Chapter 64
Sixty-Four
CARINA
When Jasper mentioned Ryder waiting to see me, I went without hesitation. At first, I hopped up from the couch, ready to embrace him again, but then memories of how I tossed him and Xander away like they were nothing returned, and I remembered I’m not the same Carina he’s come to know.
“You don’t have to,” Mom had said.
“Yes, I do.”
I do because somewhere over the week, I came to care for him. It wasn’t random that my wolf background decided to make an appearance when it did; it was when Ryder was in danger.
“Emotions shouldn’t lead the coven.”
It’s one of Mom’s many phrases when she gets on her How-To-Be-A-High-Priestess rampages, which I’ve never understood until now. Until I’m separated by magick from the man who would do anything for me, and for whom I’d like to do the same—only now I understand it’s different.
Until I’m in control of the nagging voice in my head, the wolves may not be safe around me.
Ryder’s happiness isn’t worth their lives, especially when knowing Sloane will come for me again.
She’ll be more desperate when she does. Once Wynter is like me, all four coven heirs will be Dark, and the only thing preventing her plan from being enacted is our distance.
But when he asks me to step through to him, it’s the chance I need to walk away for good. Doing so will give us a clean break, but is there anything really clean about a damaged heart smashed beneath our feet?
I didn’t get to pay my respects to Conan and his family or thank Holly for accompanying Ryder. Didn’t say goodbye to Xander or little Claire or thank Leah for becoming somewhat of a friend to me.
But I can say goodbye to Ryder.
“I’m sorry.”
Sorry for placing myself in your path.
Sorry for being the heir Sloane needed.
Sorry for the deaths brought on by this.
Sorry for taking your mate away.
Sorry for not being strong enough to stay.
But mostly sorry for not being strong enough to be with you.
“Don’t be. I have no regrets.” He reaches, searching for permission which I give it by stepping into his arms.
He kisses me, but not on the mouth. His lips press gently into my forehead and he inhales deeply, the rumble from his chest forming a tight clench in my own. My eyes shut and for a moment, the world stops.
There is no Dark versus Light. No Sloane or Twilight Grove. No pack or coven differences.
Just us. Him and me.
I hold him as tight as possible, since this might be my final chance to do so. This morning doesn’t erase the other days we’ve spent together, the time I crumbled into smaller stones that were rolling down the mountain as I found myself falling for him.
Time passes too quickly before he lifts from my forehead and cups my cheeks.
His eyes flash a familiar silver, and I memorize them, deciding right then and there that the next time Darkness demands death, it’ll be his eyes I recall to ground me.
The way they make me feel safe and wanted, yet on fire and electrified.
They beg me to respond with my wolf side.
Like a setting sun, the silver fades into a flat black that calls to my soul on an entire other level. To the Darkness—but not in response. No, Ryder’s dark eyes quell the evil in my veins.
For a second, I question my every reason and wonder if he’s correct—wonder if the black magick was just settling within me. Maybe control is possible…with him.
His fingers sweep beneath my eyes, gathering the stray tears I’m not strong enough to conceal. Water from my eyes, tinged with salt, and without the elemental magick I pride myself on.
“From the minute we met, the mate bond may have been pushing me towards you, but I only succumbed after falling in love with you. Remember that, Carina…my n?kak?stis.” His hands lower from my face slowly, fingers caressing down my cheeks to my chin and my neck before dropping to his side.
“All I’ve done is try to ensure you weren’t bound to me unless you chose to be, but I failed.
If leaving you alone is what you want, on my heart and soul, that is what I’ll do.
But still, I beg…find your way back to me, kamahki.
And if I’m not who you want, then I can’t wait to watch you become the kickass High Priestess you’re destined to become.
You’re a survivor, Carina, and I will thank fate every day for the rest of my life for making you mine. ”
He steps away, towards the trees, and my body begs to follow.
Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this to us?
Because you’re meant for more. Slithering caresses my face, trying to erase his brand on me—but I won’t let it. His touch is more than a brand across my skin. It’s soul deep. Deep enough even Darkness can’t ravage it.
That’s why.
When tears are on the verge of spilling over for the cruelty of what my life’s become and this entire world and everything under Hecate’s rule, Ryder turns and walks away. For the second time this week, he leaves me at the barrier, wading through so many emotions.
Maybe wishing for balance isn’t the smartest thing. Maybe letting myself go completely Dark would be simpler.
To not care about anyone or anything.
Ryder included.
Mom pulls me into her arms when I re-enter the house, only her arms aren’t the ones I want. She walks me into the kitchen and conjures tea.
“He’s gone.”
She doesn’t speak for a long time, but her pleasure is apparent. She didn’t like the wolves on Treaty Day, nor when I insisted on returning with them. She mentioned earlier how Ryder came to her before searching for me, and while she respects him, she doesn’t approve.
It feels like an hour before she finally says something. Sixty long minutes of wondering if the rest of my life will pass as sluggish as this, and what she says certainly doesn’t help me. Not in the slightest.
“Did you ask what happens by turning him down?”
I sink lower in my seat, my chin barely touching the table’s surface. I didn’t, and what if it leads to pain. What if—?
“How do you feel about him?”
“Everything’s confusing.”
“That isn’t an answer.”
“I can’t hurt him.”
Yet, by walking away, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
“We’re from two different worlds. Putting aside the war, he’s Alpha and I’ll be High Priestess. I’ll be hosting the next full moon ceremony, right? That’s what you said the other week. Practice.”
“Sure, but given everything you’ve gone through, it’s normal to want a break.”
A break makes me think. A break makes me regret. The coven’s magick will heal the gaping wounds in my heart and soul.
“I’ll be fine. Connecting with Hecate and the elements will be good, don’t you think? I also think a visit to Harlow might be smart.”
Mom slides her hand across the table to push away my empty drink. “Maybe bed first. You need more sleep. We’ll figure out what to do tomorrow.”
Tomorrow seems so far away.
My gaze goes to the window across from us.
Tomorrow is another day of pain.
That night, I cry.
The knot in my stomach is so painful, I consider a pain potion.
But the pain is what I deserve, so I don’t.