19. Sabina
19
Sabina
If there’s one day of the year that the Russos make a point to all gather in the same room—or by the same pool—for an extended amount of time, it’s Christmas Day. Or “the feast,” as my father used to call it. It starts at noon at the big house, beginning with brunch and presents by the infinity pool, and ends with a lavish turkey dinner with all the accompaniments—gravy, stuffing, candied yams, mashed potatoes. Caramelized brussels sprouts with pancetta. Osso Buco. A whole baked Branzino. We eat until we’re stuffed. Then there’s dessert: affogato al café, cannoli and sfogliatelle—Dante’s favorites—and zabaglione—Leo’s favorite. Platters of pizzelle, biscotti, and amaretti are passed around the table, little bites of nostalgia and sweetness.
Tonight, the dinner table has been set up in the cabana draped with sheer white curtains, the fabric stirring gently in the evening breeze. Lanterns hang from the overhead beams, their warm glow casting flickering patterns across the shimmering pool nearby. At the center of the dark walnut table is a long, low arrangement of succulents and desert flowers, interspersed with tealights in delicate glass orbs. A string of tiny white lights winds through the arrangement, their twinkle adding to the festive glow.
Around the cabana, subtle touches of Christmas blend with the desert’s elegance: miniature pine trees in silver pots, garlands of greenery laced with crimson berries and golden ribbons, and a wreath adorned with succulents and tiny ornaments hanging on the main beam.
It’s the perfect Russo mix—opulent, understated, and impossible to replicate.
The infinity pool stretches out like liquid glass, its sleek edge blurring into the night. At the deep end, a waterfall cascades gently, the sound soft and soothing. At the shallow end, four submerged loungers sit like islands waiting for someone to drift away into relaxation. On one side of the pool is a line of palm trees, separated by beds of desert flowers that thrive even in the winter months.
My family sits around the table, laughing and joking, their voices rising and falling like music. My gaze moves across each of them in turn, taking in the people I’ve known all my life but who somehow still manage to surprise me.
Damian, his dark hair neatly combed but with just enough disarray to make it look unintentional. The sharp slashes of his brows shadow his dark eyes, and the three-day scruff lining his jaw is artfully maintained. Tattoos peek out from the open collar of his crisp white shirt, curling up the sides of his neck and decorating the backs of his hands. He looks every bit the brooding enforcer, but the way he glances at Alina softens his edges.
Alina, his fiancée, sits beside him, her long, pale-gold hair cascading over her shoulders like spun silk. Her blue eyes sparkle as she smiles at something Damian says. She’s dressed in an understated but elegant red dress that perfectly complements her stunning figure, all curves and legs for days. Damian leans in, murmuring something just for her, and she laughs softly, her hand brushing his.
Next to Alina is Cassio, his thick, wavy blond hair catching the warm glow of the lanterns. His light blue eyes twinkle with amusement, the natural curl at the corners of his mouth giving him an air of constant good humor. But despite his relaxed aura, the sharpness of his cheekbones and the hard line of his jaw mark him unmistakably as a Russo. He’s the family’s charmer, always ready with a joke or an easy grin, but there’s steel beneath the surface—a side of him that only comes out when it’s needed.
Across from Cassio is Dante. His light brown hair is styled neatly, and his green eyes, striking even in the dim light, hold a quiet intensity. His features are so symmetrical, so flawless, they almost seem unreal. As the others talk and laugh, Dante sits with a faint smirk, his gaze shifting between them as though cataloging every moment. He’s opted for sparkling water instead of wine. I’m glad to see it. There was a period of time after Papa’s death when he blamed himself and drank way to much in order to deaden the guilt.
Luca is next to me, tall and broad. He’s an honorary Russo, and I can’t actually remember a Christmas he didn’t spend with our family.
At the head of the table, of course, is Leo. He’s the center of gravity, the one everyone orbits around. His imposing presence is undeniable, but there’s a warmth to him tonight as he watches Nicole, seated to his right. She’s glowing, her fingers laced with his as she chats animatedly with Damian. The sparkle of her engagement ring catches the light with every gesture, a reminder of how far they’ve come as a couple—and how much she’s been through to earn her place here.
Nicole’s younger sister, Sofia is here too, her wavy dark hair worn loose around her shoulders, her full lips turned up in a smile as Luca teases her, bending his head because even seated, he towers over her.
And me? I feel like a ghost. Here, but not really. Loved, but somehow distant.
I glance down at my phone as it vibrates softly, the sound almost drowned out by the gentle cascade of the waterfall. My heart tightens as I swipe the screen, only to see a message from Nadia confirming her flight for the morning of New Year’s Eve. Relief mingles with disappointment—again.
Each time my phone buzzes, I think it might be him. And each time, it isn’t.
“Sabina,” Leo’s gruff voice cuts through my thoughts. I look up to see him standing, dessert spoon in hand, clinking it lightly against his glass. The chatter around the table quiets instantly.
“I have an announcement to make,” he says, his gaze sweeping over us.
Dante groans dramatically. “Business? Now?”
“Not business,” Leo corrects, his expression softening as he glances at Nicole. “News.”
Nicole stands, her hand still resting in Leo’s. “As you all know, we’re planning to have our wedding next summer. That’s still the plan, but there’s something else—something big—that we wanted you to know first.”
“You’re getting another cat,” Cassio teases, grinning.
“Five cats,” Dante adds, smirking. “An army of cats to rival your enemy’s.”
“An army needs a general,” Luca chimes in, his tone dry. “Better make it six.”
“All the cats, as far as the eyes can see,” Cassio says.
“That’s a lot of litter boxes,” Luca says. “I read that you’re supposed to have one for each cat plus an extra. So seven litter boxes.” He glances at Leo. “You’ll need to hire someone just to deal with all the cat shit.”
Nicole blinks. “Not a cat. Not now, anyway…” She pauses, her expression turning serious. “We’re having a baby.”
There’s silence for one…two…three seconds. Because Nicole has gone from trying to kill Leo, in the most literal sense, to carrying his baby in the span of just a few months, and everyone at this table knows it. We also know that she almost died taking a bullet for him. So, yeah, redemption and forgiveness is a thing.
Damian lets out a low whistle, and Alina’s eyes widen with delight.
“A baby?” I say, my voice filled with surprise and joy. “You’re having a baby?”
Nicole nods, her gaze flicking nervously to Leo, as if seeking reassurance. But Leo doesn’t let her face this moment alone. His hand tightens around hers, and the look he gives her is pure, unguarded love.
Tears well in my eyes as I stand, raising my glass. “I’m so fucking happy for you,” I say, my voice cracking with emotion. “Seriously. I’m going to be an aunt. This is the best day of my life.”
Nicole gives a teary laugh, and Leo pulls her into his side, pressing a kiss to her temple. Around the table, chairs scrape as everyone rises to hug Nicole, shake Leo’s hand, and share their congratulations. The warmth, the joy, is infectious.
I step back after the hugs and congratulations, taking a moment to soak in the happiness around me. For a few brief moments, the weight pressing against my chest lifts. This is what family is supposed to be—unbreakable, even in the face of everything we’ve endured.
But as the others settle back into their seats, their laughter and chatter filling the air, the weight returns. I slip away to the edge of the pool, cup of coffee in hand, and sit down on one of the loungers.
The shimmering water reflects the lantern light, and I let myself get lost in its gentle ripples. A few moments later, Alina joins me, her smile as radiant as ever.
“Wonderful news, isn’t it?” she says, sitting beside me.
I nod, managing a small smile. “The best present I could have gotten this year.” Almost. Only one gift would be better: Nikolai, here with me. But even that thought is layered with complications, like a gift wrapped in razor wire.
Alina studies me, her smile fading as she takes a sip from her coffee. “You okay?”
“Of course,” I say too quickly, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You haven’t seemed yourself today,” she says, her tone gentle but probing. “It’s okay to not be okay, you know. Damian didn’t tell me much, but I know you’ve been through a lot recently. And breaking off your engagement with Roberto, on top of everything else? That’s no small thing.”
I let out a soft laugh, shaking my head. “Roberto is the least of my concerns.”
Her brows lift slightly, but she doesn’t push. Instead, she leans back, her gaze drifting to the pool. The flickering lanterns cast golden shadows across the water, making everything feel surreal, like we’re sitting in a dream.
“You know,” she says after a moment, her voice quiet, “I get it. Loving someone in this world is…complicated. Messy. Terrifying, even. But it’s also worth it.”
My chest tightens at her words. I don’t ask her how she knows… what she knows. That would be an admission that I love someone in this world, and I definitely am not about to admit anything of the sort. Not to her. Not to myself.
There’s a difference between lust and love.
Instead, I ask, “How do you do it? How do you handle the fear that every time Damian leaves, it could be the last time you see him?”
Alina turns her head to look at me, her blue eyes soft but unwavering. “I don’t handle it,” she says simply. “Not the way you’re thinking. I just accept it. Life isn’t safe, Sabina. It’s never going to be. I lost my parents to something as mundane as a drunk driver, and they weren’t involved in anything dangerous. It taught me that you can’t protect yourself from everything, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is decide what’s worth the risk.”
I swallow hard, her words hitting deeper than I’d like to admit. “And Damian’s worth it?”
A soft smile touches her lips, and her gaze shifts back to the pool. “He’s worth everything. I don’t know if we’ll have fifty years together or five, but I know we have today. And I refuse to waste it.”
Her words settle over me like a blanket—warm, comforting, but heavy with implication. I glance down at my coffee, watching the steam curl into the cool night air.
“I don’t know if I’m brave enough to think like that,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper.
“You’re braver than you think,” Alina says, her tone gentle but firm. “You just need to let yourself believe it.”
We sit in silence for a moment, the sounds of laughter and conversation drifting over from the table.
Alina glances toward the men and grimaces. “They’ve just sparked up a bunch of cigars to celebrate the new daddy to be. I hate the smell of cigar smoke so much, don’t you?”
“My father always smoked a cigar after Christmas dinner,” I say, smiling at the memory. “I associate the smell with that, so it’s something I strangely appreciate.”
“That makes one of us.”
I watch as Damian joins the others, a cigar in hand, his gaze never straying far from Alina. It’s obvious, even from here, how much he adores her. It’s the kind of love that’s palpable, unshakable.
I envy it.
“Is this about Roberto?” Alina asks, breaking the silence. Her tone is casual, but her gaze is sharp.
I glance at her, frowning in confusion for a moment before remembering who she’s talking about. Right. Roberto. My ex-fiancé. The man I should have been thinking about, but never really was.
“Definitely not,” I say, my voice flat.
Alina doesn’t press, but the look she gives me speaks volumes. “Follow your heart, Sabina. Wherever it leads.”
I shake my head, letting out a soft laugh. “Cliché as fuck.”
“Maybe,” she admits, her smile widening. “But it works.”
Her words linger long after she leaves me alone by the pool. Follow your heart . Ignore the endless reasons why it’s a bad idea. Stop fighting against what you know you want.
I lift my gaze to the sky, the stars faint against the glow of the city lights. I wonder where Nikolai is tonight, who he is celebrating the season with. Despite his gifts, the distance between us feels insurmountable, like a chasm I’ll never be able to cross.
I press a hand to my chest, as if I can physically hold the pieces of my heart together. His absence is a weight I can’t shake, a constant ache I can’t soothe. Every moment without him feels like an eternity.
And yet, I’m pretty sure I know why he’s gone, why he’s staying away. Because he doesn’t want to draw his father’s attention to me.
I close my eyes, the sound of the waterfall blending with the laughter of my family. For a moment, I let myself imagine him here with me, his hand brushing against mine, his voice low and rough as he murmurs something meant just for me.
But when I open my eyes, it’s just me and the pool and the stars, and the creeping loneliness I feel even surrounded by people I love.
Besides, if he were here, one of my brothers might shoot him.