10. Chapter 10
Chapter ten
“You aren’t going to let me play?”
What the fuck! I toss my hat onto the couch in Brady’s office. I knew they’d hold me out for one game, but three! Fuck! Fuck, fuck!
I glance at Davey, and he gives me a small shake of the head. A let it go sign. He is the only one who knows where I was. Well, he figured it out when he found out I was stuck in Chicago. It didn’t take stellar detective work for him to realize why I was in Chicago.
Everyone assumes I was there chasing a piece of ass. Certainly not the piece of ass anyone would expect. Dammit, yes, that was true at the beginning…but, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Three games.
Davey doesn’t know the reality of what happened. Nobody knows about my panic attacks. Nobody ever will.
The league has assistance programs now to help with such things. A lot of players take advantage of them. It’s a no questions asked type of thing. And nobody needs to know any details. But you miss games for it. And they announce that’s why you are missing games. I can’t have that. I can’t have my father know that. I can’t…
I run my hands through my hair, they are shaking. But I make my way through the corridors and to the locker room to dress for our morning shakeout skate. I’m still allowed to practice—required to practice.
And I want to. The ice is still my refuge. Sometimes I think I like practice more than games. I like the structure. The repetition. Some would call it monotonous. But it centers me. Calms me. Keeps me grounded when the world around me turns to chaos.
I’m slipping though. Most of the time I can keep that chaos away from others around me. I can keep them from seeing it. Lately though…
“Hope she was worth it?” Shaker quips as he strolls past me out of the dressing room. Little shit. He has no fucking idea. And I am not in the mood to deal with his bullshit taunting.
“Well, it benefits you, doesn’t it? So I’d be careful how much you complain.”
Shaker will start on the top line in my place tonight, and likely the next three games I will miss. He’s my protégé. The next in line Grizzlies enforcer. And he’s good. Really good. Is my job already in jeopardy? No. Of course it’s not. No. No…breathe, 2, 3, 4. Dammit. I don’t fucking miss games and here we go again. What the hell is happening with me?
I slump down onto the bench by my locker and stare at my hands.
The tremble is barely visible. It isn’t to anyone else. I know it’s there, though. Because it starts from deep inside me and thunders its way out. The locker room is quiet. I feel a squeeze on my shoulder and see Davey.
“It’s not…” I shake my head. I want to tell him it’s not what he thinks. But that is the reason I went, isn’t it? The reason I went is exactly what he thinks. To get laid. To play around with Nandy. To see what it’s like to be with a man. Everyone else thinks I was with a woman. Everyone thinks I got laid. That never would have bothered me before. Everyone expected it of me and I embraced it. But this, well, it bothers me now. Because I didn’t get laid? Or because what happened with Nandy was more. So much more. Because there is something there now that has nothing to do with sex.
Davey is right. I’ve tried everything there is to try with a woman and I’m over it. I’m bored. I want more. I want different. I want to feel…something new…something different… hell, feel anything. I felt things sitting on the floor of that elevator listening to Nandy play. Play for me. Watching his beautiful fingers dance across the strings. Looking into eyes filled with understanding. Not pity. Not even sympathy. Understanding.
“I’m sorry,” I say, but I don’t look at him. He stays standing and puts his hands in his pants pockets. There is something he wants to say.
“What?” I look up.
“What are you sorry for?”
“Screwing up. Being careless. Thinking with the wrong part of my anatomy…for disappointing you guys.” Disappointing myself, I think. And knowing I’m going to get one of those calls from my father tonight.
Davey shakes his head. “I’m not the one who needs the apology. The guys do. But more than that, TJ, this isn’t like you. To my knowledge, you’ve never let a piece of ass come before hockey. What’s really going on?”
I want to tell him. But I’m not even sure what is really going on. Is this about my dad? My brother? My mom? I don’t even know anymore. I know it’s more than sex, more than fooling around and feeling a release. Hell, I can get a release on my own.
Being with Nandy the other night showed me how much more I want. How much more I need. The friendship he offered me. The understanding. It was worth way more than getting laid would have been.
“Is there anything you want to talk about?”
I shake my head and grumble. “No.” Do I tell him I didn’t get what I went for? It bothered Davey that I wanted to experiment with Nandy. He thinks I went for all the wrong reasons. And I probably did. I care what Davey thinks. I feel this weird connection to him now because he’s gay. Because I’m very attracted to a man. I know that is ridiculous and makes little sense.
“Davey?”
He turns.
I exhale and look at my hands. They’ve stilled now. “Nothing happened.” I look up and meet his eyes. “Not like you think.”
I can’t read his expression. He offers the smallest of smiles and leaves the room.