Chapter 17
Chapter
Seventeen
Sage
My intuition tugs at me at the same time as the whistle of the wind does. I duck my head instinctively, and the knife that had been flying right towards the back of my head lands in the tree in front of me, swinging back and forth with the force it was thrown.
I turn over my shoulder and see Alexei, a combination of both shock and rage resting on his face.
"Seriously?" I exclaim, coming to my feet and brushing grass from my legs. "How long have you even been here? Like ten minutes? You couldn't keep it together for even ten fucking minutes?"
"An hour, at least." He takes his time stepping into my space until I can fully see him.
"What the fuck!" I say again, gesturing towards the knife.
He steps around me and rips the knife from the tree, settling it back into his belt. "You knew I was here. You can't say you weren't planning the same thing."
I huff, knowing he's got me there. "Well. I was going to wait at least an hour and a half."
A smirk appears on his lip before he smothers it.
"What are you even doing out here?" Alexei asks.
"Enjoying the sun," I say, rolling my eyes.
"It's been raining all morning."
"Well I was enjoying the atmosphere," I argue back. "Until you tried to kill me again."
He raises his brow. "Why are you always so surprised when I do that? Do I seriously need to explain to you what the point of all this is?"
He's right. I am always surprised. I'm not even sure why.
I sit back down in the grass, wrapping my arms around my legs. "I was clearing my mind. Plotting new very painful ways to kill you."
Alexei snorts. "How was that going for you?"
"Good, thank you. Not like you'd understand."
He crouches, resting his hands on his knees as he hovers over me. "Killing? I understand killing far better than you do, princess."
I huff a sigh and settle back further into the grass.
He would never understand the grief I have.
Trying to explain the impact is a losing battle.
But I also find myself wanting to make him understand.
Victor was a horrible person. He betrayed everyone he knew and loved.
Especially Alexei. I killed him in self defense. Our grief isn't the same.
Stormy eyes sear into me, calculating as they run over my face and the rest of my body. I hate when he looks at me like that. It's always been like he can see further into my soul than I'd planned to let anyone.
"You think your grief is bigger than mine," Alexei says, letting the words out on a whisper that seems to disappear on the wind. My head snaps to his, watching him as he stares into the distance like he can see the small yet powerful words disappearing into the thin air, too.
"It is," I argue sheepishly, strangely shy all of a sudden.
Alexei sits down on the grass beside me, stretching his arms out and wrapping his large thick-veined hands around his knees. He stares out into the distance like he doesn't even remember I'm here, forgotten in his presence.
"He... we were in love," I say. "We could have had a future together. We could have built a life."
A small smile appears on the corner of his lip. Like he knows something I don't. Instead of rage though I feel only curiosity.
Alexei considers me for a second, his black coat getting thick with rain water that's laden over the grass. "That wasn't real love, princess."
I scoff, shaking my head. It's laughable. I shouldn't have expected him to understand. The fucker has probably never known what it's like to love in his whole life.
"It's not the same, Alexei." Something sincere comes out in my voice that I don't mean for him to hear. But he does, reacting without anger. His eyes are no less intense, but they're peaceful now, too.
"My brother-"
"Your brother was working with Chet. What does that say about him?" I don't mean it to come out snappy but it does. He can't possibly compare his brother to what I've endured.
"I had assumed you didn't know," Alexei says, nodding though his eyes fill with pity. "Of course you don't. You wouldn't have tried to marry Victor if you had. Even you're not stupid enough for that."
Know what?
I frown. Because I am pretty sure I do know everything. Haven't I been the one orchestrating everything behind the scenes?
"My brother... was not a good man," Alexei says, and the admission shocks me enough that I close my mouth to hide whatever snarky retort I was building.
"But he was the only constant in my life.
He protected me when I was little. He sheltered me from the worst things our father had to give.
He raised me after our mother died. Everything I am and everything I learned, I got from him.
Victor became the bad person. He shielded me from ever having to see the things he did.
The things that made him as hard as he was.
He was my big brother. Regardless of what he did or what he planned to do.
He was everything to me. And I would've given my life for his a thousand times over.
I'd give my life a thousand times now if I thought it would grant him one more second on this earth. "
I feel like I've just been stabbed through the chest.
A cold sweat forms over my body, holding my head underwater so I feel like I can't breathe.
Have we ever had a sincere conversation? Why does this feel so much worse than the fighting?
A look of harsh shock slams into my face as I watch Alexei's features, and I physically see the grief that is holding him down. The reason why there are storms behind his eyes. I bite my lip, trying to hide my very visceral reaction to his description of his pain.
"But you are right. My grief is not the same," Alexei says, turning to face me. "It is far, far worse."
For a moment, he holds me there. In his eyes I can feel all his pain open up, the fragility of his grief saddling up against my own.
Eventually, Alexei stands up, brushes off his pants and leaves me alone. The whole time he walks away, I can't help but watch him, feeling his pain as if it's my own down into the very depths of my soul.
A lone tear rolls down my face, and as I lift my hand to stop it, my frozen heart thaws an inch.