Chapter 5 Mia
MIA
Chelsea isn’t as busy as it usually is on a Friday afternoon, but the stream of people passing the windows of the tea shop and coming in and out the door is still constant.
The weather turned around lunchtime, dark heavy clouds setting in and blotting out the sun, and now releasing a steady, soaking downpour over London.
Afternoons like this are my favourite, especially after a long and busy week. I spread a scone generously with raspberry jam, dolloping thick clotted cream on top, and bite into it with hearty appreciation - just as Jordan stops at my table.
“I thought it was you scoffing down that scone,” he says with a laugh. “Looks like a good one.”
My cheeks flush and I try not to choke as I laugh and swallow my mouthful. “Oh god, how embarrassing,” I say, hastily wiping my mouth.
“No, don’t be embarrassed, what a selling point, they’d just need to put you in the window with your eyes going all wonky and they’d make a mint.” Jordan laughs at my scowl, and gestures to the other chair at my table. “Mind if I join you?”
“Only if you don’t make fun of my scone-eating anymore. These are the best scones in London and I will not have them ruined for me, thank you.”
Jordan holds up his hands. “I promise. You just made me hungry.”
A waitress comes over and takes Jordan’s order of tea and two scones, and he turns back to me with a smile when she leaves.
“It was really nice seeing you at the game the other night.”
I shrug, taking a sip of my tea. “It was actually more fun than I thought it would be. And I’m glad you won.”
“You and me both,” he replies, running a hand through his blond hair. “The press was tearing me to shreds before the game, then afterwards it was all, ‘Oh we knew he could lead the team’, blah blah blah.”
“You sure showed them, didn't you?”
“Now I just have to keep it up.” Jordan’s expression softens as his eyes meet mine. “You doing alright?”
“I’m fine,” I say too sharply, and Jordan cocks an eyebrow. “Sorry. It’s just everyone keeps asking me that, and it’s not like I have much of a choice. I can’t fall apart because Archie’s decided to be a twat, can I?”
“I mean, you can. And no one would exactly blame you.”
I look out the window at the dark and rainy street. “I’m not… I’m not built that way, y’know? I haven’t even cried.” I roll my eyes as I look back at him. “The press already has plenty to say about that, too, don’t you worry. ‘Why isn’t Mia Graves more sad?’ Like I’m defective.”
“You know I don’t mean it like that.” Jordan shakes his head. “I’m just worried about you. Holding it all together and not letting yourself feel anything.”
“I’ve felt plenty for years, Jordan.” I give him a sad smile. “Fact is, I think I’ve known my marriage has been over for a long time, but neither of us was willing to admit it. Until now, I suppose. Archie’s made it more than clear he wants shot of me.”
Jordan frowns, leaning on his elbows on the table. “How do you mean?”
I look at my plate, suddenly embarrassed to be admitting this to someone else, especially one of Archie’s teammates. “I… I found lingerie that doesn’t belong to me in my closet.”
Jordan doesn’t say anything, and when I finally look back up at him, his face is like thunder.
“I’m happy to kill him,” Jordan says.
I can’t help but laugh. “My best friend was already thinking of places to bury him.”
“I’m up for that. What did she decide?”
“Burial at sea.”
Jordan nods, waiting for the waitress to place his food and tea down on the table. “Perfect. I have that huge car with a massive boot. Can finally put it to good use.”
“Well thank you, I’ll keep it in mind if he ever makes it back.”
Jordan goes about stirring milk and sugar into his tea and prepares his scone, before looking back up at me. “You’re taking it better than I would, that’s for sure.”
I snort out a laugh. “Have you ever met the Graves family? I’m honestly surprised it took Archie this long to be unfaithful.”
“I knew about Grandpa Graves being a womaniser, but Dominic?”
“I mean, I don’t think Dominic ever cheated on anyone, he’s too much of a straight arrow for that. But all the wives? All the girlfriends? He may not have cheated but he sure likes to get around.”
“Do you know who she is?”
I shake my head with a sigh. “No, I just know she likes red and has really big tits.”
Jordan almost chokes on his scone. “That narrows it down I guess.”
“We’ll figure it out any day.” I drain my cup of the last of my tea, and place it back on the saucer. “And how are you all doing? The lads, the team?”
Jordan chews thoughtfully and shrugs. “It’s, uh, been a bit of a time I guess. Ricky took it really hard, blamed himself for not noticing that something was up.”
“Why should he notice that?”
Jordan hesitates, shifting in his chair with pursed lips. “Archie had been grilling him for information on the FCs in Spain, life in Spain, things like that. Ricky didn’t think anything of it, just thought you and him were considering a move or something.”
“Ricky doesn’t need to blame himself for that, that’s not his fault.”
“That’s what I told him.” Jordan shakes his head sadly and throws his napkin on the table. “I hate that the club is more peaceful without him here.” He eyes me apologetically and reaches across to take my hand. “Sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that, just stokes the bloody flames, doesn’t it?”
“No, no, I was saying the same thing to Dominic last night.”
“It feels so wrong, but Archie was so… volatile. The living definition of walking on eggshells.”
I nod, gently pulling my hand out from underneath Jordan’s, keenly aware of our position at the window and not wanting anymore stupid rumours to go flying about.
“Archie is volatile. That’s the most consistent thing about him. His ability to make every situation feel like you’re about to walk into an exploding bomb”
Jordan frowns, looking down at his lap and fidgeting with his fingers. “I hate seeing you sad like this.”
“I’ll be alright.”
“No, I mean…” He looks back up at me with a sigh. “Why did you two get married? And I don’t mean this in any way, I’m not saying you should remember the good times and move past this, but… I just want to understand why. What it was that made you go, he’s the one for me?”
I stare back out the window, casting my mind back to those days, so long ago, when I didn’t even know who Archie Graves was, not really.
“I don’t think there was ever a time where I decided he was the one for me.
He decided I was the one for him, and that was enough.
” I shrug, focusing on the rain pooling on the street outside.
“I don’t mean that to sound self-pitying, like I didn’t make a choice.
I did. But now I don’t even really know what I was choosing, does that make sense? ”
Jordan laughs softly. “Not really, no.”
I look back at him with a chuckle. “No, it doesn’t, does it?
” I shrug and throw my hands in the air.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I was told to be star-struck by him, so I was.
Who he was, that never mattered to me. I just wanted him, and I wanted to be enough for him.
But that was never going to happen. Archie’s chasing something to make him happy, and I don’t think that something exists outside of his imagination. ”
“Until we’re happy within ourselves, we’ll never find the thing that truly makes us happy.”
I raise my eyebrows. “That was extremely philosophical, Priest.”
“Believe me, I know exactly what people look like when they spend a lifetime chasing happiness outside of themselves,” he says with a crooked smile. “Comes with the territory of being a Catholic.”
Jordan’s phone pings, and he reaches into his jeans pocket to retrieve it.
“Sorry, it’s probably just work, I should check-” He stops short, his frown deepening as he stares at the phone. “What the fuck?”
“Is something wrong?”
“What the fuck?”
“Jordan!” I lean forward, alarmed at the look on his face. “Jordan, what happened?”
“Your husband just sent me a text,” Jordan says slowly, lifting his eyes to mine. “Congratulating me on last night’s game.”
He lifts his phone to show me the screen, and I stare at the words on the screen, glowing underneath Archie’s name.
Good game, mate. Proud of you.
“What the living fuck is he playing at?”
Char sits at the kitchen counter, pouring hot water into a cup, her expression neutral and calm as I rage around the kitchen. Tank follows my every step, tongue lolling out of his mouth, not even reacting to my anger.
“He’s being a petty bitch as usual,” Char says, putting the kettle down and stirring sugar into my tea. “He’s got to remind everyone he exists.”
“I mean at least he’s alive, I guess? There’s still an outside chance of me fucking killing him when he dares show his face back here.” I boot a cushion across the room, and Tank chases after it with a delighted yip. “I swear to god, I am going to skin him alive.”
“Well, Jordan and I have the burial sorted, so you don’t need to worry about that.”
“And poor Jordan!” I explode, resuming my pacing across the kitchen.
“You should have seen his face! He was white as a ghost. Bloody typical Archie, he saw Jordan do well and he just had to swoop in and fucking make him insecure again.” I claw my fingers through my hair with a growl. “I hate him, I bloody hate him.”
“Come sit down and have your tea before you put holes in your floor.” Char perches on a stool and pats the one beside her.
But just as I sit down, my phone starts ringing. I snatch it up without looking properly at the screen, a decision I almost immediately regret.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Andrea bellows down the line at me. “How dare you not call me immediately, I have to find out from my bloody ex-husband?”
“And why in the fuck should I call you, you nasty old cow?”
Andrea makes a sort of strained gargling noise. “How dare you speak to me like that, I-”
“Has Archie called you? No. He hasn’t. So obviously, he don’t want to talk to you, or me, or his father, so get angry at him for that. I haven’t done nothing, not to him, or to you. Don’t you dare call me and abuse me just because you raised your son to be a spoiled brat.”
“You classless little bitch,” Andrea spits out. “You know I’m getting him a divorce lawyer the second he comes back, and you won’t get a cent of his money.”
“Good job I don’t need his money then, isn’t it? I make plenty of my own, unlike you.”
“If only you could make your own children and actually keep a man.”
My face flushes with rage, and a sick feeling sinks into the pit of my stomach. “You’re a mean, vile old cunt, Andrea. Do not call me again.”
I hang up the phone, my hands shaking with rage, and I wobble over to the stool next to Char. She watches me carefully, reaching out to put a hand on my arm.
“Mother-in-law?”
I nod, wrapping my hands around the cup to try and warm them. “Yeah. Being her usual bitchy self.”
Char tuts, shaking her head. “I hope that woman falls down a ditch somewhere. Crashes her car maybe, and just - POOF - gone. No longer stealing oxygen from those who truly need it.”
“I never wanted kids,” I blurt out, my head still whirring and my stomach still feeling like it was going to try to empty its contents all over the kitchen floor. “I didn’t, you know? It just wasn’t my thing, not after what… what happened to me.”
“I know.” Char rubs my back gently. "You don’t need to-”
“But I thought maybe one would bring us together, you know? Because I’m stupid. I was young, and Archie talked about having a son to carry on the family name. Usual loser shit, you know?”
“Yeah.” Char nods.
“But then after a year, nothing happened.”
Char’s eyebrows shoot up. “You tried to get pregnant?”
I nod, picking up the tea and taking a sip. “Yeah, but it didn’t happen. So I went to the doctor, to try and-and find out what was wrong with me, if something was wrong with me, and… And I can’t have kids.”
“Oh, babes.” Char puts her arm around my shoulders. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“Because it was stupid, you know? I never wanted kids. I didn’t.
But then, having that choice taken away from me, it was…
It just felt like something else I had no say over, another Fuck You from the universe to remind me my body wasn’t really mine.
I couldn’t even decide to be a mother or not.
” I lean into Char’s warmth, and squeeze my eyes shut. “It felt so unfair.”
“It is unfair, so unfair. Oh my god, and you’ve been going through this all on your own all this time.”
“I just felt so stupid. It shouldn’t upset me.”
“Yes it should, for all the reasons you just said.” She looks down at me with a frown. “Did you tell Archie?”
I nod, sighing heavily. “He said the doctors were probably wrong and that it’d happen one day.”
“Helpful.” Char huffs out a breath. “I’m so sorry, sweetie.”
“Andrea was just vile about it on the phone, it just brought it all back up.”
“Of course Archie told his mum.” Char sighs. “Another burial at sea, coming up.”
I laugh softly, sitting up to pick up my tea. “We’ll have the whole Graves family in there before you know it.” I shake my head, staring at my cup. “I can’t wait to be rid of them. Just forget this whole mess and be rid of the lot of them.”