38. Chapter 38
Chapter thirty-eight
Fynn places the updated membership agreement on the table in front of me and makes himself at home in my kitchen.
“Any major changes?”
“No,” he says. “There is a reworded sentence in the confidentiality portion, but that’s it. Everything else is still good.”
“Great, that keeps life simple,” I smile.
We evaluate these every year. Just to make sure there isn’t a clause, we need to add or delete. Then we go through the list of members and see if there is anything specific we need to add to certain agreements. Some members require extra confidentiality and other things in writing to protect their privacy and our liability. Those members pay extra.
We have competent business managers and lawyers for this. But I still like to review everything since my name is the first one listed as the owner.
Fynn places a mug of coffee on the table and sits across from me. I do a small double take. He looks great. There is a peace in his eyes I’m not used to seeing in Fynn. He tries to hide so much with makeup and swagger. It works on most everyone. Everyone he keeps at arm’s length. But I know better. I know what he’s been through.
“That’s a nice sweater. I like that color. It’s really good on you, matches your eyes.”
“Thanks, TJ picked it out. He said the same thing.”
I blink. I blink again. TJ picked out a sweater color for Fynn. Why?
“You two are shopping together now?” It comes out light-hearted. That is not at all how it feels. I know they’ve been in contact with each other, because I’ve been avoiding TJ, and even Fynn as much as he will let me. Each of them has mentioned the other in conversations. Neither of them mentioned a shopping trip. And that would mean he has seen TJ in person. I haven’t.
Fynn smiles and takes a sip of coffee. “No, it was a gift.”
I stare at him and this time I’m not able to keep my expression neutral. I know this because I don’t even attempt to keep my expression neutral, causing Fynn’s face to fall and his joyful smile and sparkle to disappear.
“A gift?”
He nods.
“From TJ, to you ?”
He nods again. “Yes, he sent it to me to replace the one you bled all over.”
A friendly gesture. That’s all. After all, he told me he loves me . But that was weeks ago…shit a couple of months ago. Life has been shit since. I’ve shut him out. I have no right to this jealousy. He and Fynn are, of course, allowed to be friends. Aren’t they? Cashmere sweater giving friends?
TJ wants to be more than friends with Fynn. He told me that lying in bed together in this very apartment.
“How often do you talk to him?”
“More than you.” Fynn snaps.
And that wouldn’t be hard to do. Since I don’t talk to him at all.
“What am I supposed to say to him?”
“You could start by telling him what is going on with you…you could also maybe inform me about that.”
“I don’t even know what is going with me. How am I supposed to tell him?”
“Tell him that. Tell him anything. He’s worried about you.”
“Oh really? Then where is he? Why isn’t he here instead of you?”
Fynn stares at me, a coldness in his eyes I’ve never seen before.
“You selfish son of a bitch.”
Fynn raises his hand in exasperation with me. He clenches a fist. Almost like he wants to punch me. He’s never like this. I’ve never seen him like this. Not over a guy.
“Have you paid attention to anything going on outside of this apartment? Anything going on in his world?”
I swallow. I haven’t. It got to be too painful to watch hockey. See him continuing on with his life. Not being part of it. It’s his job. I logically know that. He has tried to call and text. That is happening with less frequency now. But he’s talking to Fynn. Apparently with a great deal of frequency. And buying Fynn sweaters. Cashmere ones that match Fynn’s eyes.
“His stepmom is dying, his half brother is living with their abusive asshole of a father, he’s buying a house for he and his brother to live in and oh, his brother thinks he might be gay.
“Did you know any of that?”
My jaw is on the floor. Of course I didn’t. I just gawk at Fynn.
“Oh, and if you’ve seen games…well they suck right now and are about to lose the playoffs…if they do, players will get traded, jobs will be lost, lives upended.”
“I—”
“No, you don’t, because you won’t talk to him. He’s been trying to reach out to you. Trying to help you…. well, he could use some support too right now.”
“Sounds like he’s got plenty.”
“Oh, don’t give me that whiny bullshit. If you lose him, that’s all on you.”
Lose him. Do I still have him? Did I ever?
“You’re in love with him, too.” It comes out as a statement, not a question. Because that is what this fury is about. He loves TJ. TJ loves me.
“Too? So you do love him?”
I swallow and nod.
“Then why the hell haven’t you told him that?”
“Things are…I don’t know…. complicated.”
Fynn groans and retreats to the kitchen. Has TJ told Fynn about his desire for all of us to be together? Have they done more than talk on the phone? Do I even want to know that?
I swallow and exhale. Making a show of looking at the contract in front of me, unable to process a single word of it.
“Have you seen him?”
“No.”
Relief washes over me, and I’m sure it’s visible to Fynn. No physical contact. No sex. Nothing without me. So far.
“He asked me to come to a game…but…”
I look up at him. “But?”
“Well, they are playing like crap and I don’t want to be a distraction,” he pauses. “You’re invited too.”
I’m invited too. Oh yay.
“It doesn’t look like they are going to make it to the next round. Their head coach even made them all stay together in Denver…. treat the home games like road games.”
I don’t understand any of that, but Fynn does. And Fynn knows about it. Fynn knows everything going on in his life. I don’t know a damn thing. He sent his trainer to see me. I don’t know why I even conceded to see her. She told me I’m fine, physically. Well, I don’t feel fucking fine.
I know deep down she’s right. I got pissed at him for sending her. That gave me yet another excuse to increase my distance from him. Seems my desire to push him away succeeded.
I knew he wouldn’t stick around. Proves my point. He was never in this for the long haul. I keep trying to tell myself that, and even the voice inside my head is telling me I’m full of shit. If he is really gone, that’s on me. If he ends up in Fynn’s arms…that’s also on me.