Chapter 33
Johnny
She finds me in the library.
The golden hour bleeds through the tall windows, brushing against the rows of books like it belongs here more than I do. I lean against the windowsill, untouched glass of scotch in hand, watching the skyline crumble under its own secrets.
Axel texted me a heads up that this conversation was coming. I don’t know why. God knows I don’t deserve the warning.
I don’t turn when the door opens. I don’t have to. I know it’s her by the way the air shifts. She’s always been the only person who could walk into my space like she owned it.
“Johnny?” Her voice cuts sharp.
I finally look at her. She stands just inside the doorway, arms crossed, gaze lethal. She’s so beautiful it makes my chest ache.
“You’re getting married?”
The fury beneath her calm is unmistakable.
“You should’ve told me,” she adds, stepping in. She doesn’t sit. Not that I expected her to.
I nod, slow. “I know.”
“I had to hear it from them.”
I swirl the scotch, but don’t drink it. The habit is a crutch for my feelings.
“That wasn’t how I wanted you to find out.”
She huffs out a laugh, bitter and humorless. “Oh, but you were planning to tell me eventually, right? Maybe slip it in between your vows? Or during the reception toast?”
Her words cut. I set the glass down on the table beside me.
“I wasn’t planning to go through with it.”
“Oh?” she says cooly, tilting her head. “So, it’s a fake wedding. That’s so much better.”
“It’s not real,” I bite out. “It’s strategy. Leverage. A distraction.”
“And it never occurred to you that maybe I should know I’m part of the goddamn distraction? You didn’t think I should know about the part where your face is on some fiancée’s wedding announcement?”
I wince.
“Honey—”
“No,” she snaps, holding up a hand, cutting me off. “You don’t get to call me that. You don’t get to talk. It’s time for you to listen. This isn’t about strategy, or deals, or whatever move you think you’re making.”
Her voice trembles, just barely. “It’s about you and me. And the fact that the one person I trusted least… still managed to hurt me the most.”
Fuck.
“Do you really think I wouldn’t choose you?” I ask quietly. “That I wouldn’t burn it all down for you if things were different? If it meant keeping you?”
“You did choose,” she snaps. “You played the board. You calculated and you arranged all the pieces. You had every opportunity to tell me, but instead, you waited in silence while I played into your hand like a fool.”
She drifts toward the shelves, fingers brushing the spines like they might offer answers.
“Do you think of me?” she asks, still facing the shelves. “Even once, when you’re with her?”
“Every second,” I breathe. And it’s the truth. “But you weren’t here. I didn’t know you would come back into my life before this was done.”
She stills. Her body frozen in that in-between state she gets when she’s about to crack or explode.
I take a step closer.
“I never stopped thinking about you. Not for a minute. Even when I wanted to, you haunted me.”
She turns. Her expression fractures. “Then why does it feel like you gave me up without a fight?”
Because I did. Because I thought I had to.
“You think this is easy for me?” I ask. “Playing along with something I don’t want? Waking up beside someone who isn’t you? Pretending like I don’t want to crawl out of my skin every day?”
Her jaw tightens, stubbornness spreading across her face. “Then leave her.”
“I will.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
She shakes her head, pain twisting her features. “That’s not good enough.”
“You want the truth?”
“I want everything.”
I breathe deep. “The engagement’s real on paper. That’s it. There’s no love, no future. Because I gave all of that to you a long time ago, whether I meant to or not.”
She doesn’t move.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness,” I say. “But I’m asking you to remember what we were. What we still could be when the dust settles.”
She drops her arms to her sides. Her face unreadable.
“You were mine, once” I whisper. “And I was yours.”
“And now?” she asks, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
“Now, I’d walk away from all of it. Money, power, every advantage… if it meant I got to be yours again.”
She stares. “Then do it.”
“I will,” I say. “Just not yet.”
She recoils. “Why? Help me understand.”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair. “I need Joe gone.”
She laughs, sharp and cold. “Joe? This is about Joe?”
“Everything is about Joe,” I practically yell. “You’ll never be safe with him still out there. He’s involved in so much more than you realize. You’re not the only person he’s hurt. Still hurting.”
She flinches. “I know he was trafficking.”
“He still is,” I say gently. “The man funding him… I’m engaged to his daughter.”
I let her process that.
“I’m going to kill Joe. I’m going to destroy the whole operation. I’m going to make the world safe for you again.”
She gives me a hollow smile. “The only person I need protecting from is you.”
I’ve taken bullets that hurt less.
“I gave you my body while you were calling someone else your fiancée. I almost gave you my heart, again, while you were what? Tasting wedding cakes? Picking out place settings? God, I’m so stupid.”
She shakes her head, sadly.
“The wedding means nothing!”
“It means something to me!” she yells back. “Who is it?”
“What?”
“Your fiancée. Who is she? What’s her name?”
I mentally cringe, knowing this is about to get so much worse. “Rachel.”
“Rachel.” Her face flickers with uncertainty, then, her expression curdles. “Please tell me you’re not talking about that Rachel. The one who mocked my dead mother. The one who kicked me while I was down. Tell me it’s not her.”
I remain quiet. There’s nothing to say.
“Did you sleep with her?”
Silence.
She recoils like I struck her. “Right. I’m on birth control, in case you were wondering.”
I wasn’t. I pulled her medical files when she first arrived. I know she’s clean and has an IUD.
“For fuck’s sake, Johnny! What if you had knocked me up? I wish I’d known all of this before I let you touch me, but no worries. Guess I’ll let everyone else know we need to get tested.”
She turns to walk out, but I grab her arm pulling her to face me.
“First of all, I’d be the happiest man on Earth if you were swollen with my baby.”
Her mouth falls open.
“Second, what do you mean by everyone else?” I growl.
She glares. “Sean. Nik. Axel. I fucked all of them. Right after you.”
I snarl, crowding her until her back hits a bookcase. She tries to duck around me, but I grab her. Caging both her hands in one of mine, and wrapping my other hand around her neck. Her stare is defiant, but her body trembles.
“I’ve done what I had to. Not what I wanted to. And I never slept with Rachel without a condom. I never slept with anyone without using protection. Ever. Except for you.”
Tears slip down her cheeks. “That doesn’t make it better.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I agree. “But you don’t need to get tested. Your body is safe with me.”
“Nothing about you is safe,” she whispers. “Let me go.”
And this time, I do. Because if there’s any chance of getting her back, it won’t be with words. Not now. Not while she’s bleeding.
Especially when I’m the one who handed her the knife, and gave her the reason to use it.