Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
JESSICA
What are you doing? Summer had asked me.
I lie awake thinking about that while she sleeps peacefully next to me, her breaths steady and even. I can’t drift off to sleep, not while I keep questioning everything, but it’s hard to admit that maybe she’s right. Maybe I am my own worst enemy.
I can’t even remember now why I left Kane in the hospital, but so much has happened between us, and I got scared.
Scared because he could have died and I might have lost him.
Scared because he wants all of me when I only have so much to give.
Scared because it hit me that I’m not the only one struggling. He has his own healing to do, and we can’t both heal and carve scars on each other’s souls.
Not at the same time.
So I keep telling myself that we should wait until we’re in a better place, but what if there’s never a right time? What if life passes us by while we wait to feel like we’ve moored? And what if that day never comes?
My phone vibrates beside me, and I reach for it, careful to keep the sleeping bag from rustling.
It’s Kane. Why is he calling so late? It’s past midnight.
My heart quickens, and I quickly crawl out of our fort, exiting the room and closing the door carefully.
“Hey,” he says as I walk farther down the hallway with the phone pressed to my ear.
My heart is doing weird shit, which I’m not ready to analyze just yet.
All I know is that the uneasy feeling that kept me awake eases at the sound of his voice, which is rough and a little gravely, just like it used to be first thing in the morning.
“Hey,” I reply, leaning against the nearest wall as a smile pulls at my mouth and a swarm of wings beats behind my ribs.
“I wanted to hear your voice,” he says softly.
“You did?”
Okay, I can’t hold back my smile. It’s a lost cause, and I lean my head back against the wall, surrendering to it.
“Yeah. I miss you.” He sounds sleepy, and I realize it’s one of my favorite sounds.
“I miss you too,” I admit.
“Fuck, you don’t know how much I needed to hear you say that.”
A video call request pops up on the screen, and I accept it while quickly finger-combing my hair. I look like shit, but he’s seen me worse than this.
Kane smiles, shirtless in bed, with tousled dark hair, a sleepy smile, and his arm behind his back. “Hey, beautiful,” he says. His gentle smile makes me melt, and I feel a blush heat my cheeks and chest.
“Where are you?”
I turn the camera around so he can see the hallway, then pan it back to my face. “Sleepover with Summer and Mom.” I bite my lip, scuffing the ground. “The doctor says it could be any day now.”
“I’m sorry.”
He sounds so genuine that my nose starts to prick, and I twitch it, trying to make the feeling go away. “How’s your mom?” I ask, not wanting to be the center of this conversation.
His smile dims. “I went to see her today. She’s on a lot of medication, but she seemed to be doing better.
” He rubs his face quickly and then puts his arm back behind his head and looks at me for a long minute, his eyes tracing over my face.
“She smiled again,” he says. “I felt like I was on the moon.”
I light up. “That’s great. I’m so happy for you, Kane.”
He deserves the best. I’ve seen firsthand how close he is to his mom.
He continues in that sleep-rough voice, “And now I’m talking to you. So I’d say it’s been a damn perfect day.”
He can’t say sweet things like that and expect me not to fold. If my sister is right and I’ve built walls to keep good things out, then Kane is tearing them down without any effort.
Which is what he’s done from the beginning.
Bulldozed his way into my heart.
“How are you?” I ask, changing the subject. “After everything...”
“I’m doing okay. I’ve got another scar to add to the one you gave me when you stabbed me with the letter opener. You have a hell of a way of leaving your mark, little thief.”
My lips reluctantly pull into a small smile. “You can’t say stuff like that, Kane. It’s too soon to joke about.”
He just shrugs, grinning. “I’m insanely in love with you. I don’t want to live in a world without you.”
“But what if we don’t get back together again?”
“We will.”
Oh, now he’s cocky. Kane must be feeling better. I laugh, and he winks before tilting his head slightly. “I’m gonna win you back. Just you wait and see,” he says, serious now. “And I won’t ever fuck up again.”
He can’t make promises like that. Hope terrifies me.
I glance behind me, but there’s no one here. Kane’s voice pulls my focus back as he says, “All that shit with the senator and his wife, it’s over. I’ve handled it.”
I feel myself wanting to soften, but fear clutches at my pounding heart. The last time I ignored that feeling, it cost me everything, as Beverly delivered the harsh truth with a look of fake sympathy.
“I can’t go through that again,” I reply, barely able to find my voice. “It was humiliating, Kane. You were supposed to be mine.”
He sits up. “I am yours! I’ve only ever been yours.”
“And yet she got to have you while I was alone and waiting for you to call.”
Dammit. I don’t want to bring this up again, just like I don’t want to think about why my mom stayed with Dad. We can’t change the past.
Still, this emotion is raw and destructive, and it wants to rip and claw into things.
I take a deep breath, pinch the bridge of my nose, and finally look at him when he says my name.
“I won’t fuck up again.”
I press my lips together when I feel them start to tremble. “Kane, you didn’t fuck up. What happened to you isn’t your fault.” It hurts me to say this because, as ugly as it is to admit, part of me still wants to hold onto the hurt because I believe it protects us.
And it’s easier.
It’s easier to hold onto pain than to let go.
It’s easier to grasp than to release.
And it’s easier to hold onto pain than to forgive.
“No, it wasn’t,” he says, clenching his jaw.
“But I didn’t put a stop to it either until it was already too late.
I could have taken action much sooner, but I was in a fucked up place and stuck in a world that plays puppets and puppeteers.
It wasn’t until I fell in love with you that I saw a way out. ”
He shakes his head, his face collapsing into a look of broken defeat.
“That’s not entirely the truth either. I didn’t try to find a way out before.
Did I like what was happening? No. It sickened me.
I never wanted to be my father’s damn puppet, but we’ve been through shit like that for as long as I can remember.
The only difference is that I’d never had a reason to care before.
I was… numb. I did what I was told and I dealt with it.
But then you came along and fucked up my world in the best way possible.
” He lifts his gaze to the screen and swallows. “I suddenly had something to lose.”
“Kane—”
He cuts me off. “Then the worst thing happened, and I lost you, and I spiraled. I’m not suicidal, Jessica. I just didn’t see a fucking way out. I was drunk and miserable, and I… Fuck.” He fists his hair. “I will win you back. We’re meant to be together.”
“Kane…”
“I’m waiting for you. I’ll always wait for you.”
I don’t know what scares me more: that he’s willing to wait, or that some hopeful part of me wants to let him. I almost tell him what I’ve been convincing myself.
That love isn’t enough.
But the words get caught in my throat, because deep down, I know it is.
Love always endures.