46. Chapter 46
Chapter forty-six
My hands are trembling as I reach for the buttons and press P as the doors softly close.
TJ’s were rock solid. Mine are trembling.
What did I just do?
I have a violin in my hands for the first time in months. It feels…. weird. But holding TJ’s hands against it with mine. That was nice.
I step into my apartment and head over to the windows. I place the violin on the table so I can open the curtains. I hate dark rooms. I closed the curtains when I left to go to my parents, not expecting to be back for a while.
Then I stare at the violin. I pick it up again. It’s never felt so strange in my hands. Not even the first time I picked it up as a kid. It always felt like part of me. An extension of me. I was born to play it. But today. Today it was the fear I’ve had since the accident realized.
I place it under my chin and lift the bow to play. Moving the fingers of my left hand along the strings feels so awkward. Watching my fingers, they don’t seem to want to go where I try to place them. Like my brain is speaking a language my fingers no longer understand.
Fuck.
I pull the violin away from my chin, but I don’t put down completely.
“It shifts when you close your eyes. Do you know that? Every time, as soon as you close your eyes and let go there is a subtle shift in the music. You become one with it and it’s…so incredible.”
TJ told me that once. I’ve always closed my eyes once I really got going. I’ve done it for so long, I don’t even notice. I’m sure most people don’t really notice that anything changes. I like that TJ noticed. It’s not really a letting go though. It’s the opposite. It’s me taking control…me and the music together as one. The music is surrendering to me, not me to it. At least that’s how I see it.
I lift the violin again. Close my eyes and play.
And there it is.
Voices. One voice. I can’t even be mad that Fynn has burst through my door. It may have even been wide open. I don’t remember closing it when I walked in.
“You have made some stupid choices in your life,” he yells as he races down the hall. “But I never thought you were a fool—”
I turn and face him, not as annoyed by the intrusion as I should be. I smile and rest my violin on my leg and lean up against the back of the couch.
Fynn gawks at me, or rather, my violin. His jaw open and whatever was about to come spewing from his mouth is halted by the sight of me with my violin in my hand. He softens at the sight. I physically see him melt, as if whatever has him so angry was holding him several feet above the ground.
“You’re playing?” He breathes it so quietly, as if saying it out loud might make break the spell. I nod and smile at him.
“How is it?”
“Awful,” I smile. “And fantastic.”
“But, you’re playing!” He says it with more excitement this time.
I nod. “I am.” I exhale. “I am.”
He looks around the apartment as if he expected to see someone else with me.
“He’s not here.”
“I know,” Fynn snaps.
“How did you know I was here?”
“First, I got a text from Analisa saying that TJ had kidnapped you and your violin and she wanted me to check on you. Then I got a text from him.”
I want to know what his text said, and I also don’t. Fynn and TJ have gotten closer during my recovery. Not sure what I expected. I shut them both out.
“He got you playing again.”
I nod. “He did.”
“And you let him walk away.”
That gives me some idea of what the text must have said. “I did.”
“Why?”
I don’t have an explanation. Not one that will satisfy Fynn. “I just need some time.”
“Time! Fuck, all you’ve had is time.”
“I can’t give him what he wants.”
“What the hell does that mean? He wants you. How hard is that?”
“He wants you too.”
Fynn freezes and swallows hard. He blinks at me. He looks around, then narrows his eyes at me. “What did you say?”
“He didn’t tell you that?”
He shakes his head.
“He bought you a cashmere sweater the color of your eyes. That didn’t tell you something.”
“I…I was afraid to think he could want me too. The attention was nice and flattering…. I still thought it was about you. Everything is always about you.”
Is it? That stings.
“But he’s gone.”
I nod. “He said he wants us both, and I can’t do that.”
Fynn raises his eyebrows. “So it is still about you. He wants us both. You can’t do that, so I can’t have him either? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Well, it seemed like he didn’t want you without me.” And that sounded way shittier out loud and I’m uncertain at all, if that is what he meant. “A lot has happened since we had that conversation.” A lot has happened between him and Fynn. But he didn’t go to Fynn after he got off the elevator. So…I don’t know what to say.
“What did his text say?”
“Nothing.”