Chapter 70 – Carina
Seventy
CARINA
Despite Freya’s frequent demand that Alec and Harlow not linger around Banff, they end up staying in the basement of the Sinclair house after Mom enchants it to be sunproof, allowing Harlow to participate in the upcoming full moon ceremony.
“Not sure I like this,” Alec mutters as they enter our house in the hours preceding the ceremony. “Last month didn’t go so well.”
Last month was only the day after Mom found and retrieved Harlow, and the ceremony focused on combining the coven’s energies into retrieving her memories, since her fake parents Sloane sent continued to wipe her memories of not only her birth parents, but everything they’d been subconsciously teaching her about black magick.
I skip out on the remainder of their conversation to reach the clearing in the woods where our ceremonies are held. Alone, the stuffiness of the house bothers me less.
Four walls is a lot, and I’d forgotten how much.
The town of tourists. The customers in the shop.
The coven asking about my time with the pack.
Even being home is too much. Jasper’s lingering out of Mom’s orders until she trusts him not to run off to Adalyn.
With Alec and Harlow around each night for the past couple since their arrival, she’s come to remind me of Leah, who reminds me of Ryder—and that hurts.
Every night, I go to bed staring into the forest, waiting for him to appear in my backyard, and every night I go to sleep disappointed, while reminding myself it isn’t a future that’ll come to pass because I pushed him away.
Why?
That’s been the recurring theme of my thoughts, which was only further solidified last night during the walk Harlow and I took. She made her not-so-subtle point clear.
“You know, ever since becoming a vampire, I’ve gained enhanced hearing. Every time I walk into your house, I can practically hear you moping. It’s really depressing.”
“It’s safer for us all.”
“Maybe or maybe not. When Twilight Grove returns, damn right I’m terrified Alec will be in the crossfire. But I’m terrified of not being with him more.”
Is that what I am? Terrified? Terrified of everything Ryder’s told me, asked of me, wants of me?
I’d made the point to him that he didn’t give me a choice, but even as I spoke the words, they were a lie. Most of what I said that night was a lie. All he’s ever done was try to give me choice, right up to walking away when I asked him to.
Fuck, I miss him.
As I make it to the clearing with a bag of ceremonial items, my limbs are weak—tired. Pushing through the weight on my chest, I set the candles up in a circle that canvases half the clearing for the others to stand around.
All week, I’ve obsessively prepared and reread the texts, practicing the process and incantations. I’ve done it all to keep my head so full of witchcraft that mates and shifters, wars and Seers, Dark and Light magick, has no place in there.
Too bad it hasn’t worked. The deeper into work I threw myself, the more thoughts of him would consume me.
I imagine him now, peering through the trees as I stand here surrounded by lit candles and in my cloak—the same worn to his camp that first night. Imagine him striding into the clearing—first as a wolf and then a man—before taking me in his arms and nuzzling his mark on my neck.
For the millionth time this week, I brush my fingers along it. Faded to my eyes and those of my family, but Harlow and Alec have made quite a few jokes about it.
Touching it feels like I’m touching him. Which then makes me cry because I’m not.
Because I’m an idiot.
Time passes, while I’ve been trapped inside my mental torment when the coven begins arriving in droves. Some wave, but still I remain, surrounded by candles. Fire. The elements.
A wolf howls from far away, jerking everything inside me to a halt.
“Hey.” Harlow touches my elbow, drawing me to her side but angling us away from anyone who isn’t Jasper, also approaching. “You don’t look good.”
“I’m fine.”
Both share a look that understands I’m lying.
“I’m fine,” I insist. “Nervous about leading this, that’s all. It’s my future, after all.” If I say it enough times, maybe it’ll come true.
“Carina, your misery is loud.”
“I’m fine.” I’m fine. I have to be.
When another howl sounds, this one closer, Darkness whispers in my ear for the first time all week.
For once, it’s right.
The coven waits, watching me expectantly.
Mom’s beside me to my right, Harlow on my left, and Jasper to her left.
Alec is watching within the trees like last time.
They’re awaiting the opening of the circle by calling the elements and thanking Hecate for making us who we are.
As High Priestess, I’m supposed to speak to Her.
Except…I have nothing to say. Not to Her. Not to the coven. Not even to Mom.
The only person I have something to say to isn’t here because I sent him away.
My fingers tug at the strings of my cloak, and it flutters to the ground, as dark as this whole month has been for me.
The wind blows and I inhale, preparing to run. A light, cool misting of rain caresses my face as I scan the coven, pause on Jasper who tilts his head, Harlow who grins, and finally Mom who simply takes my hand for a brief squeeze.
Then, I take off into the dark forest and go hunting.
My steps don’t slow until approaching woods that seem familiar—which is downright impossible since most trees look identical.
With the help of the road, I’m able to retrace my steps until reaching their territory, praying to Hecate—who hopefully isn’t pissed at me—to have a pack member stumble upon me.
After a few wrong turns, the cabins’ roofs materialize between the trees, and I dart towards them, only to be met with dead silence.
The caves. Ryder mentioned they’d be going soon, and given that we’re closer to October now, it only makes sense. I take off in their direction, thankful he brought me that one time.
When the large rock face appears, my body is thrilled, because leaving my cloak behind may have been a dumb move. My fingers are so cold I doubt they can bend, and my thighs beneath my dress—once again adhering to Mom’s dress code—rub icily together.
“Carina?” A female voice surfaces from the dark as Holly comes up the path holding a bundle of wood. She scans behind me before asking, “Not that I’m not thrilled to see you, but what are you doing here? Where’s Ryder?”
My heart slams into my chest. “Isn’t he here?”
“He’s been lingering around your town.” There’s no repugnance in her tone, merely a stated fact. “We don’t see him longer than a couple hours.”
No wonder Harlow said his scent was so strong in the area. He’s been hanging around while I’ve been trying—and failing—to move on. He even told me the mate bond is it for him, and I was the bitch who didn’t listen.
“I have to find him.” As I turn, she grips the back of my dress to haul me back.
“Ryder will kill me if you go out alone at this time of night. The fact you made it all the way here without him noticing surprises me. Most of the pack’s already asleep, but I’ll take you to his cave, and then I’ll find Xander, who’s on duty. He’ll bring Ryder home.”
The woods call my name, the need to go hunting for him alone growing, but I trail Holly inside.