Chapter 10 - Alanis
It was still early in the morning when Alanis sat on the porch of the cottage belonging to Sara, with a mug of tea in her hands, which softened the chill in the air.
Elle was seated to her left, in a chair with her own cup, and Sara sat on the railing, swinging her legs back and forth and talking enthusiastically about the next harvest festival.
“—then Javi attempted to persuade all of them that we should have a bonfire competition, and whoever constructs the biggest fire wins, and Silas had to point out to him that we were in a forest and that was how you burnt down an entire territory.”
Elle snorted, shaking her head. “Sounds just like something Javi would say.”
“Right?” Sara grinned. “I think sometimes he just likes to see Silas put on the spot.”
Alanis smiled despite the soreness her body felt. The heat had died down after yesterday—after Rael had his fingers inside of her on the kitchen counter. But she could still feel it lurking under her skin, a reminder that it was not over.
She sipped her tea and endeavored to listen to what Sara said without thinking about what had happened in that kitchen. She couldn’t stop.
The memory was repeating itself in graphic, embarrassing detail. How she had pleaded with him to touch her. The whining, the whimpers, how she laid on his counter, how needy she was. How she begged.
That wasn’t her. Alanis Hester didn’t beg. She didn’t lose control. She sure as hell did not moan the name of any man loudly enough that anybody in the house could hear as his fingers were lodged in her.
It was the heat. The heat must have been the reason. This is what she kept telling herself. The heat, coupled with their bond, had made her some sort of sex-crazed woman incapable of thinking straight.
“Stop,” she thought to herself. “Do not think about it.”
But her treasonous heart would not comply.
Rather, it conveniently provided an in-depth re-enactment: the sensation of his fingers slipping into her, filling her in such a manner that it had made her whole body arch off the counter.
How he had curled them, discovering her g-spot and the dirty talk from his mouth: “Fuck my fingers, Alanis. Take what you need.”
Never had a man spoken to her in such a way during sex—rough, dominant, and reverent all at the same time. The one-night stands she had over the years had been fast, business-like, and short-lived. It was not like what she had with Rael.
She could still feel his thumb on her clit and hear the wet squelch sound of her pussy at the moment she orgasmed. She came so hard, she had seen stars.
Then he’d withdrawn his fingers slowly, torturously, and brought them to his mouth. Maintaining eye contact, he licked them clean, his eyes full of hunger. “Delicious,” he said.
Alanis shifted on the porch, trying to suppress the new surge of arousal. This was precisely the issue. She could not stop thinking about what happened and how good it felt to allow him to take care of her.
And that was bad, because it was not just physical. If it were purely physical, she might have been able to chalk it up to her body’s reaction to heat. But the way he looked at her afterward, the way he touched her softly—it was all different.
“I want you to be sure. Not just because you’re in heat, not just because we’re bonded. I want you to want this—want me—for the right reasons.”
What were the right reasons? She didn’t know anymore. It was all mixed up—the heat, the bond, the way in which he made her feel safe, frustrated, and wanted all at the same time. She could not distinguish what she felt due to the bond and heat, and what she felt purely because of him.
And she despised not possessing that lucidity. She loathed the fact that she literally came onto him in his own kitchen like some desperate—
“Alanis?”
She pulled her head back into the moment and saw that both Sara and Elle were staring at her, concerned.
“Sorry, what?”
“I asked whether you were okay,” Elle said, a slight frown forming on her face. “You have been staring at your tea for the last five minutes without drinking it.”
“I’m fine.”
Sara narrowed her eyes a little, but didn’t push. She instead jumped off the railing and sat down on the porch, right next to Alanis. “You see, when something is bothering you, come and speak to us; we are not going to judge.”
Alanis stared at her, then at Elle, then a strange sensation that she had never felt before popped in her chest. These ladies were being kind to her with no ulterior motives or conditions.
It had been a long time since she’d had female friends. Or friends in general.
“It is nothing serious. Just adapting to everything. The pack, the territory, the... bond.”
Elle smiled. “It is a very intense bond.”
“Did you…” Alanis hesitated, and then she resolved to ask. “Did you go through a heat?”
“Yes.” Elle smiled wistfully. “But not until much, much later. It happened so suddenly. I could not be in the same room with him without wanting to climb him like a tree, and Silas—well, I have nothing to say about him other than the fact that he was very…attentive.”
Sara made a gagging sound. “Please do not talk about my brother’s sex life right in front of me.”
“I wasn’t going to!” Elle smiled and glanced at Alanis.
“The heat exaggerates everything. It makes you desire things you would not normally desire, or rather, not desire so intensely. And with the attachment…” She nibbled on her lower lip.
“The bond will feel right, while your rational mind is telling you that it is too soon, too fast, and too much.”
“So…it gets better? The intensity fades?”
“It does,” Elle affirmed. “Eventually. But the bond itself… that does not die. You just need to learn to live with it.”
“But what if I don’t want to live with it?” The words slipped out before she could stop them. The silence that followed was heavy. Sara looked uncomfortable, and Elle’s expression became neutral. “I apologize. I shouldn’t have—”
“No, it’s okay.” Elle offered her a small smile. “Can I tell you something about my personal experience?”
Alanis nodded.
“I used to despise it when I first came here. When Silas first brought me here, I hated him because he deprived me of my choice, I hated the pack because they stared at me like I was an outsider, I hated the bond because it made me feel the things I did not want to feel. I was planning how to get out, how to get back to my former life.”
“What changed?” Alanis asked.
“Time and knowing who he was after all, under the Alpha persona.” Her smile became wider as she continued. “He is not a perfect man, nor are any of them, but he is a good man.”
“The best of them all is Rael,” Sara said in a matter-of-fact tone. “He is also the most emotionally stable, the most patient, least prone to do something stupid and impulsive.”
“Not that high a bar,” Elle muttered to herself, though she was smiling.
“My point is,” Sara went on, turning to Alanis, “he will allow you the room when you need it, he will defend you when you need that, and he will not force you into anything you are not ready to do.”
Alanis remembered how he stopped himself from going into her room the other night and yesterday in the kitchen, when he stopped as things were going too far, because he insisted on her being certain.
Perhaps Sara was right. Maybe Rael was a good man. But that didn’t change the fundamental problem: she still didn’t know if she could trust this pack, this place, this life that had been forced on her.
“I need to move,” she said abruptly and stood up. “I am sitting too still, and it is making me antsy.”
“Would you like to take a walk?” Sara offered.
“Actually…” Alanis hesitated, after which she came to a decision. “I heard there was training this afternoon. Fight training. Do you suppose we could see?”
Elle and Sara shared a look. “You want to see the black ops training?” Elle asked.
“I want to see what you all do. How you train and learn something, maybe.” Shrugging, she continued, “I know I cannot shift, but that does not mean that I cannot fight.”
Sara’s face lit up. “You want to learn how to fight?”
She already knew how to fight, but they did not need to know that. “I need to learn how to hold my own, you know.”
The Lumen had taught her a great deal of hand-to-hand fighting and arms. She wished to show this pack that she was not a useless being. That being shiftless did not render her helpless. But not yet.
Also, even though she hated it, she would like to see Rael in action. It was the heat talking. Had to be.
“Training begins in an hour,” Sara said, and stood up with barely suppressed excitement. “I will take you to the training grounds. Oh, this will be so much fun!”
The training grounds were bigger than Alanis had imagined, a large clearing that was bordered by woodland with several sparring circles marked out.
Groups had already been formed. Some were stretching, others checking weapons.
All of them exuded that certain vitality which always accompanied the anticipation of battle.
Alanis, Sara, and Elle were at the edge of the clearing.
Alanis tried to appear confident despite the new wave of heat-related discomfort that was sweeping through her body.
The timing was impossible. Her skin was too sensitive, and she was feeling too self-conscious.
The last thing she needed was to be in the midst of testosterone-driven shifters while her hormones went haywire.
But she was here now, and she was not retreating.
“There they are,” Sara pointed towards the other side of the clearing.
Alanis followed her gaze, and she almost choked on her spit. Rael was in one of his sparring rings with his brothers. All three were shirtless. Their skin was glistening with sweat, and their muscles flexed as they moved. Rael was leaner than Silas, yet bulkier than Javi.
She watched him swing with a succession of blows, his body writhing and moving so lightly. No movements or energy were wasted. Each blow was accurate, calculated, and crushing.