Chapter 37
THIRTY-SEVEN
JESSICA
Hot tears trail tracks down my cheeks.
My feet pound the narrow trail near the cliff’s edge as I try to outrun this insistent heartache.
Waves crash against the cliff edge, but I can’t hear the sound of them above Not Easy by X Ambassadors, Elle King, and Whiz Kalifa playing through my earbuds.
“Hey,” I say from the doorway.
Kane’s eyes find mine, crinkling at the corners, and my heart beats harder as I close the door.
“Hey, beautiful,” he rasps, smiling softly. I try not to notice the heart rate monitor or the IV drip as I cross to the chair by his side. But it’s impossible not to.
As I sink down into the seat, my gaze lands on his hand—his usually strong, veined hand—where the IV needle rests beneath the skin.
“How are you?” he asks, and I lift my gaze, fighting the surge of emotion that overwhelms me all at once.
Truth is, this hits too close to home.
Everyone around me ends up in this miserable place, between these four walls, where only misery and heartbreak await.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I find my voice. “Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you that?”
Kane studies my face as if he’s afraid I might disappear, and I try not to cry. Hell, I try so hard. But he blurs before me anyway as the tears spill over. “Why?” I breathe out, suddenly bone-tired. “Why Kane? Why would you do that?”
His throat jumps as he watches me fall apart, regret evident on his face. He reaches for my hand, stroking his thumb over the back of mine, but I pull away, wiping my cheeks. I can’t let him touch me. My heart is too tender and bruised. But beneath the relief lies anger.
He knows what I’m going through with my mom. He knows I can’t afford to lose him as well. So why would he do that to the people who love him?
Why?
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, his voice hoarse with remorse.
“Why did you do it?”
Kane remains quiet for a moment, watching me, then says, “I lost you.”
The cold sea breeze whips my hair around my face, and I push myself harder, running faster than I ever have. My legs burn, and I veer off the trail, dangerously close to the edge, flirting with danger. Would it be the worst thing if the cliff gave way beneath my weight and I fell into the sea?
“You did lose me,” I whisper as the heart rate monitor transports me to a different room, not too dissimilar from this one.
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
Is that why you drove your car into a train?
I bite my tongue and push the hurt way down deep. This isn’t about me. “I know,” I say instead, wiping away a tear from the corner of my eye. “I know you didn’t.”
Heart pounding, I push even harder as the wind whips me, salty sea fret dampening my hair.
I wanted to throw myself into his arms that day. To tell him I love him, that I forgive him, that we can forget the past and move on.
It would have been so easy to give in to what I was feeling. But I knew, as I finally let him take my hand and stroke his thumb over the back of mine, that it wasn’t the right time for us.
Our stars aren’t aligned.
“I’ve still lost you, haven’t I?” he asks as I kiss his hand.
I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat, and his jaw tightens as he tries to hold himself together.
I finally lower his hand, not yet willing to meet his eyes as I break his heart, but I force myself to look up.
I wish I didn’t have to do this, but we can’t be together, not in these circumstances.
I try to smile, but it’s wobbly. “Who are we fooling?”
He shakes his head as he speaks. “Don’t… don’t do this.”
Fire spreads behind my ribs. The cold air knifes down my throat as the trail on my left stretches ahead.
These cliffs lead all the way to the Heights.
I could keep running, and I’d soon end up in Kane’s backyard.
That thought alone makes me spin around and head back the way I came. I can’t face him yet.
“I just…” I inhale a shaky breath and press my fingers to my lash line to hold back the tears. I’m a mess. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be, Kane.”
He’s still shaking his head, though not as vigorously as before. He already knows I’ve made up my mind, and nothing he says will change it.
But he interlaces his fingers with mine anyway, holding on like he wants to communicate his emotions through touch alone. “I love you.”
“I know.” My chest burns, but not from running away from my emotions on some trail.
No, for once, I’m facing my feelings straight on.
For once, I’m finally brave, and being brave means I have to face myself as well.
I can’t run to Kane every time I want to escape reality.
I don’t want him to be a salve on a bruise.
I want to love him when I am healed. I want to be what he deserves.
And right now, as much as it pains me to admit, I am not good for anyone.
My life is falling apart. I am barely holding myself together.
“It’s not forever,” I say, trailing my fingers over his, remembering the nights he stroked his touch over every inch of my skin.
My legs finally give out beneath me, and I collapse to the ground before rolling over and gazing up at the clouds overhead. X ambassador sings about how hard it is to break someone’s heart.
He’s not wrong. Being truthful with Kane is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
A lot of the time, I think we hide from the world. But not just the world.
Ourselves, too.
But I don’t want to hide anymore.
I want to live.
Yes, I’m going to live.
“I’m a mess,” I go on as he looks up at the ceiling. “I want to be with you. I want it more than anything.”
My chest feels too full and empty at the same time. I’d do anything not to hurt him, but I can’t be what he needs.
Not right now.
“Do you remember the first time we met?”
His throat sinks on a swallow as he gazes up at an invisible spot.
I continue, “I’m so glad I broke into your father’s office that day. I’ve loved every single minute I’ve spent with you. I need you to know that. You’ve made me feel so alive, Kane, but we were naive, and if you search inside yourself for the truth, you know it, too.”
He finally rolls his head and looks at me, eyes weary and shiny with a grief he can’t hide. “I’ve told you before. I’m not afraid of a little mess.”
My throat and chest still burn when I finally get to my feet. I try to run the rest of the way home, but my pace is slow as the sun sinks lower in the sky and its orange glow glitters on the sea.
“I need to be alone for a while,” I admit, as I look down at his hand in mine.
My admission weighs heavy in the silence, and Kane wipes his arm across his eyes, his chest rising and falling with a pained breath.
“Maybe…” I say after a beat, my voice quiet and fragile. “Maybe we’ll find each other again somewhere down the road.”
I look at him, but he’s already watching me, his expression unreadable but intense nonetheless. “I just need some time, is all,” I go on, desperate now.
“I get it,” he rasps.
A sob escapes, and I hide my face in my hands, wishing I could be stronger.
I’m not doing this because I don’t want to be with him.
I do… but not like this, not when I can’t give him all of me.
I just need a little time to focus on Mom and my family, and most importantly, on myself and my own grief.
But that's not all.
Kane doesn’t know it yet, but his mom needs him now more than ever. He pulls my hand, guiding me onto the bed and covering us with the blanket. I snuggle close, even though I should leave before he can talk me into staying.
But I can’t bring myself to get up and leave now, not when he’s holding me close, even though he’s in pain, and pushes his nose into my hair.
“Your family needs you,” he says quietly.
My heart clenches. “And yours needs you.”
Especially your mom.
His hot breath heats my scalp as he speaks. “I’ll wait for you at the fork in the road.”
“You could wait a long time.”
“I’ll wait forever.”