Chapter 44 – Sydney
SYDNEY
“Oh my GOD!”
I smirk as I stroke my fingers over Bea’s fur. She’s curled in a perfectly round ball on the massive bed, purring softly, completely unfazed by my best friend’s shouting as she inspects my suite.
“They have ROBES!” Jade calls, her body half hidden in the wardrobe as she digs through it. “Sydney, have you seen these?”
I had seen them, actually, when Vicky gave me a full tour of the Goddess Suite.
The name suits this space perfectly. Each of the four rooms are draped in golds and soft creams, crystal chandeliers bathing everything in a golden ambient glow.
Canopies of sheer silk flow from the ceiling above each bed in delicate waves.
It’s decadent, fantastical. The stone floors are even heated, and covered with plush rugs that feel heavenly beneath my feet.
“Oh, they feel like clouds,” Jade coos, pulling a robe off the hanger and rubbing it against her face. “We have to wear these later.”
“There’s a spa, too,” I tell her. Jade’s eyes flash with interest. “One floor down.”
“We’re getting massages,” Jade says decisively. “There’s no way we’re passing that up.”
She throws herself onto the bed next to me, the mattress bouncing with the force of it. The bed is so big, I barely feel it, but Bea opens a single eye and levels a grumpy glare at Jade for interrupting her nap.
“Thanks for coming,” I tell Jade. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, hugging myself. “You didn’t have to shut down the store for this, you know.”
“Sydney…” Jade gives me a look. “You were attacked. In your own home. Who cares about the store?”
I do, I want to say. I care about it.
“Besides, it’ll still be there tomorrow. I’ll open up on my own.” Jade rolls over on the bed and reaches out to pet Bea. “Justin can help me in the morning, but we’re usually slow enough that I can close on my own without any issues.”
I still feel guilty, though. “I’m sure I’ll only be gone for a day or so,” I tell her. “But still… I really appreciate you coming.”
“Like I’m going to miss the world’s most expensive sleep over?” Jade jokes. “So. What do you want to do first?”
“Massages. Definitely. And then maybe grab a drink at the bar?” I hug myself tighter. “And then room service. And bad pay-per-view movies.”
“Sounds perfect.”
My phone chirps. I’d almost forgotten about it, and I realize I haven’t paid any attention to it since Jade arrived. It’s been easier to ignore it and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist.
The Boss: How are you feeling, darling?
I’m okay.
The Boss: Second Circle should have everything you need but if there’s anything I can do, just ask.
I stare down at the screen, my anger bubbling to the surface.
You could try being honest with me.
There’s a long pause after I send my text. Sometimes I wish I were a more patient woman, but after everything I’ve gone through in the last few weeks, the least he can do is start opening up to me.
The Boss: I will. I promise.
Promise is just a word, Alec. I need more than that. You can’t keep me on the outside of this. Not anymore. Not when it impacts me. Not when it gets me hurt.
He doesn’t answer. With a frustrated sigh, I toss my phone into the bedside drawer and turn back to Jade.
She’s sprawled on her back, lazily flipping through the hotel amenities book. “Did you know they have an in-house waxer? And they come right to your room.” She lowers the book, an evil grin on her face. “Want to get matching landing strips?”
“Absolutely not,” I say, collapsing next to her on the bed.
“Fine. We’ll do the full Brazilian.” She clicks her tongue. “But I have to be honest, I prefer having a little hair down there.”
When I don’t play along, she lowers the book again, frowning at me.
“Hey… You okay?” she asks.
“Yes. No? I don’t know.” I groan and drag my hands over my face.
“I don’t even know how to be right now. I was attacked!
A man died in front of me! And I have absolutely no idea why any of this even happened!
” I prop myself on my elbows, turning to stare at her.
“And you want to know what the worst part is?”
“I feel like the ‘getting attacked’ part,” Jade offers dryly. “Or your ex being the world’s creepiest stalker.”
“No.” My voice drops. “The worst part is I don’t feel bad that he’s dead.”
And when my boys find Chase? I know exactly what will happen to him. And I don’t feel bad about that, either.
Jade purses her lips, considering me. Finally, she rolls onto her side to face me. “Do you remember Breanna Grant? From high school?”
“Of course.” How could I forget my best friend’s bully? The girl whose sole mission in life was to make Jade miserable. “Why?”
“Remember when she broke her leg in tenth grade and her parents kept her out of school for a month?”
I nod.
Jade laughs weakly, shaking her head. “I was so sure that was my fault. I used to pray every night that something bad would happen to her. Did I ever tell you that? I hated her so much.”
“I love you Jade, I truly do, and I know we had that Wiccan phase in middle school, but even I don’t think you could have caused her to have that skiing accident.”
“Irrelevant.” She waves my words away. “I thought I made it happen, somehow. And I felt terrible. Like, couldn’t eat for days terrible.”
“I’m really not seeing how this is supposed to be making me feel better,” I grumble.
“Shush, be patient. That month she was out of school? That was the best month of high school for me.” Her voice softens. “Best month for a lot of the kids she picked on, actually.”
“I’m not surprised,” I tell her. “She was awful.”
“By the time she came back, I didn’t feel guilty anymore.
It felt like…” She pauses, mulling her words.
“It felt like a good thing, what happened to her. Like her being hurt was a net positive for the world.” Jade watches me, her expression sober, voice gentler now.
“You’re allowed to not mourn the people who hurt you, Sydney. It doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“It doesn’t make me a good one either, though.
” I lift Bea into my lap, finding comfort in stroking her soft fur.
“It’s just, you still…felt something. Sometimes when I get angry, it’s like the rage takes over.
And I don’t feel guilt or remorse. Just pure, unbridled rage.
My parents tried so hard with me, but once I got to that point, all I saw was red. ”
“Oh, I remember,” Jade says softly. “The day they died? I know you blame yourself for what happened, but I feel guilty about it, too.”
“What?” I sputter. “How could it possibly be your fault?”
“How could it be yours?” Her voice cracks.
“You were defending me! You heard Breanna call me…that word…and you just snapped and hit her.” Jade shakes her head, eyes welling with tears.
“But Syd, that was just the first time you heard her say it. She said that to me nearly every day at that school, and if I had just defended myself, you wouldn’t have had to.
You wouldn’t have gotten sent to the principal’s office, your parents wouldn’t have been called, and none of it would have happened. ”
“That’s not on you! I have no control over my anger.
Of course I was going to defend you, but a sane and healthy person probably would have used words!
” My throat tightens. “I felt nothing when I hit her. No remorse, no pity, nothing. It wasn’t until the accident…
It’s why I don’t let myself get this way anymore. I can’t control it.”
Jade considers me. “And that’s how you feel now?” she asks. “Out of control?”
“I don’t know. It’s…hard to describe. But it feels like there’s something wrong with me.
” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Shouldn’t I feel bad?
When I get like this, when the anger takes over, and I just”—I wave my hands through the air—“punch a bitch in the face, shouldn’t I feel something, after?
When a man is killed right in front of me, shouldn’t I feel some sort of guilt? ”
Jade squeezes my arm. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
And I love you, no matter what. But I don’t think we’re going to solve everything that’s going on in one night, and you’re starting to spiral.
I think what we need to do is have a licensed massage therapist smack the worries out of you for a bit. ”
“Yeah. You’re right,” I concede.
“As always, but I hate when you state the obvious, it’s so axiomatic.”
“Axiomatic?” I shake my head in disgust. “I knew I should have burned that SAT prep book of yours when I had the chance.”