oh, that’s more than okay.” I waved, brushing off his concern. “They’re really great, so I’m glad you got use out of them.”
Ethan muttered a thank you, a pink flash of his tongue swiping out and wetting his lips. “Your picture’s not for sale by the way.”
Now it was my turn to take on some of his shock as my eyebrows jumped up.
“Oh, well. That’s good to know that I won’t be ending up in some rando’s living room tonight.”
The side of Ethan’s mouth twitched up like he wanted to laugh, but had forgotten how. Just minutes ago, I watched him smile and laugh and charm the pants off of that old lady, but now his smile appeared to be broken.
“So you’re a photographer now?”
I was the only one pumping any life into this conversation, but I wouldn’t stop even if it flat-lined completely. I would revive it again and again until Ethan told me to stop and leave it for dead because that’s what he deserved.
Ethan lowered his eyes and the volume of his voice. “Sort of.”
“Well, it looks like you’re doing a pretty great job so far.”
My heart sunk even farther back when he didn’t even acknowledge that I’d spoken.
He just stood there, arms hanging at his sides with an expression that said nothing I could understand.
I knew he might have been hesitant to speak to me given he ignored my messages and calls, but I never expected this reaction.
At least without his eyes picking me apart, I could take a moment to note that he was still as striking as ever.
Handsomely dressed in a grey suit that fit his tall, broad frame well enough to dry my mouth out as I looked him over.
He’d also grown in that neatly trimmed facial hair he’d talked about, turning him from a beautiful man to a ruggedly handsome one.
His allure still pulled the breath right out of me and made butterflies come to life in every part of my body. Just being near Ethan made me feel like I was floating, and the reminder of being with him and how it made me feel like I was soaring above the clouds was not a far off memory.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You look really good.”
It was the truth, and I was in the habit of only telling the truth lately.
A smile held itself hostage on my lips as I waited for Ethan’s response.
Even a nod that he’d heard me at this point would do.
Instead, the ache of something deep stretched across his face.
His mouth open, he tried to speak, tried to form some words, and I was on the edge of my seat waiting for whatever it would be.
A strangled noise creaked from between his lips.
“I can’t do this.”
Ethan left me with only his devastating words and the wind behind his back as he brushed past me.
I spun with my heart in my throat, begging me to run after its other half as it disappeared behind a pair of double doors.
The doors closed behind Ethan’s escape, and I just stood there and watched him go.
Watching him vanish painted an unexpected picture of how many times Ethan had the image of me doing the exact same to him when all he wanted me to do was stay and fight.
Fight for him. Fight for us.
For once…
I was going to give Ethan exactly what he wanted.
Marching forward to the double doors, I slapped my hand around the metal handle and threw the door open, heading heart first into the biggest battle of my life.