Chapter 32
Kendall sat in a beach chair behind the apartment building, watching Cooper, Livie and Ruby play baseball. They’d taught Ruby to run after the balls Livie hit and bring them back to Cooper.
It was a picture-perfect spring day, the monster was dead and could never hurt her or Livie again, and there was a man in her life who obviously cared about her. She should feel happy. She didn’t feel anything. She was dead inside.
Why couldn’t she get past the numbness that had settled deep within her chest like a heavy stone?
She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the sounds of her daughter’s laughter coming from the makeshift baseball field.
She felt disconnected from it all, as if she were watching her life unfold from a distance.
You survived the nightmare, so just get over it.
A gentle touch on her shoulder made her jump, and she opened her eyes to see Cooper squatting next to her. “Are you okay?”
She forced a weak smile and nodded, not knowing how to explain this emptiness inside her.
She was blessed. She really was. The sun was warm on her face, a beautiful man was looking at her with soft eyes, and her daughter was happy as she played chase with Ruby, laughter trailing behind her.
Yet, she couldn’t find her happiness. What was wrong with her?
“Livie asked if we could have pizza for dinner. I thought it might be good for us to get out for a little while. Go have pizza and maybe ice cream after.”
“Sure. Sounds great.” Maybe if she pretended she was happy and having fun it would become real.
Turned out pretending to have fun for a few hours had taken her mind off all the dark thoughts crowding her head.
She’d enjoyed herself, which had been a welcome surprise.
Both Livie and Cooper had been entertaining with their jokes and teasing.
She’d laughed several times, and that had been a gift.
Now, though, she was in bed with her daughter out cold next to her. She huffed an annoyed breath as sleep evaded her. Part of the reason was the nightmares she was having. If she didn’t sleep, she wouldn’t go back to that cabin in the woods.
Eventually, she did sleep. And the nightmare did come. She shot straight up, gasping for breath. She wasn’t in the cabin. The monster wasn’t choking her. Moonlight filtered through the edges of the blinds, casting eerie shadows on the wall. She eased out of bed, careful not to wake Livie.
Ruby lifted her head from where she was sleeping, and Kendall patted the mattress. “Why don’t you come up here next to Livie?” The dog didn’t hesitate to jump up and stretch out next to Livie. Leaving her daughter in the care of Ruby, Kendall quietly left the room.
At the door to Cooper’s bedroom, she paused.
She should return to her own bed, but she didn’t want to.
He made her feel safe, and she desperately needed that.
Taking a deep breath, she opened the door.
As soon as she stepped inside, she stopped.
A lamp on the night table was on, and Cooper was leaning against the headboard, reading a book.
His eyes lifted from the pages to hers, and he smiled. “Can’t sleep?”
She shook her head.
“Come here.” He set the book on the table, then scooted over and lifted the covers.
How did he always seem to know what she needed?
She slid into the bed, and he pulled her close to him.
He only had on boxer briefs, and she had on her favorite bedtime T-shirt and panties.
The last time she’d been in his bed, they’d had sex, and she belatedly wondered if he thought that was why she was here again. It wasn’t.
“Turn on your side and back up to me,” he said. When she did, he wrapped his arm around her waist and spooned her. “Did you have a nightmare?”
“Yes.” Realizing he wasn’t expecting sex, she relaxed. “I keep dreaming about him choking me. It’s so real, like I’m living it all over again.”
“You need to talk to someone, Kens. Dr. Croft recommended someone here who she thinks you’ll like. Let’s call tomorrow and make you an appointment.”
“I don’t know. I really need to go home.”
The arm he had around her tensed. “Let’s talk about this tomorrow, okay? For now, I’ve got you, so try to sleep.”
“Okay.” And amazingly, she did sleep without any nightmares.
“Livie and I are going home.” It was time, but from Cooper’s scowl, he didn’t agree.
He set his coffee cup down. “I thought we’d talk about this before you decided.”
She shrugged as she pushed away her half-eaten plate of scrambled eggs.
“What’s there to talk about? The threat is gone, and our home is in Decatur.
As is my job.” She needed to get back to normal, back to her second graders.
Back in her own bed. Maybe if she returned to the life she knew, she’d start feeling something again.
After waking up from the best sleep she’d had since being kidnapped, she’d decided it was time to go home.
If she stayed any longer, she’d let Cooper become her crutch.
She felt safe with him, but she had to resist the lure of using him as a shield between her and the big, bad world.
She couldn’t let fear take over her life.
“What there is to talk about is us,” he said. “I thought we had something between us besides being just the parents of a beautiful little girl. Am I wrong, Kendall?”
“I don’t know.” Stupid tears burned her eyes. She squeezed them shut. “I just don’t know.”
He reached across the table and placed his hand over hers. “How can you not know? You either feel something for me or you don’t.”
Anger surged through her. Why couldn’t he understand?
“I don’t know because I don’t feel anything,” she yelled.
“Not a damn thing,” she said with a quieter voice.
Not true, her inner voice said. You just felt anger.
She pushed the thought aside, afraid if she acknowledged she might have felt something, she’d let him persuade her to stay.
If she was going to find herself again, she had to go.
Hurt flashed across his face before he let out a resigned sigh. “I’ll drive you back to Decatur under one condition—that you promise to make an appointment with Dr. Croft.”
“I will. I promise. Will you take us today?” She had to go before he could talk her into staying.
He pushed away from the table. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is.” There was a coldness in his voice that he’d never used on her before, and she wanted to tell him she was sorry she couldn’t be what he wanted, but she didn’t.
She had expected relief after making her decision to leave, but instead a profound emptiness settled in her chest. Was she making a mistake?
No, she wasn’t. He was a good man who deserved a woman who could love him, who could make him happy. That wasn’t her. She went to the living room where Livie was watching cartoons and sat on the sofa next to her.
“Guess what?” When Livie’s gaze didn’t leave the cartoon, Kendall picked up the remote and turned off the TV.
“I’m watching that, Mommy.”
“Well, we need to pack up our things. We’re going home today.”
“Is Daddy and Ruby going to live with us?”
“No, sweetie, Daddy lives here.” She glanced over to Cooper, who was standing a few feet away, his hands stuffed in his pockets. “He’s going to drive us home, though.”
Livie’s expression turned mulish. “I want to live with Daddy.”
Well, that hurt. “Daddy will come see you when he can, but you can’t stay here. Don’t you want to see Papaw? I know he misses you.”
Livie scooted away from her. “Papaw can come see me here.”
“We’re going home, Livie.” She should have realized that Livie wouldn’t want to leave her newfound father, but she hadn’t even given that a thought when making the decision to go home. That just proved how messed up she was, that she hadn’t considered her daughter’s feelings and what she wanted.
“No!” Livie jumped up and ran to Cooper. “I want to stay with you, Daddy.”
When Livie started crying and Cooper picked her up, Kendall realized she had underestimated Livie’s attachment to him. Guilt settled heavy in her heart as Livie clung to him and tears streamed down her face. It was too much. She escaped to the bedroom.
She needed to pack, but she didn’t have the energy. Sometime later, Cooper came in and caught her sitting on the bed, staring into space. She jumped up and grabbed Livie’s pajamas to put in the suitcase.
“Where’s Livie?” she said while keeping her eyes on the pajamas as she folded them.
If she looked at him, she… She didn’t know what she’d do.
Cry? Jump on him and wrap herself around him and beg him to give her time?
But that wouldn’t be fair to him. What if she was never ready to have him—or any man—in her life? No, she couldn’t do that to him.
“Livie cried herself to sleep. Ruby’s watching over her.”
“Okay.” She dropped down onto the bed. Her daughter had cried herself to sleep.
Kendall thought she might cry herself. She was the worst mother in the world.
He stepped close to her, too close. She could smell his spicy scent, feel the heat from his body.
Her hands fisted the pajamas to keep from reaching for him.
He kneeled in front of her. “Kendall, look at me.”
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“Why?”
There were a thousand reasons why…or maybe there was only one. That one was because she was hurting him, and she couldn’t bear to see the pain she was causing in his eyes. That means you’re feeling something, the stupid voice in her head said.
“Why can’t you look at me? Tell me. You owe me that much.”
She took a few seconds to school her face before lifting her eyes to his. “I’m looking at you. Happy?” Oh, God, why was she being so mean? He deserved better than that from her.
“No, I’m not happy. I’m guessing that right now you don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway. I’m in love with you.”
She recoiled at hearing those words. “You can’t love me. I have nothing inside me to give you.”
“That’s it, then? You’re just going to give him the win? Let him take away your chance to be happy?”
“I guess so.” She wanted to explain it to him, but she didn’t understand it herself. There was no reason for her to feel so lost, yet she did. “I’ll be ready to go in a few minutes, as soon as I finish packing.”
“You’re not going home.” Cooper took her hands in his. “Did you hear me, Kendall? You’re not going home.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Yes, I am.”
“Tell me something. How long have you been sitting here?”
“What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Just answer my question.”
“I don’t know. Five, maybe ten minutes.”
“Try two hours.”
“No, it’s only been a few minutes.” He was wrong; he had to be.
“Two hours, Kendall, while our daughter cried herself to sleep. She cried loud enough for you to hear her, but you didn’t, did you?”
Heat burned her neck and her cheeks. She was a terrible mother. Embarrassed and heartsick, she pulled her hands away from Cooper’s and pressed them over her face.
“Here’s the thing. I can’t let Livie go home with you, not when you’re not capable of taking care of her right now.
What if she hurts herself and you’re zoned out like you just were?
You’re a wonderful mother. I don’t doubt that, but you’re not yourself, and until you are again, she can’t be alone with you. ”
“I’m sorry.” He was right, and she wouldn’t risk her daughter’s safety because of her pride. She dropped her hands and met his gaze. “She can stay here with you.”
“She’s going to, and so are you.”
“No, I—”
“It’s not up for debate. You’re suffering from PTSD, a severe case, I’m guessing.
I called Dr. Croft before I came in here, and she agrees.
Because you are, I’m making some decisions that are in your best interest. I made you an appointment for tomorrow with the psychologist here that Dr. Croft recommended.
I also talked to your father, and he said if you come home, he’ll put you in his car and bring you right back here. ”
“Who do you think you are?” She didn’t have to stand for this. Yet… And yet, there was relief that he was taking charge because deep down, she knew she needed help. It was just hard to acknowledge it and admit it.
“I’m a man who loves a beautiful woman, a man who will do anything to help her through this. You don’t have to do it alone, Kendall. Let me be here for you, let me take care of both you and Livie until you get past this. Because you will. I promise.”
Tears slid down her cheeks as she nodded. For the first time since the monster came for her, she felt a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, she could find her way back from the darkness that was consuming her.