Chapter 30
THIRTY
JESSICA
Love sucks.
It isn’t gentle or kind. Some days, it’s blood under fingernails and bruises hidden beneath long sleeves. Other days, it’s quieter… empty rooms, unanswered texts, the aching realization of wanting someone so badly you let them ruin you just to feel their hands on you one last time.
Since I walked away from Kane, I have lost track of how many times I nearly gave in to the urge to reach out as I spent late nights in bed stalking his social media.
I’m a hot mess, and it’s not even cute. Most women, after a breakup, get a glow-up to get back at their exes—hours at the gym, new clothes, weekend trips with friends.
I just want to eat my weight in ice cream and throw insults at Lucas in One Tree Hill.
What do you mean he slept with Peyton while he was with Brooke?
But my friends won’t let me.
Rain arches a brow, hands on her hips. “So this is why Kroger has run out of Rocky Road?”
She’s looking her usual bombshell self in a leopard print tank top and leather shorts, paired with thigh-high boots.
Spoon in mouth, I look down at the half-empty tub in my lap. I was halfway through this episode when Rain, Summer, and Ava burst into my messy bedroom like a tornado of energy and perfume. “They’ve run out?”
That sucks. There’s only one tub of ice cream left in the freezer, chocolate flavor, and I’ve already had to protect it with my life because I live with vultures who won't hesitate to steal a lovesick girl’s sustenance.
This ice cream is the only thing that brings me joy. Don’t take that away from me.
Ava opens the curtains, and I hiss, pulling the blanket over my head before I can be set on fire in front of their eyes, like a risen vampire.
“This has gone on for too long.” Rain pulls the quilt off and throws it aside. “When was the last time you had a shower?”
Summer holds up a dirty sock with a look of disgust. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to. She’s barely left her room for days.”
Rain’s attention shifts to the screen in my lap. “One Tree Hill? Didn’t you watch that show last year?”
“Yeah, but—”
“And the year before that?”
“God forbid I have a comfort show.”
“It’s nine seasons.”
“What’s your point?”
She gives me a look while Ava opens the window to let in fresh air.
Most likely, my room smells of dirty laundry and the tomato soup I had earlier in the week.
The bowl is still on my desk among the rest of the clutter: hair ties, tangled charger cords, uncapped pens and dried-out highlighters.
I was going to take it to the kitchen. Promise. I just…forgot.
“Come on, bitch. Time for a shower.” Rain takes my ice cream, hands it to Summer, then drags me up by the arm, and I let her, though very reluctantly. Groaning like a dying animal. Okay, fine. I guess I’ll shower away my misery.
An hour later, we’re all crammed on the bed with takeaway boxes on our laps, complaining about boys and how much we want to boycott them. Well, I am, anyway.
My friends are digging into their food while occasionally making agreeable sounds at the right moments. That’s what friendship is all about, I guess… being there for each other, even when one of us is a miserable bitch.
Especially then.
“Why do we need cock?” I ask.
“Correction,” Ava holds up a finger. “We don’t need cock. We like cock.”
“Speak for yourself,” Rain mutters around a mouthful of salty fries. “I need cock. It regulates me. Without a good dicking, I turn into a raging bitch.”
“But that’s beside the point,” I whine. “Why did the universe punish me like this? I should have been into women.”
Rain dips a fry in the ketchup. “Sure. You’d have a U-Haul booked by morning.”
I silence her with a finger on her lips. “Shh. Be gone, devil.”
She nips my finger, and we smile.
I’ve missed my friends and moments like these when I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I slump back against the wall, done with my food, even though I didn’t have an appetite to begin with, not after eating a tub of rocky road. “I’m in love with him.”
Rain sighs as she sets her plate down and pulls me into her. “We know, and it sucks, and it will suck for a long time.”
Sniffling, I wipe my nose with my pajama sleeve, wishing she was wrong, that it didn’t have to hurt. That I didn’t have to crave him like this. But he’s like a drug, and my body wants its next hit. It doesn’t care that he slept with someone else and lied about it.
I lift my head from Rain’s shoulder to see Ava picking the pepperonis off her pizza, the best part. She spots me looking and carefully puts her slice down like we might not see her if she moves really, super slowly.
“Have you talked to him lately?” I ask, wiping my cheeks with my sleeve. “Maybe you’ve seen him around?”
She looks from me to Rain and back again. “He was at a party over the weekend.”
Oh.
A party?
Guess we’re handling it completely different. I’m clearing the supermarket shelves of Rocky Road while he’s out having fun.
“But it wasn’t like that,” she hurries to add when she sees my downcast expression.
I flop back again.
“So that’s it? He’s moving on.”
“He looked miserable,” she says, reaching for my hand.
I mutter, “Miserable enough to party.”
Yeah, I sound bitter. So what?
Sighing brokenly, I look up at the ceiling, wondering why it bothers me that he’s moving on. We’re not getting back together, and Kane is free to do what he wants with whomever he wants. I walked away. I left him.
But it still feels like rejection. Like the senator’s wife all over again.
That vile bitch and her cruel smile.
“He came by here the day I ran out,” I murmur.
The others stay silent, letting me get the pain off my chest.
I keep going. “I hid in my room. I couldn’t face him.”
Summer rubs my arm in silent support, her eyes glassy with unshed tears, and I try a wobbly smile in thanks, grateful they’re all here.
“I could hear him shout my name.” My choked voice is barely above a whisper. “I almost gave in, but I knew Chris wouldn’t let me see him. You should have seen him when I came home crying earlier that day. He was furious.”
“That’s not hard to imagine.” Rain laughs low. “That boy has a temper, and he’s very protective of his family.”
A weak smile. “Kane cheated. He slept with that woman.”
Ava looks at me with so much pity that my throat tightens.
They all do. I wish she would tell me it isn’t true, that he didn’t touch anyone else, that this is all a misunderstanding.
Instead, she reaches for my hand, and Rain pulls me in for a hug, her familiar perfume surrounding me as Summer rubs my arm.
“We’re here for you,” Rain whispers when my shoulders begin to shake, silent tears trekking down my cheeks. “We’re not going anywhere.”
Ava squeezes my hand. “Bitches before hoes.”
We pause.
A second passes.
Then we all look at her, and the room explodes with laughter.
“Never use those words again,” Rain says as she throws a chip at Ava
“Why not? It’s true, isn’t it?”
I try to keep a straight face. I really do. But the second I look at her again, I lose it, laughing so hard that Rain and I collapse in a heap of limbs, dragging Summer down with us.
Someone’s elbow digs into my ribs, Rain’s hair is in my mouth, and I’m wheezing so hard tears blur my vision. It’s a fucking mess. A beautiful, crazy, healing mess.
And the worst part is Ava still looks completely serious, which only makes it funnier. That sends me spiraling all over again.