Chapter 21 Esag
ESAG
The olive wood shavings had formed a small pile at Esag's feet, and the dust tickled his nostrils. He really should install a window in the closet he'd converted into his workshop so fresh air could get in, but he was in no rush to do that.
It seemed fitting to sit in a windowless room while his best friend was buried under tons of sand somewhere in the Arabian Desert, and Esag had failed to have a single vision that could direct the search. Instead, he had visions of Tula.
Not that he had a problem with her visiting him that way. He just wished it were Khiann with some useful information about his whereabouts.
Esag put his carving knife down and examined the mediocre figurine in his hand.
It wasn't even salvageable. He should just toss it into the shavings bin and start on a new piece of wood.
Better yet, he should switch to stone, but working in that medium in the tiny, windowless workshop was not really an option.
He looked at his bedroom through the open door and considered switching the spaces around. He could sleep in the closet and convert the room to a workshop.
The sound of the doorbell ringing made him jump, scattering wood shavings across his lap. His roommates weren't home, so he needed to get up and see who the visitor was.
He rose to his feet, walked to the front door, and opened it.
Wonder stood on the porch, and Esag's stomach dropped when he saw her expression.
"Wonder." He reached for her, reflexively wanting to pull her into his arms, then stopped himself, unsure if the comfort he wanted to offer would be welcome. "What happened? Did you talk with Tula?"
She nodded. "Your vision was spot on. She's pregnant."
Relief and dread warred in Esag's chest. Relief that his vision had been accurate, that he still had the gift of second sight, and dread because confirmation meant Tula was just as trapped and desperate as he'd seen in his vision.
Remembering that they were still standing at the door, he moved aside and motioned for Wonder to come in. "Why do you look so despondent? Is Annani refusing to help Tula?" He led her to the couch.
Her eyes widened. "Annani would never refuse such a request." She sat next to him. "It's just that Areana wants us to save three additional people, one of them being Tula's partner, Tony, and it doesn't seem that we can."
For some reason, the mention of Tula's partner made his stomach revolt. Why was it important to her to save the human? Did she love him?
"Who are the other two?" he asked.
"Tamira, who is an immortal and a lady of the harem, and Elias, her human partner."
"Another one?"
Wonder tilted her head. "Another who?"
"Human partner. Tula and Tamira should know better than to get attached to humans."
Wonder shrugged. "They both know the relationships were doomed from the start, but for now, it's irrelevant.
What's relevant is that if the clan refuses to save the other three, Tula will be heartbroken.
And if they agree, the added complexity might derail the mission, and I might lose my sister.
" Her eyes misted with fresh tears. "I can't lose her again. I've already lost too much."
He reached for her hand, and when she didn't pull it out of his grasp, he let out a relieved breath. There was comfort in touch, and right now, Wonder needed it.
"It's going to be okay," Esag said, because what else could he say?
Wonder turned to face him, and the hope warring with devastation in her eyes made his chest ache.
"I had another vision about her," he blurted out before he could stop himself. "About Tula. Last night."
Wonder's expression shifted away from devastation and more toward hope. "What did you see?"
"She was here. I mean, in my workshop." Esag gestured toward his bedroom. "But this time it wasn't only visual. We actually talked."
"What did she say?"
"She was angry," he said. "Which makes sense. She blamed me for hurting you—for hurting Gulan. She told me she hated me for what I did, for leading you on when I was engaged to Ashegan."
Wonder was quiet for a long moment. Then, to Esag's surprise, she laughed. "That sounds like Tula," she said. "She hated you with a passion. She used to warn me constantly not to believe anything you said, that you were just using me, and that I should stay away from you."
Esag winced. "She was smart. You should have listened to her."
"I was young." Wonder leaned back against the couch cushions, her posture relaxing.
"I fancied myself in love. Teenage infatuation combined with the thrill of defying expectations.
I was the tall girl no one wanted, and I was being pursued by one of the most sought-after bachelors.
" She smiled, but it was sad around the edges.
"It got to my head. I thought what I felt for you was the greatest love story ever told. "
Esag cringed. "I wasn't worthy."
"It wasn't your fault, well, not entirely. I made you bigger than life in my mind. It was only when I met Anandur that I realized that what I had felt for you had been just a young girl's infatuation. What I feel for Anandur is the real thing."
Her expression of love and adoration made Esag's chest tighten with envy.
"I'm glad," he said, and meant it. "I'm glad you found someone who deserves you. Who loves you the way you should be loved."
Wonder tilted her head, studying him with those perceptive green eyes like she used to do as Gulan. "So, why do you look pained?"
"My pride is a little wounded, I suppose.
No man wants to hear that he's second best." He managed a self-deprecating smile.
"But mostly I'm relieved. I've carried guilt for so long.
Guilt about you, about Ashegan, about my family, about every choice I made.
" Esag rubbed his face with both hands. "It has been crushing me throughout the millennia.
Knowing that what you felt wasn't the epic romance that I'd built it up to be in my mind makes it easier to bear. Makes it less tragic."
Wonder was quiet, letting him work through his thoughts. It was one of the things he'd always appreciated about her—her ability to give him space to feel what he needed to feel.
"I loved you," he said, the words coming easier now.
"Or I thought I did. But it was a selfish kind of love, so maybe it wasn't real at all.
" He looked up at her. "Real love is when you're willing to sacrifice everything for the other person.
When their happiness matters more than your own comfort, your own security, your own future. "
She nodded. "That's how I knew you didn't love me. You weren't willing to sacrifice anything for me. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too. Do you know this expression?"
"I do, and you are absolutely right. In my defense, it wasn't all about me.
I wasn't willing to sacrifice my sisters' futures.
They needed good marriages, and that depended on my marrying well.
I wasn't willing to face their disappointment, their anger, the shame I'd bring on the family by breaking a betrothal contract.
I chose responsibility over desire. Or at least that's what I told myself.
That I was being mature, practical, thinking of others instead of myself.
" He laughed, but there was no humor in it.
"The truth is probably somewhere in between.
I wanted you, but I wanted security more, and most of all, I wanted to make everyone happy, which I realized later was not possible. "
"You are a people pleaser, Esag, and usually that's a good thing, but sometimes it backfires." The understanding in her eyes nearly undid him. "What else did Tula tell you in the vision?"
He told her everything he remembered, and when he was done, the haunted expression had gone from her face.
"Was it true what you told her? That you were about to break the engagement?"
"I'd made up my mind. I was going to talk to my father the very day you ran off."
"I wish I'd known." Wonder's voice was soft. "It might have changed things. Or maybe not. The Fates wanted to save us both, and by making me run away, they did. I left with the caravan, and Khiann sent you to look for me. If we'd stayed behind, we would have both died with the others."
They went silent for a long moment, mourning all of those they had lost.
Wonder squeezed his hand briefly. "We were both young and stupid and made mistakes. But we survived them. Found better loves. Built better lives."
Esag managed a smile. "You certainly did. Anandur is a good man. I still have to find my truelove mate, but given my many failures, I doubt that's in the cards for me."
"I'm sure it is. You've suffered enough, Esag, and you've made many sacrifices. The Fates will reward that."
For some reason, that made him think of Tula and the anger in her eyes.
"Is there any chance you can impart all that wisdom to your sister when she gets to the village? I don't want her hating me."
Wonder nodded. "I'll try, but Tula was always stubborn, and I doubt she's changed much in five thousand years. It's just who she is."
"I remember." He sighed. "She was always so feisty, so contrary. She was impulsive and adventurous like Annani, just without the heart."
Wonder narrowed her emerald eyes at him. "Are you calling my sister heartless?"
"I wouldn't dare." He put a hand over his chest in mock horror. "Tula has a good heart, but she's judgmental and she is the queen of holding grudges."
"That she is," Wonder agreed. "When she gets to the village, I will have enough on my hands just consoling her over the loss of Tony and her other friends. After I bring her to some sort of equilibrium, I'll try to convince her to give you another chance."
"Thank you." He dipped his head. "I appreciate that."
"What else did she say? Did she give you any clues about how we should go about rescuing her?"
Esag shook his head. "She talked about regret and about disappointing people, about carrying guilt, and she was impressed by my carvings, or at least she noticed them.
I told her that I carve the people I've lost. That was my way of honoring them, trying to make amends in some way.
I told her that I keep disappointing people. "
"You do not."
"Yes, I do. Annani wanted me to find Khiann through my carvings and visions, but despite all the effort I put into carving him in every pose I remember, I've gotten no visions."
"You got a vision of Tula."
"I did, but how is that helpful?"
"Esag." Wonder waited until he looked into her eyes. "You didn't cause this situation. Navuh did. The Brotherhood did. The circumstances that led to Tula's pregnancy did. All you did was relay information. That's not something to feel guilty about."
"I know that. But I didn't provide anything useful to anyone. You had to get confirmation from Areana anyway."
"You gave us a warning, which diminished the shock. Stop borrowing guilt that isn't yours. You've carried enough of it for five lifetimes."
She was right. He knew she was right. But knowing and feeling were different things.
"What's the plan for the rescue?" Esag asked, eager to change the subject. "Annani must have some ideas."
Wonder's expression darkened again. "Annani is consulting with Kian, and he's consulting with Turner.
Did you meet Turner? He's a relatively new clan member who runs his own operation of hostage retrieval for a fee.
He's not part of the Guardian force or even the council, but Kian relies on him when a mission is complicated. "
"I've heard of him."
"Anyway, Turner is assessing what's feasible. But Kian thinks that they can only save Tula. What's even worse, she can't tell them that. They will think that she chose to end her life for real."
"Fates." Esag pressed his palms against his eyes. "That's going to destroy her."
"I know." Wonder sounded defeated.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"You've already helped. The vision gave us a warning." Wonder turned back to him. "Now we just have to trust Kian and Turner to come up with the best plan possible given the constraints."
"I hope you're right," Esag said. "I hope they figure out something brilliant and manage to save all four."
"You sound as unconvinced as I am."
"I'm not. I've lived long enough to know that hope's a fickle mistress. Sometimes the world is just cruel and takes what it wants regardless of what we need or want or pray for."
"That's dark."
"That's realistic." Esag looked at her directly. "But I'll still hope anyway. For your sake. For Tula's sake. For all of them."
"That's all any of us can do."
She rose to her feet. "Thank you for telling me about the vision, and about Tula saying that she hated you.
That actually made me feel better, weirdly enough.
She was always such a fierce little thing, protecting everyone she loved with everything she had.
I'm glad that she hasn't lost that fierceness after all the years she has spent in captivity. "