Chapter 42
Chapter
Forty-Two
Sage
Ican't help but feel like I've done the wrong thing.
I hold my hand against my chest as I walk back up the driveway, because something there physically hurts.
Something bad feels like it's brewing. That's once again because of something I've done.
That once again I won't be able to fix or take back.
Another one of my endless mistakes ending in bloodshed and casualties.
Close to the front door of the house I stop, hearing more raised voices inside. Dad clearly isn't done with his rage about my death promise or about Alexei and I. My uncle must be next in his sights, as it's definitely him and Uncle Anton that I hear shouting back and forth.
I'm impressed to find that the shouting is coming all the way from Dad's office, so I make my way up there to eavesdrop. Freddie sees me coming and blocks the door with his body, barring me from entering. "Trust me, bella, you don't want to go in there."
I nod and step back, taking his word for it as I listen to my dad and my uncle sling arguments and insults back and forth.
The substance of the argument is clear. It's me.
Who I have become, or, as my dad thinks, who Anton has let me become in his absence.
Every secret I've tried to keep is questioned.
The storm surrounding every lie I told beginning to reap the damage I've sown.
"They're yelling about me," I state.
"Yes," Freddie agrees, turning his head towards the door where the raised voices carry my name very clearly. "Someone dropped on him that Rushkoff killed Nic."
"Stupid person," I agree.
Freddie smiles.
"Anton said I had to own up to what I'd done with Dad on my own," I say.
Freddie just stares at me.
"I'm too scared," I admit. "Telling you two was hard enough. It's just... shameful."
"Which part?" Freddie asks.
The worst of it is that what I've now told Dad doesn't even begin to scratch the surface on everything I've done that he could find out about.
Still though, I'm not sure how to answer.
There are many shameful things that I've done.
Making a mess of it and getting Dad hurt.
Suspecting Victor was trying to hurt me and then running right into his arms, anyway.
All the stupid things I did that eventually led to Nicholas's death.
I'm ashamed of making the death promise in the first place.
I can sling both knives and insults Alexei's way, pretend it's all his fault. But the truth is I blame me most of all. I blame myself for Nicholas's death. Maybe that's right. Maybe that's wrong. I don't know. Maybe in reality it's no one's fault.
I never thought twice about the death promise because back then I didn't mind if Alexei could kill me. I thought I deserved it for everything I'd done. I'm still not sure if I hate myself less enough to say I wouldn't do all the same things over again if I had the chance.
Of all the shameful things, maybe Dad never needs to know. It's far easier to face a lie than it is to face the truth.
"Maybe now's the time to start telling the truth," Freddie suggests.
Our eyes meet as I wonder how he knows exactly what I'm thinking.
I really don't want to. Yet, I do it anyway.
The door creaks as I push it open but Dad and Anton don't spare me a second thought as I gulp and press my way into the room.
Dad's angry eyes shift to me from where he stands behind his desk.
It is still so jarring to see him standing there.
Like an immovable force. It's like no time has passed at all.
Anton stands in front of the desk with his eyes down so he doesn't directly see me, but he does spin to face me when he sees my dad's eye shift to me.
"Sage," Dad says. "Whatever you need it has to wait."
"I know," I say, ignoring him and coming closer to stand at Anton's side. "I have something important to say."
"Dimitri here is overruling me," Anton says, looking at me in annoyance like it's my fault.
"What?" I ask.
"Big brother is healed apparently," Anton says, spreading his arms. "My authority here is done. Right, boss?"
Dad sighs and stops. He doesn't want to entertain me right now, that much I can tell. "This isn't the right time."
"It is the right time, Dimitri," Anton says, grouchy as he slumps into the chair. "In fact, it's probably later than it should be."
My heart beats harder. Knowing that now time has run out because Anton isn't in charge anymore.
"I haven't told you the full truth yet."
Dad narrows his eyes and looks at Anton disapprovingly before sighing like he's going to humor me.
"You might want to sit down for this," I cringe.
Dad heaps into his chair with a groan. "For the love of God, anima mia. Is there more? How could there possibly be more than what you've already done?"
I purse my lips, unsure where to start.
Freddie slips into the room and sits on the lounges at the back, he doesn't want to miss this clearly but doesn't want to be close enough that he's in the splash zone when Dad murders me.
"This isn't Anton's fault," I say, nervously picking at my fingernails and feeling much like the little girl that used to get dragged in here and scolded for bringing mud pies into the kitchen.
"I'm well aware now, that apparently this is your doing," Dad says, hard eyes trained on me.
I wait my turn, expecting someone to cut me off, speak over me or ask a question as they always do. But that time doesn't come. Strangely enough, the floor is mine, open and ready for me to speak.
"Well, all of it is my doing, actually," I say, feeling a tear prick at my eye. "I'm the reason you were hurt. I'm the reason Nicholas was… Well, don't blame Anton. Or Freddie. It's my fault. All of it was because of me."
Anton's brows crease with something like concern, a nervous finger reaching out to pick at his lip. Dad stares with a similar expression, though this is certainly news to him.
"I knew about the attacks here, Dad," I say. "I thought I could do something extraordinary to fix it, that I didn't need anyone's help and I could find out who was behind it on my own."
"Where are you going with this?" Dad says, eyes narrowed but voice strangely calm.
I still feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment. "I suspected it was Victor who wanted to hurt me, so I-," I hesitate, looking to Anton who narrows his eyes at me, "-found a way to bring Victor close to us. I needed you out of the way to get Victor here."
"You had me attacked?" Dad says, face contorting in hurt.
"No!" I rush to say, reaching my hand out towards him. "Well, not on purpose," I continue shamefully. "But it is my fault."
Dad pinches his nose between his fingers.
"And what does this have to do with Nicholas then?"
My heart jumps at his name, but as much as I want it to I don't let it break me. "He died protecting me," I say, and it's all I can do to not hyperventilate through this. "Victor wanted to hand me over to Chet. They had an agreement. Nicholas died to stop that from happening to me."
This time a tear runs from my eye and I quickly rush to wipe it away. Trying to stay strong and face up to this genius plan that I thought was going to solve everything.
"So, as you see, all of this is my fault. What happened to you. What happened to Nicholas. Ending in Victor's death, a death promise. And now the fact that Chet is strong enough to require the force of two families to defend me from him."
Dad looks at me with an expression that I can't quite read while Anton sits forward in concern, much less upset than he was the first time he heard this.
"None of this was your fault, Sage," Anton says. "You don't have to carry that."
I can't look at him, I just let the tears run down my eyes as I try my best to stand up straight and pretend I don't feel them falling.
"Nicholas would've said the same thing," Freddie says, gently reassuring me. "If there was any way he had to go, protecting you is the only way he would've chosen."
I look back at Freddie, wiping the tears away and finding a gentle sympathetic smile.
It's like they've only just realized the depths of shame I hold.
I would think it's obvious, given the lengths I went to with my death promise, but perhaps I've done a far better job of hiding hurt behind anger than I realized.
The loving silence is broken by a bark that sounds like a laugh but I know is coated in rage. We all turn to look at Dad, almost forgetting in the moment that repeating this was for his benefit.
"Don't do this right now, Dim," Anton sighs. "She was just-"
Dad covers his mouth in disbelief. "This is what you've been dancing around Anton? The secret you've been keeping? You let her do all this? Are you out of your God damn mind?!"
"I didn't let her do anything-" Anton says at the same time that I say, "He couldn't have stopped me if he wanted to."
"That's why the Rushkoffs are here, so close to us? You let them in the gates in the fucking first place."
"They really are here to work with us to fight off Chet-" Anton starts to say.
Dad stands up and starts to pace.
"Calm down, Dim."
"DO NOT-" Dad starts to shout just as his desk phone starts ringing, cutting him off.
The silence is eerie while the phone rings ominously in the background.
For Dad, pacing means uncontrollable rage.
I've seen him do some crazy things when he's been like this before.
Worse though, there's hurt behind his eyes, too.
He thinks he's losing control, and maybe he is.
None of us are really doing anything he says anymore.
Dad takes a deep breath before he answers the phone. A soft voice comes through but I can't hear what they're saying.
"This isn't a good time-"
Dad stops mid sentence as he listens to the person on the other end.
"They did?" he says, his eyes flicking to me. A stone drops into my stomach with his look and the tone in his voice.
"I see. I understand. Thank you."
Dad hangs up and closes his eyes. We are silent, patiently waiting for him to face us again.
In the end, Dad storms off, walking away with a limp as he refuses to look at any of us.
The bridge between him and the rest of us gets even longer.
We stand here like a team and him like the outsider.
I suspect that divide hurts us all equally.
"Dim, did you want us-" Anton stands as he starts to ask but Dad bats his hand and dismisses him.
Freddie comes closer a moment later. "I hope this isn't too much for him."
Anton shakes his head and slumps into the chair. "He took back control. Nothing I can say to him will matter now."
I frown, feeling something rich in the air. Wondering what Dad could've possibly needed to deal with so urgently. I can't imagine there's something more important than what is going on in this room right now.
Anton and Freddie continue a defeated discussion in the background as I walk, frowning, towards Dad's desk. I pick up the phone and redial the last number that was called.
It rings for a moment before a woman's voice answers.
"Yes?"
I startle at the voice. "Angie?" I question. Anton and Freddie's heads snap to me where I'm on Dad's phone. "Why would you just call my father?"
She sighs as she speaks. "Look, I'm sorry, Sage." Her genuine use of my name throws me off guard. "Some new information has come up. And as entertaining as you and all your antics have been this is getting out of hand now and I had to inform Dimitri."
My heart starts to beat double time.
"Do you know Alexei is here?" she continues, not waiting for me to respond.
"Why would that matter?" I ask, my voice stuttering as sweat beads my temple.
"He plans to hand you over to Chet, girl. He's gone too far this time. I had to stop it."
My breath hitches and anger rises inside me. I hit the speakerphone button and then slam the handle down.
"Say that again, Angie," I say, leaning on Dad's desk with anger as I let her repeat that to Anton and Freddie.
"Alexei is trying to make a deal to hand Sage over to Chet?" Anton cringes, voice squeaking in panic. "And you told Dimitri this?"
"Is Alexei is still at the bar?" I ask, interrupting all their pointless conversation, because this is the only question that matters if we are to keep our deal.
Angie stutters. "... Yes?"
I hang up on her and take a deep breath.
My heart sinks as my mind drifts to the thought of Alexei sitting in her bar. Staring at her from across her booth as he asked her to help him betray me.
I don't get time to think on it for too long.
The engine of a car roars in the front driveway. Anton, Freddie and I all rush to the window, making it there at the same time to see Dad's car roaring out of the estate. All at once we seem to realize where he's going and why.
Right towards where Alexei waits like a sitting duck.
"We need to go," Freddie says.