Chapter 40
Chapter
Forty
Sage
Isit at the kitchen window, chewing on a candy to keep my blood sugar in check.
My mind is barely there as I day dream about the way tattooed fingers look when they're curled around my hips and Alexei is thrusting inside me.
Or about the feel of gentle lips on mine, dedicating himself to me with a kiss.
Then the thump of my heart as I struggle to decide if it's the roughness or the softness that is just so devastating.
I walk around with an open wound pouring out of my chest. But is it even visible how irrevocably I am being changed one gentle touch at a time?
"Daydreaming?" Freddie whispers, right against my ear as he sneaks up on me. I startle, of course, and he jumps back with a laugh before I can whack him.
"A little," I admit, chewing on the last of the candy.
"Saw Rushkoff trying to sneak out again this morning," Freddie comments, opening the fridge casually and taking a water, as if this is everyday conversation.
I give him a dry look.
"Saw it coming a mile away," he says as he sips the water, making an 'ah' noise like it's particularly delicious. "Death promise my ass."
I crack a smile. The truth is I don't know where we stand with our promise once we're done with Chet. The peace and truce we have is loosely held. What does happen to us once this is done?
I'm used to fleeting kisses. To running away.
To futures that are not promised and only living in what I can have for now.
Always wondering if every time we touch is going to be the last time.
It only makes sense that this would be the same.
That afterwards, there would be a return to normal. Whatever that even is anymore.
"WHAT did you just say about a death promise?" A booming voice sounds from the door of the kitchen. Freddie stops mid-sip and I stop mid-chew, faces paling when we turn to see Dad standing before us with a heaving chest and narrowed eyes.
He's not using his cane. I should be thankful that he's better, but it only makes this seem more ominous.
Freddie throws on a charming defensive smile and goes on damage control. "Nothing, Dim," Freddie says, placing a reassuring hand on Dad's shoulder. "Just chatting."
"I can see right through your little bullshit smile Freddie Robert Fallon."
Freddie's eyes widen and he rubs the back of his neck as his smile turns sheepish. "Did what I could," Freddie says to me as Dad ushers him away.
I hold on to the counter for support as I await the brunt of Dad's wrath.
"I saw the Rushkoff boy leaving your room last night, Sage," Dad says, not mincing words and not fucking around. "Tell me it's not what I think it is."
I can't tell him that. Because it's probably way worse than he's assuming.
"I have killed every boy who has ever looked twice at you!"
Freddie's head pokes around the door. "You missed a few, Dim."
"Get out of here!" Dad shouts. "What business does that boy have being anywhere near your room?"
Ugh. I cringe, lost for words and lacking an explanation. "It's complicated," I sigh, this terrible answer the only thing I can offer because it doesn't make sense to me, so how on earth am I meant to explain it to him?
That answer only makes Dad's face redden. I see him trying to remain calm and understanding, but the vein on his temple is pulsing, and he's definitely about two seconds away from losing it.
"Uncomplicate it," Dad says through gritted teeth.
"I couldn't if I tried," I admit. I rush forward and give him a hug to soothe him. Which works. He's a girl dad through and through. He strokes my head and gives me a kiss on my crown.
"Oh, Sage," he says. "I swear here you are all grown up and I didn't notice."
He holds me back by the shoulders. "I understand you're not a little girl. But regardless of this little truce, our families have been enemies for far longer than any of us have been alive. Please tell me something isn't going on with that Rushkoff boy."
I look up to Dad with imploring eyes. "I... can't."
I look down as I prepare for the backlash, and it does come, just as hard as I expected. Dad's thinly held temper spoils over and his voice bounds throughout the halls as he shouts at me.
Mostly about family and honor. A little about how wrong it is just because of the name Rushkoff. Something about my purity, but that one's laughable at this point.
Usually I would stand here and take it. It's not like me to push back on or disagree with my father. But now I can only withstand the yelling for a minute or two before I start yelling back.
"Okay! I get it! Stop!"
Dad rears back like he's been slapped. His nostrils flare with something in between disbelief and rage. He goes eerily quiet and calm, measuring his words.
"How dare you interrupt me," Dad says. "You cannot begin to understand the depths of this."
"No you cannot begin to understand it!" I point my finger right in his face and he does not like that one bit.
"This is not something you can pursu-"
"It's nothing!" I shout. "Stop! It's not even worth the breath we're wasting on it! Alexei is a little fling that I will let go of once we're finished here!"
"A fling?" Dad says, and the wording clearly hasn't helped. "A fling?!"
"Yes! He's nothing, okay. I couldn't care less if I never see him again. I do not need to hear shit from you!"
My breath is labored by the time I finally finish shouting. It's my monitor beeping that finally calms Dad down. I take a quick look at it and start chewing on the candies again to get it under control.
Dad's worry supersedes his anger at least, and he calms, though he looks no less disappointed. "You made a death promise with that boy?"
Damn. Here I was thinking we were going to forget about that part.
I purse my lips. "Yes," I admit, sighing as Dad's face drops again in disbelief. "I had to."
"Dear God, why?" Dad replies, rubbing his face in his hands. "What could have possibly possessed you to-"
"Because he killed Nicholas." I let the words out carefully and calmly, surprised by the even tone in my voice. I can't believe I can even say that without wanting to die.
The room freezes and icy silence settles between us. Dad's face crumples, one hand going to his chest and the other to the bench to steady himself. "He… what?"
I lick my lips, shaking my head but unable to find anything to say to explain it.
"He killed Nicholas?"
"Yes," I respond, but I already regret saying it. I shouldn't have told him now, and I definitely shouldn't have told him like this. "But - we - we have a truce until Chet is dead, until then, there's no death promise to worry about."
Dad holds up his hand to silence me. "And what is in it for him?"
"What do you mean?"
Dad gives me a dry look, knowing I'm well acquainted with the lore of death promises from his own with Chet.
"Don't be dense."
"Well I…" wish I didn't have to say this, "…I killed his brother."
"YOU killed Victor Rushkoff?" Dad says, eyebrows shooting upward.
"It's very complicated," I say.
"Oh my God," he says, teeth grinding. "I cannot even look at you right now."
"Dad-"
I reach for him and he swats me away. "No," he says. "Do not follow me."
I sigh and lean against the counter, flinching at the kitchen door slamming when Dad leaves.
That could've gone much better. But, silver lining, it also could've gone much worse.
I'm still breathing, that's something. I run my hands through my hair, emotionally drained and devastated from that confrontation.
But it's not the last one I have coming.
"You finally told your dad."
I look behind me and see Alexei standing at the other door to the outside of the house. He gives me a resigned look and shakes his head at me. "Fling, huh? Couldn't care less if you never saw me again?"
"Alexei-"
"Interesting."
It only takes a second for him to turn on his heel and leave, too.
Alexei is fast.
He's already halfway down the driveway when I finally catch up to him.
"Alexei wait!" I yell, doing my best to chase him even though my sugars are low and I'm fighting running with chewing on little candies.
Alexei strides ahead of me, only walking but at a pace that is so calm and menacing that I can't believe he manages to be so fast while doing it. He doesn't even turn back to look at me though I know he can hear me.
He's almost at the gate when I manage to reach out and grab his arm.
"Wait!"
He rips his arm from my hand but he does stop, turning to face me and folding his hands together in front of his body.
"For what exactly?" he says, speaking in a tone that's far too calm.
"I don't know," I shrug. "Just to let me explain."
He raises a brow, but there's so much anger behind his stormy gray eyes. This is far from the tender man who tucks me into bed and strokes my hair while I fall asleep.
"Explain what? How we're on limited supply? Or was throwing me under the bus with your father all part of the grand plan?"
"I don't know what to say-"
He advances on me and I have to back up to avoid getting chewed up in his vitriol. "What happens after this, princess? We go back to fighting to the death?"
My heart burns. I would let him kill me and we both know it.
"It was just something I said," I sigh. "I - I don't know. Didn't you think this was anything other than temporary?"
I look up imploringly into his eyes and they falter. It's only a slight dip but I can see I've shocked him with that question. My heart aches even more. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I've hurt him.
His eyes dart back and forth between mine, but I have unintentionally stunned him. He licks his lip as he backs away from me slowly. Like he wants to attack but seems to think he's not in the right position to win. Not without giving up ground.
"You're right." He nods, but his eyes hit the ground.
"Wait, I-" I reach out for him, but he pulls away from me.
"Temporary is good," he says. He stumbles as he walks away, half turning back like he wants to say something but decides not to.
I hold my hand over my heart as I realize that what I've just done to him is the same thing that was done to me.
It broke my heart when Nicholas did it to me.
I'm the one running away this time and I'm not entirely sure why.
I don't want to, but still I can't seem to open my mouth to say anything that's going to make him stay here with me.
"Are you-" I reach out and he stops. "Are we still- today?"
Alexei sighs, understanding what I'm asking.
And yet I can't be sure what's going to happen from here.
Because he walks away for real this time.
He completely ignores me as he paces towards the front gates.
I only just notice that Isla is standing there too, a pained look on her face as she watches our interaction.
Alexei doesn't pause as he reaches her, pushing past her and fiddling with the lock on the gates.
"Alexei we should-" she begs, grazing his shoulder.
He brushes her aside as the lock opens. "Get in the car." He doesn't look back at either of us as he heads for the car and heaps himself into the passenger seat.
Isla turns to me, giving me a sad look that I can't quite read. Maybe disappointment. Maybe she feels bad for me. But in the end, she'll always follow him.
"Yeah, coming," she says, brushing her hair over her ears.
She joins him in the car and when she leaves, she leaves carrying a piece of me I didn't know was missing.