Chapter 2 Esag
ESAG
Acanvas bag was inadequate as a gift container, Esag realized when it was too late to do anything about it.
Then again, he wasn't bringing the twelve figurines of Khiann as a present to Annani.
He just wanted to get rid of them because he was tired of looking at the likenesses of his best friend all day long in his workshop and feeling the pain of his loss.
There was nothing wrong with the figurines.
In fact, they were perfect—carved with painstaking precision over many weeks—but useless. Not a single prophetic dream had come from all the effort he'd put into them. Perhaps Annani would appreciate them for their sentimental value.
Ogidu opened the door before Esag could knock, his face creasing into a warm smile. "Master Esag. The Clan Mother is expecting you."
"Thank you." As he followed the Odu inside, the familiar scent of jasmine tea and something else, Annani's exclusive blend of herbs, drifted from the interior.
She rose as he entered, still looking as impossibly beautiful and radiating power just as she had five thousand years ago.
"Esag." She offered him her cheek. "It's good to see you."
The goddess was so tiny that he had to bend nearly in half to accept the gesture. "It is so good to see you, too, Clan Mother."
"I am Annani to you. How many times do I need to remind you?"
The scolding was done in good humor, and he smiled. "You need to visit me more often so I'll remember."
She laughed, the sound raising the small hairs on his arms. "You always were such a sweet talker." She sat back on the couch and patted the spot next to her. "Come sit with me."
He joined her on the elegant sofa and put the bag at his feet, the soft thud that followed seeming to echo his frustration.
"I brought all of them," he said. "They are perfect, if I do say so myself, or as close to perfection as I can get.
The curve of Khiann's jaw, the way his hair fell across his forehead, even that infuriating smirk he'd get when he was about to say something clever.
I finally managed to capture it all. I was sure visions of him would come, but nothing happened. "
Annani's expression didn't change as she poured the tea into two delicate cups, her movements unhurried. "We knew it was a long shot."
She managed to keep the disappointment from her voice, but he did not doubt that it was difficult for her to accept that one more path to finding Khiann was a dead end.
"Maybe the visions will still come." Esag accepted the tea. "I don't understand how it works and why sometimes it does and other times it doesn't."
"Perhaps the Fates decided that it is not time yet for me to find him." Annani leaned back, holding the teacup. "Maybe I need to wait a little longer."
Her words made something twist in Esag's chest. "I hate letting you down, but it seems to be the story of my life. I'm always disappointing someone."
He'd disappointed Gulan when he hadn't left his fiancée for her, he had disappointed Ashegan because he hadn't loved her, and he'd disappointed Khiann when he hadn't followed his advice not to string Gulan along.
His punishment was to be alone.
"The Fates are in charge of our destinies," Annani said.
"I learned that lesson a long time ago, though it took me centuries to accept it.
We need to put in the work because they do not reward those who do nothing to advance their goals, and we can hope, because they want us to believe in them, but even if we please them in every possible way, they follow their own timeline, not ours. "
Esag set his cup down with a soft clink. "I hate feeling useless and hopeless. As long as I believed that my carvings of Khiann would help find him, I had purpose. Now I don't know what to do with myself."
"You could join the Guardian force," Annani suggested.
"They are doing important work, rescuing women and children from traffickers.
There is nothing more satisfying than fighting evil in all of its ugly forms and saving the innocent.
I am sure that Onegus would welcome someone with your experience. "
Esag chuckled. "I might offer my services, but my experience is five thousand years old and not relevant to what they are doing these days. It would take me a long time to catch up."
She regarded him with those wise eyes of hers that were still full of love and compassion despite all she had been through. "You have lived longer than any of them, and you survived on your wits. You will be a valuable addition to the force."
"Thank you for the vote of confidence."
Annani wasn't the type to offer platitudes. She must truly believe that he would make a great contribution to the Guardian force. So even though he hadn't considered it seriously before, her belief in him pushed him to explore the possibility.
She studied him over the rim of her cup. "Tell me, how are you enjoying life in the village? Have you been making new friends?"
"I've been obsessed with the figurines and haven't had the patience to socialize.
Roven and Davuh, on the other hand, are having a great time, though I think I'll drag them to meet the Chief of Guardians when I go to see him.
They've been on vacation for far too long.
They need to start making themselves useful to the clan and repaying your kindness. "
His buddies were living the life of gigolos, entertaining as many of the clan ladies as they could manage, without thinking about working or contributing in other productive ways.
Annani smiled knowingly, apparently having heard rumors about his friends' escapades. "Have either of them had any luck finding a mate?"
Esag was sure Annani knew exactly who each of them had spent their nights with.
"They're putting a lot of effort into going over the selection.
" Esag couldn't keep the edge from his voice.
"They're like kids in a candy store. After five thousand years of believing we were the last immortals alive, finding a village full of potential mates has been overwhelming. For them, anyway."
"But not for you. Why are you not pursuing anyone, Esag? You are a highly desirable immortal bachelor, and the ladies are disappointed that you keep yourself locked in your workshop and do not make yourself available."
He rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know that I was disappointing even more people."
Annani set her cup down. "Esag, look at me."
He did so, reluctantly.
"You should go out and live your life. You should not put everything on hold for this search or for anything else."
"But—"
"I am not done." She raised one tiny hand.
"You are still grieving, and you are so filled with guilt that you do not believe you deserve happiness.
I know because I felt the same and worse.
Can you imagine the amount of guilt I carry for being the catalyst of my people's demise?
For being the reason Khiann was robbed of his life? "
"It wasn't your fault," he murmured.
"And it was not yours either," she said.
"But that is neither here nor there. Guilt and grief are insidious bedfellows because there is comfort in their cold embrace.
The problem is that they are the servants of death, and they drain your life force.
I managed to pull myself out of the pit of despair by taking on a mission.
I had to preserve the gods' legacy, and I knew that I could not do it alone.
I could not afford to curl up in grief and wallow in guilt and hope for oblivion.
Life demanded I keep moving forward. I needed to have children to help me continue the gods' work.
I took on human lovers even though it was repugnant to me at first. Eventually, I learned to select men who reminded me of my Khiann so that I could tolerate them.
That is how I created my clan and saved humanity from Navuh's clutches time and again. "
The words hit Esag hard. Annani had been impossibly strong to overcome her grief and choose life.
It hadn't been discipline or natural resilience that had propelled her forward.
It had been a decision, a deliberate choice not to succumb to despair.
Realizing that shifted something in his perspective.
"We are not built the same, Princess," he said. "You knew your purpose. What is mine? I'm a squire turned carver who sometimes has visions but never when it really matters."
"You have the same thing I had—a life to live and a future to build." She leaned forward. "Find a lady, Esag. Settle down. Try to have children. Create something beyond this endless cycle of disappointment."
The picture Annani had painted with her words was so ludicrous that Esag couldn't help the laughter bubbling from deep within his chest, but there was little humor in it.
"Even if I found a lady tomorrow and started working on a family right away, it could be centuries before I had a child.
Immortals are not blessed with fertility. "
"Which is precisely why you should start now rather than wait.
" Annani rearranged the folds of her gown.
"Besides, we are not as helpless in that regard as we used to be.
Merlin, the clan's fertility expert, helped Kian and Syssi conceive, as well as Bridget and Turner.
It might not seem like much, given the many couples he is treating, but it is still far more than would have occurred naturally.
He is a little strange, but he is entertaining. "
"I've met Merlin." Esag leaned down to take one of the biscuits that Ogidu had served with the tea.
"He came by the workshop to look at the figurines.
He wanted me to carve a figurine of his mate and his adopted daughter, but I told him I wasn't taking orders until I was done with perfecting Khiann's.
" He bent to pull out several of the creations he'd brought with him.
"Oh, Esag," Annani gasped. "They are perfect. You are truly an artist." She reached for one of the figurines and clutched it in her hand. "I will distribute them all over the house. Perhaps they will trigger my remote viewing gift."
Esag lifted a brow. "Your what?"
"Remote viewing," she repeated. "Sometimes I can see where my loved ones are.
When Dalhu abducted Amanda, I saw her lounging in a bathtub, and I knew she was not suffering at his hands.
The vision provided me and Kian with comfort.
" She smiled. "You see? You are not the only one whose paranormal talents are not working right.
I have been hoping for a remote viewing of Khiann ever since I realized that he might be alive and in stasis.
Before, I did not dare." She shivered. "The warriors who testified against Mortdh said that he had beheaded Khiann. Naturally, I did not want to see that."
"That's understandable." He pulled the rest of the figurines out of the bag and arranged them in a row on her coffee table. "You have a nice selection now."
"They are all beautiful." She reached for another figurine and examined it. "Have many people been stopping by your workshop?"
There was something in her tone that made Esag narrow his eyes at her. "Yes, they have. An unusual number, actually, who wanted to buy anything I was willing to sell. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"
Annani's expression was the picture of innocence.
"I merely showed people the other figurines you gifted me.
They were impressed by the artistry and wanted to see more of your work.
I may have mentioned that you were willing to part with some of your creations for very reasonable prices.
" She paused, her smile widening slightly.
"But I certainly didn't tell anyone to go and buy things from you. They did it of their own accord."
That was the Annani he remembered, full of good-natured mischief.
Esag felt his mood lighten. "Well, I suppose I should thank you.
It does lift my spirits when people come by and purchase pieces.
It validates the artistry and momentarily cures my imposter syndrome.
" He chuckled. "I didn't even know I suffered from it until Ingrid explained what imposter syndrome was. "
"Your work is extraordinary, Esag. How could you think of yourself as an imposter?
People recognize artistry when they see it.
" Annani refilled both their cups. "Since your work is in high demand, why don't you take a break from carving figurines of Khiann and focus on other subjects instead?
If you make carvings of other clan members, it will help you socialize and get to know people better. "
"I appreciate the suggestion," he said. "But I'm not sure it would help.
What I need is an adventure. I need to get out of the village and do something that matters.
That's why the Guardian Force idea appeals to me.
" He let out a breath. "But I can't do that until I find Khiann or at least get a clue about his whereabouts.
" Esag stared into his teacup for a moment, watching the steam rise and dissipate.
"Has little Cyra brought you any more pictures? " he asked.
He was really desperate if he was hoping that the child would provide a clue they could follow.
Annani smiled. "She still draws stick figures of pretty doll men sleeping under the sand. She's persistent and enthusiastic, but the sand dunes she draws do not provide location markers in a desert that spans thousands of miles. The child might have a gift, but she's too young to make it useful."
"I wish I could do better for you," Esag said quietly.
"What I need is for you to stop carrying this burden as if it is yours alone.
" She covered his hand with hers. "The Fates will reveal Khiann's location when the time is right.
Until then, you need to live, Esag. Not just exist, not just work, but live.
That is what Khiann would want for you, and that is also what I want you to do. "
Her words were kind, but they scraped against the guilt Esag had been carrying for five millennia. He didn't deserve to enjoy his life, not when he'd failed so many.