40. Chapter 40
Chapter forty
TJ is standing in my doorway.
“I need to talk to security about who they let up these days.”
He raises his eyebrows. His expression is indifferent. I try to smile. Pretend that was a joke, which it was, sort of. I push the door open and he strolls in. I shake my head in exasperation. He smells too damn good.
“You look like hell,” he says.
“Thanks so much, right back at ya.” Which is a damn lie. He doesn’t look like hell. He could never. He looks as fantastic as ever.
“I hear you haven’t picked up the violin since the accident.”
“Fynn has a big mouth.”
“Fynn is worried about you.”
“There is no need for that and no need for you to be here.” But he is here, and it’s good to see him.
“Well, if you would answer my calls, then maybe I wouldn’t be…or maybe I would anyway, because like it or not, I care about you and I’m worried too.”
Worried? Me too, but I’ll never admit that to anyone. “Like I said, everything is fine. I’m still having some pain when I play, that’s all.”
“So you’ve tried playing?”
“Of course.” I turn away from him so he can’t see the lie. “Thanks for sending Brittany.”
TJ nods. I can’t lie about what she said. She said the same thing my own damn doctor said. That physically I’m fine. I look at my bent finger. It does hurt sometimes. That is to be expected, they said. When I play again, it will get sore. That’s nothing to worry about. When I play again.
TJ glances around the apartment. It looks like me at the moment. Disheveled. Out of sorts. Not put together and flawless, like usual. He’s searching for something. My violins aren’t here and he’s going to figure that out.
“Okay, let’s try again and this time the truth.” He turns and faces me.
I look at him, my irritation growing.
“What the hell is going on, Nandy?”
“Nothing, this is just harder than we thought it was going to be…I can’t just hop back out there like you can. This isn’t a game.”
TJ nods and rakes his hands through his hair.
“Okay, I’m going to chalk that remark up to stress. I get that.” He looks around the room and I follow his eyes. I know exactly what he is looking for.
“Where is it?”
“Where is what?”
He doesn’t answer me. I know what he means. TJ doesn’t hesitate to head to the bedroom. I lunge at him and grab his arm.
“Where are you going? They aren’t in there.”
TJ swings around and yanks his arm from me. “Then where?”
“At my parents.”
“Quit fucking lying to me.”
“I’m not. I’ve been spending more time up there with them, so my violins are there.” I haven’t touched them, I don’t add. But that is where they are.
“What the hell is going on?”
“Nothing,” I shake my head. “It’s not like it matters to you. I haven’t seen you in months—”
“Don’t you fucking dare do that to me…. I’ve called and texted every day since the accident…it’s the playoffs…well it was…it’s not like the regular season, I can’t just jet set around between Chicago and Denver to check on you.”
But he is here now.
“We lost, we’re out…season is over.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Nandy. I don’t know how to help you here.”
“Maybe I neither want nor need your help. I never asked for it. I never asked for anything from you, ever.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Afraid? I’m not afraid of anything.” I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid he meant it when he said he loves me. I’m afraid I love him back and I don’t know how to do that. “That I can’t do it. That I’ll suck. That I won’t be the same.”
“You probably won’t be the same, so what? Are you afraid you won’t be perfect…or that some New York Times critic will call your playing pedestrian?”
I snort. “I’ve never been pedestrian in my damn life.”
“Do you think those kids who watched you play, who got to play with you…do you think they care you are perfect? Newsflash, I guarantee they don’t, but they will care if you give up.
“Is that what you want them to see? You want them to see that one small setback finished you?”
“Small! This is not a small setback…this could be career ending.”
“Yes, it could be. It for sure will be if you let it!”
“You don’t know anything about a situation like this.”
“Really…don’t I? I sure as hell never quit, and I never thought that was who you were.”
“You don’t know a thing about me.”
“I know you’re scared of something…I also know you won’t talk to me anymore and I don’t understand why.”
“TJ, I’m tired, so tired of everything. And I don’t know what I want anymore. I’ve spent so long playing for everyone else and doing it their way….I don’t know my way anymore.”
He looks at me. “Well, that’s the most honest thing you’ve said since I walked in.”
“I don’t want to fight with you,” I add.
“Well, I do dammit…Fight with me, fight for yourself…fight for us.”
“There is no us!” The words hang in the air and then crash into TJ with a nearly audible thud.
“It was one night TJ. Sex…that’s it…nothing more…and that’s exactly what you wanted.”
“No…apparently that’s exactly what you wanted…everything for me changed long before the sex…the night you sat on the floor of that elevator and saved me…”
“I’m not that man anymore. I’m not the man you fell in love with.”
“You’re right. That man would never give up on himself.”
We stand in silence again before TJ finally steps into my space.
“Don’t do that,” he says. “Give up on us, fine, but please…please don’t give up on yourself, on your music.”