Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
KANE
Ishouldn’t have access to my cell phone when I’m this drunk. Nothing good will come from it.
I still message Jessica every day without fail, mostly being a soppy fuck. But sometimes, especially after a drink or two, I get angry and upset with her for not letting me explain. I’d do anything to get her to talk to me.
The last message I sent was short and to the point.
I miss you.
That was last night. I was sitting by the lake, having driven there in the middle of the night because sleep eluded me. That’s been a recurring issue lately, this inability to sleep without her.
And then I got up this morning, my head pounding, and I sat on the edge of the bed, popping an Advil and staring at my latest message.
I miss you.
That’s when I realized I can’t fucking do this anymore.
I’m done.
Jessica won’t hear me out or let me find closure either. She’s never going to give me a second chance, and that’s a sobering thought, which I’m currently drowning in a bottle of vodka while a car rolls through the crowd, engine revving in violent bursts.
But here’s the catch…
I don’t want to be without her. So what do I do?
She was a taste of oxygen, and I’ve been slowly suffocating ever since she cut me out. I mean, just look at me… She fucked me up.
Taking another huge mouthful of straight Vodka, I swallow it without really feeling the burn. As long as it dulls the longing, I’ll keep doing it. Doesn’t matter what it is: alcohol, drugs, speed.
“Maybe you should slow down,” Noah says, but he doesn’t take the bottle from me, and I barely glance at him as I drink the last of it in one gulp.
The world is hazy at the edges, and if I focus on one spot too long, it starts to tilt sideways.
It makes me wonder if there’s some truth to the flat earth theory after all, because it sure feels like my feet are on a flat disk that’s about to flip.
“Why don’t you sit down?” he suggests, pressing on my shoulder until I park my backside on the shiny hood.
My answering grin is lazy as he peels the empty bottle from my hand and scans the area for the others.
“Cash,” he shouts, and then my brother is there, cursing quietly under his breath when he sees the sorry state of me.
“Good to see you, man,” I say, tipping sideways.
Cash grabs me and props me up. “How much have you had to drink? I thought you said you weren’t coming out tonight.”
Changed my mind. It was too fucking quiet at home, and my thoughts were too loud.
I push him away, slurring, “I’m fine.”
“Clearly,” he comments drily, then catches me as the disk we’re on flips again. The world starts to tilt, and I laugh, finding this shit funny as hell.
At least alcohol makes it hurt less.
“Jesus,” he mutters, steadying me. “Listen to me, Kane. I’ve got a race coming up. I want you to stay here, okay? Don’t go anywhere.”
I pretend to salute him, and he shakes his head disapprovingly before asking Noah to keep an eye on me. I believe his exact words are: Don’t let him do anything stupid.
Maverick is somewhere around here. The last time I saw him, he was by his car, talking on the phone, while a girl was pawing at him.
Speaking of girls, there’s one running her hands up my arms now. Where the hell did she come from? I try to recognize her, squinting and wondering where I’ve seen her before. She looks familiar.
“You seem like you could use a little fun,” she suggests as she runs her hands over my shoulders and down my chest.
I grab her wrists. “You’re wasting your time.”
Understatement of the century. There’s only one girl for me, and this Heights socialite, with her big, catlike eyes and skimpy clothes, isn’t her.
She’s undeterred. “My friend, Myla, is here too. She’s beautiful, with black hair. You’ll like her, and you can have us both if you want.”
She has me confused with Cash. He’s the one who enjoys watching women play. The offer doesn’t even tempt me.
“Not interested.” I shove her away, more roughly than I intended.
Noah catches her before she falls and smooths everything out with his panty-melting smile, then sends her on her way.
I scoff, and he glares at me. “You need to get your shit together,” he warns.
“You can’t let a girl fuck you up like this.
It’s not that hard to get over her. Look around you, bro.
You can wet your dick in literally any pussy here. Take your pick.”
No, thanks.
Pushing up from the hood and straightening to my full height, I drift past, giving him a clap on the shoulder. “I’ll fuck one of the women here when you rail one of them.”
He narrows his eyes. That’s right. I know about his affair with a certain little purple-haired, leggy firecracker from the Falls. He can pretend it’s just sex all he wants, but he’d sacrifice a ball before he ever touches anyone here.
I throw my hands out. “Go ahead and lecture me all you want. You’re just as fucked as I am.”
With that, I spin around and push my way through the thick crowds.
I’m drunk, unsteady on my feet. And I shouldn’t be here.
A better way to spend my night would be with Jessica, between her smooth thighs, licking and kissing and fucking her...
or even just holding her if that’s what she wants.
As long as I’m with her, I don’t care what we do.
We could play a game like Yahtzee if that’s what she wants, and I’d be perfectly happy.
But instead, I almost get run over by a car on its way to the starting line.
And not just any car.
Chris’s Chevrolet Camaro.
Slamming the brake, he throws open the door and storms over, pushing me back a step. I stumble into a group of girls on the sidelines. That’s what I get for drinking Vodka like it’s soda.
Chris fists my shirt. “What the fuck are you doing?”
That’s a good question.
“How’s Jessica?” I ask, sounding as desperate as I feel.
A vein throbs in his temple. “You’re a fucking mess,” he snaps, releasing me.
As if that’s a surprise. Ding, ding, ding! Chris wins a prize.
A commotion erupts behind me as Noah catches up and grabs my arm. I shrug him off, and he tries again, muttering that I’m making a fool of myself.
I ignore him. “How’s Jessica?”
Chris scrutinizes me, his face unreadable. I already know he thinks I’m not good enough. And he’s right.
Maybe that’s why I decide to piss him off. The guy can’t back down from a challenge.
That’s why I throw it out there. “Let’s race.”
Chris looks at me for a moment, as if I just said something ridiculous. Then he laughs, but it dies just as fast when he realizes I’m serious.
“You’re wasted,” he points out.
“Wasted or not, I could still beat you in a race.”
He scoffs, but I won’t let him dismiss me that easily. Just don’t ask me what I’m trying to prove. I’m in no shape to race.
“What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?” Noah whisper-hisses, like a fucking gnat in my ear I can’t shake off.
The crowd cheers in the distance as Cash crosses the finish line, and I know I’m running out of time before he catches on to what I’m doing and tries to talk me out of it.
Noah is already trying to get me to see reason, but he’s not nearly as pushy as my brother, who’ll drag me out of here and put me in a fucking time-out like I’m five.
Here’s the thing: I don’t want to do the right thing…
the safe thing. If anything, I want to let the hurt spread through these waters like black ink and infect everything around us. I want Chris’s attention.
He crosses his arms over his chest. “What are the stakes?”
“You let me talk to her.”
“She wants nothing to do with you.”
Cold. He said it with zero emotion.
“Let me prove to you that I love her.”
He nudges his chin past the crowd toward where two cars are lined up. “You think you can prove it out there? Newsflash, beating me in a race won’t change anything, and I’m not giving you access to her either way. She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
So that’s it then. It’s really over.
“I love her.”
Could I sound any more broken?
He shrugs. “It’s not good enough.”
No, it’s not… is it? So what now? I’m out of moves, and I’ve got nothing left.
My brother arrives to drag me away with Noah’s help. I don’t resist this time as they pull me away from curious eyes and phone cameras.
Gossip spreads like wildfire in Bleakmoor, and I can already see Father losing his temper when he finds out about this tomorrow.
Damage control has never been high on his agenda of possible ways to start his day, and even though he can’t retaliate like he used to, he can still lecture me until he’s blue in the face.
And with a future hangover from hell, it’s not a conversation I’m looking forward to.
Which is why I should sort myself out and stop digging this pit deeper.
The crowd parts to let us through, and Cash grumbles all the way to our cars, but then he stops and faces me. “What the fuck were you thinking?” He looks at me like I’m a problem he’s tired of cleaning up, and maybe I am, but I’m also too buzzed to care as much as I probably should.
Before I can get a word in, he keeps talking. “But that’s the problem, Kane. You weren’t. You never think.”
I feel like a scolded five-year-old, and maybe I deserve it, but I’m not in the mood to be managed.
“I’m not thinking, okay?” I snap, and he falls fucking silent for once.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore.
All I know is that I love a woman who won’t even fucking talk to me.
And all this time… all this fucking time I’ve tried to be good to her.
I only ever wanted her to be happy, but it’s not good enough.
I’m not good enough.” My throat works around words I can’t bring myself to say, and I keep my eyes on the ground as I speak the next part.
“At some point, you have to admit defeat and give up.”
“What are you talking about?” he asks as I get into the car and start the engine. When he puts his hand on my open window, I pause.
It’s easy. Things that are meant for us will happen naturally without constantly having to fight for scraps.
Cash looks worried. “Kane what are you doing? You’re intoxicated.”
I stroke my hands over the wheel.
One last ride, baby.
“Kane?”
I put it in drive. “I know what I have to do now.”
Cash struggles to keep up with the car as I press down on the gas. “What the hell does that mean? Kane?”
“It means that I’m letting her go.”
Chris’s car slides into position up ahead. When I arrived earlier, I paid to replace the original driver because I knew Chris would be here. I wanted to race him.
Realization hits, and Cash smacks my roof, running to catch up. “Stop the car, Kane. Just stop the fucking car. Don’t do this.”
I accelerate, losing him in the rearview mirror, his eyes wide with worry. By the time he reaches the starting line, the race will already be over, and I will have already made my point.
Lining up beside Chris, I watch him roll down his window as a woman in a tiny crop top and faded denim skirt wiggles out of her panties. I’m the last person he expects to see here.
He was right earlier. I’m wasted. I’m a fucking mess. And I’ve got nothing left to lose.
He taps his phone, and mine starts ringing, his name flashing across the screen. Jessica gave me his number one night when I asked, just in case. But this is the first time I’ve seen it light up. I should probably feel flattered that he has my number too.
I hit answer.
“What the fuck are you doing, Ravencourt? Do you have a death wish?”
I turn my head to look at him as the girl raises her hand into the air, a skimpy leopard-print thong dangling from one finger.
I rev the growling engine, my lips tipping to the side. “Let’s race, Chris.”
His jaw goes tight. Even from here, I see it.
“You’re fucking insane.”
I just smile. Love fucks you up like that.
The lace slips from her fingers, and the second it hits the cracked asphalt, I floor it.