Chapter 18
Courtney
I’m fine during the day but as soon as it gets dark, anxiety sets in and I can’t sleep. This is the fourth night in a row that I’ve dozed on the couch instead of getting into bed, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m a mess and I’m not sure why.
Everyone here has been wonderful. Lennox and I are rebuilding our friendship, spending time together in the afternoons, and I worked out with Natalia this morning.
I hoped the gym would be empty since it was so early, but she was there running on the treadmill, so I hopped on next to her.
Micah was with me in his stroller, happy to gnaw on a frozen teething ring while we ran.
Then Daniil walked in, and I did a quick cool down before heading out.
It was a shitty thing to do since he’s bent over backwards to be accommodating but I’m not sure how to behave.
The family dinner meant to welcome me managed to make me feel like an outsider more than anything else, and I know certain people aren’t happy with me.
There’s no doubt Elen thinks I’m a horrible person for keeping Micah a secret and Sandor has been polite but distant.
The prospect of spending another night on the couch, staring at the ceiling while my heart races and my chest tightens and I overthink every single thing in my life is more than I can bear.
So, though I hate disturbing Micah, he can sleep anywhere.
I gently settle him into his stroller, make sure I have a bottle in his diaper bag, and then take the elevator down to the main floor.
There are gardens in the back, with spectacular fountains, beautiful flowers, and enough lighting to make it comfortable.
Evenings here are pleasant, even in July, and it’s nice to be outside.
The guard at the back door smiles politely as I pass, opening the door for me and murmuring that I should knock when I’m ready to come back in since they keep it locked after eleven.
A faint breeze lifts my hair, and I wish I’d brought a ponytail holder.
But it’s a beautiful evening and I’m completely lost in thought as I stroll along the perimeter of the gardens.
The rose bushes are blooming, and the aroma is strong but not overwhelming.
The hydrangeas creeping up one wall are a flurry of pink and purple, and even at night you can’t miss their magnificence.
I’m so lost in thought I jump when I hear my name.
“Sorry, that’s why I called out.” Daniil comes down the path.
He’s in shorts, a tank top, and flip flops—something I’ve never seen before.
Well, I’ve seen him in shorts since it was hot as balls in Vegas, but he always wore regular T-shirts and sneakers.
His hair is a little messy too, which I’ve only seen after a particularly energetic lovemaking session.
I’d almost forgotten how sexy casual Daniil is.
“Baby okay?” he asks, looking down.
“Yeah. I just…can’t sleep.”
“Tonight or since you’ve been here?” His voice is gentle, as if he already knows the answer, and I can’t imagine what it would prove to lie.
“Since I’ve been here.” I hate admitting weakness, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this.
He sighs and then reaches out to brush his knuckles across my cheek. “Is that why you’re wandering around the gardens at one in the morning?”
“Who ratted me out?” I demand, though I don’t have the energy to be mad.
“The guards always make a note in the log when someone goes outside after midnight. It’s for safety reasons. Joe got the alert and texted me, just in case.”
“Just in case…what? I tried to make a run for it?”
He chuckles, shaking his head. “You really are a spitfire, you know that?”
I frown. No one’s ever called me that before. “Is that a good thing?”
“It is to me. I think you’re spectacular, Courtney. I always have.”
I don’t know how to respond so I don’t.
“Well, I’m sorry if I disturbed your sleep.”
“I was up reading.”
“Business or pleasure?”
“Business. Always business.”
“Do you ever read for pleasure?”
He hesitates. “Not for a long time. If I have time, I’d rather watch an action movie. You know, superheroes or a show like ‘Jack Reacher.’ That’s one of my favorites.”
“The books are really good. But I enjoy the TV show too.”
We stand there for a moment, an awkward silence filling the air.
“I don’t want to—” he begins.
“I wish we didn’t—” I say at the same time.
“You first,” he urges.
“No, you go ahead.”
He hesitates. “I don’t want to make your life harder. Or do anything that causes you anxiety. If you aren’t open to anything more, I’d at least like us to be friends. Can we be friends, Courtney?”
Open to anything more? He never offered anything more than sex and we definitely can’t have more of that.
“What is it you want?” I ask in a guarded tone. “Because I don’t see a way forward. I think that’s the part that’s not simple.”
The hurt in his eyes is unmistakable, but he masks it so quickly I’m afraid I imagined it.
“I can support you,” he says. “I understand why you don’t want to live here, but what about somewhere closer? London? Paris? Anywhere you want in Europe. Then you’d only be a few hours away, and I could see him often.”
“I would have no support system in those places,” I say softly. “I’d be more alone than I already am.”
“You know you’re alone by choice, right?” he asks after a moment. “You made the decision to disappear, leaving not just me, but your friends, almost everyone.”
“I did what I thought was the best choice for the baby.”
“And now that’s what I’m trying to do. It’s not like I’ve had any choices to date, so it would be nice to have a say in something to do with my son.”
“I was on the pill when I got pregnant,” I blurt, though I’m not sure why I felt it necessary to divulge that information at this late date.
He frowns. “I never questioned how you got pregnant, Courtney.”
“But we were careful.” I pause. “Weren’t we?”
I sigh, a prickle of guilt sifting through me. “Mostly.”
“Mostly? What are you talking about?”
“There was a lot of alcohol that night after the attack. We were all hurting, frustrated…drunk. I don’t know for sure but there may have been one time without a condom.”
I gape at him. “And you didn’t say anything?”
“I assumed you’d let me know if there was an issue—there was no reason for both of us to worry. And I guess I figured as a military woman you were protected.”
“I’d had an issue with my IUD. My doctor suggested I go on the pill instead. I’d just started taking it…”
“I want to say I’m sorry, but then we wouldn’t have Micah.”
How does he always leave me speechless?
“You also still haven’t asked for a paternity test. Why?”
“Because I know he’s mine. If he wasn’t, you’d have simply told me so. And I’m positive you wouldn’t have gone into hiding. It’s obvious from where I’m standing.”
“Why do you make everything seem so simple? And before you say because it is, we both know it’s not.”
“Actually, I make anything I can simple because almost nothing in my life is simple. Not my jobs, my heritage, my country. Not even my family. Everything in my life is complicated as fuck. So when I can? Yeah. I keep it simple. I know he’s mine. Just look at him.
“If we decide to go public with that information, then yes, I’ll have to do a paternity test since we’re not married. It’s a requirement before I can declare him an heir. Beyond that, I like you. A lot. I always have. If you don’t feel the same, that’s fair, but I don’t want us to be enemies.”
“We’re not enemies,” I whisper because my voice is suddenly a little shaky.
I’m so tired of being at odds with him. Being afraid of him. It’s not fear that he’d get physical with me but merely the risk of danger that’s overwhelming for anyone in his orbit, and I don’t like feeling so out of control.
“Why do you look so sad when you say that?” he asks, searching my face.
“Because as much as I want it to be simple, I don’t know if it can be. Our lives are so different, on opposite ends of the world…how do we find middle ground for Micah?”
“I wish I knew.” His voice is soft now too.
And he’s looking at me with so much tenderness I want to throw myself against his chest. Lose myself in his strength and power, let him soothe all the things that scare me.
But I don’t.
“Come on,” he says after a moment. “Let’s go back to your suite. I’m going to put you to bed and then I’m going to sleep on the couch. Do you think my presence will help you rest? Ease some of your anxiety?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. Then I take a deep breath. “But I’m willing to find out.”