Chapter 41
FORTY-ONE
JESSICA
Rain pulls up to the towering gates, where a security guard steps out of the booth.
“I should have snuck in,” I grumble while she types out a quick message. “The guard is never going to let us in.”
Rain puts her phone down. “Oh, but he will,” she says, sounding sly as she winks at me.
The man raps his knuckles on the window, and Rain rolls it down, which takes forever since her car predates the Big Bang and has an old-fashioned rotary handle.
“We’re here for the party,” she says in a sultry voice, and I have to fight a smile. Rain could seduce her way into any man’s pants if she wanted to. Everywhere she goes, men fall over themselves to be helpful.
The guard, a strawberry-blonde man in his early thirties, shines his bright flashlight in our faces and then clears his throat when he realizes he’s staring at Rain’s breasts.
The black floral lace top she has on leaves very little to the imagination, especially since she has forgone a bra and covered her nipples with black body tape in the shape of X’s.
Her style is bold, but she has a body to die for, and he thinks so too, judging by his wandering eyes.
“Your walkie-talkie,” she points out when a voice crackles through it. The guard drags his gaze away from her breasts and takes a few steps back, speaking low into the walkie-talkie. He glances over his shoulder at us, mutters something else, then shoves it back into the radio holster on his belt.
When he returns, he’s all business, avoiding eye contact with us. “You can go through,” he says before heading back to his booth to open the gates.
As we drive by, Rain does a teasing wave of her fingers and blows him a kiss. “Men are too easy.”
“Who did you text?” I ask, amused, even though I’m not sure I want to know. Rain has no qualms about playing dirty if she needs to. It’s all a game to her.
And sometimes I wish I were more like my friend.
“I pulled a few strings,” she says cryptically.
Pulled a few strings? I rack my brain until I remember the day at Dark Lanes when she slapped Noah and surprised us all. I’ve been so caught up in myself that I’ve neglected everyone who matters to me—my family, my friends and Kane. It needs to stop. I need to do better.
“What’s up with you and Noah?” I ask in a teasing tone, trying to ease the guilt.
Rain presses her lips together, blushing, while quickly shaking her head. “That’s not why we’re here tonight,” she says as Kane’s mansion comes into view ahead. “You need to get your man back.”
I feel awful.
“Rain—”
She cuts me off. “What made you come to your senses anyway? Missing the D?”
I snort, then exhale softly. “The D’s good, but no… That’s not it.”
Where do I even begin? I still can’t quite wrap my head around my emotions. Putting them into words or compartmentalizing feels like an impossible task.
“It’s okay if you don’t have the answers yet,” Rain says as she parks beside a cluster of supercars. She turns off the engine but doesn’t move to leave right away, and we sit in silence, listening to the muffled music coming from the house.
“You don’t need to have it all figured out,” she reassures me as she takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “You can’t run from everything that scares you. We’re Falls girls, Jess. We’re braver than that.”
A watery smile tugs at my lips. “Are we?”
“Heck yes!”
That’s news to me.
“I don’t always feel it.”
“No one does. That’s the point.” She tips her chin at the mansion. “Do you think they do? Newsflash: money doesn’t buy courage. We’re all scared. Every last one of us. And if we’re not, then we’re not truly living, and what’s the point of existing if we’re already dead?”
I nod and swallow around the rock in my throat. She’s right… she is, but that doesn’t make the truth any easier to accept.
“Do you know why you’re scared?” she goes on. “Because you love him. That’s why. And it’s how you know it’s worth fighting for. If it wasn’t real, you wouldn’t feel this way. If it didn’t terrify you even a little, we’d be having a different conversation right now.”
“Yeah? We would? What’s that?”
She shrugs and smiles softly. “I’d question why you weren’t truly living.”
“You think I’m living?”
She’s quiet for a beat, then she says, “I think you’ve been more alive since you met Kane than I’ve seen you in a long time. But it’s more than that… You finally feel again. And that, my friend, hurts.”
“I wish I didn’t have to feel.”
“No, you don’t,” she replies more forcefully.
“Listen to me. The last thing you want is to watch your mom pass away and feel nothing. You don’t want to be numb.
Ever. It hurts to lose someone, and you’re meant to feel.
You’re meant to feel everything. Trust me, you can’t suppress your feelings forever or keep a lid on them.
That’s not how life works. It’ll only make things worse.
Eventually, whether it’s today or twenty years down the road, everything you’ve pushed down will come to the surface, and it won’t be pretty.
Love and loss are two sides of the same coin, whether that love is romantic or otherwise.
The coin always flips eventually. Love can’t exist without grief, but know this: the reward is always worth the price.
Don’t let your hurt keep you from those precious moments when you feel so painfully alive that it’s almost just as scary. ”
Stroking my hair, she says gently, “Now go in there and let yourself feel painfully alive. Live while you have the chance.“
“Why’s everyone around me so wise all of a sudden?”
She laughs, and the sound is like a warm hug.
“It’s easy to be wise where others are concerned, but we’re rarely good at applying those lessons to ourselves, which is what makes us beautifully human.
We fuck up. We try to do better, only to find new ways to fuck up.
Then we fuck up even worse. The bravest thing you can do is dust yourself off and try again. ”
“We’re not even talking about Kane anymore, are we?”
“We’re talking about you. My perfectionist best friend who buries her grief by giving too much of herself to everyone else. But then you met Kane and you were selfish for the first time in so fucking long.”
Rain must see my horrified expression, because she laughs softly and unbuckles her seatbelt. “The most important thing you can do sometimes is to prioritize yourself. Which is what you’re going to do now.”
She unstraps me and leans across to open my door. “Go in there and be selfish. You love Kane. You want Kane. So go fucking get him.”
“What if I hurt him again? What if I’m not ready?”
“You’ll never be ready. There’s no such thing. Now go!”
The house is packed with people drinking and dancing and making out in corners.
I’ve been here countless times before, but as I weave through bodies, the feeling that I don’t belong only grows stronger.
No matter how hard I talk myself up, no matter how many times I remind myself I’m good enough, I still stand out like a sore thumb in my jeans and T-shirt.
There’s no way around that. But for the first time, I recognize that feeling for what it really is.
Nerves.
What do I even say to Kane when I find him? I’m sorry?
Noah finds me in the living room and swings his arm around my shoulder like we’re best friends. “Look what the cat dragged in. Here to fuck up my friend some more?”
I remove his heavy arm, excusing myself, but he pulls me back in, taking a long sip of his beer while gazing down at me with a hint of humor. “You look uncomfortable,” he points out, dragging the back of his hand over his mouth to wipe off the excess alcohol.
Yeah, no wonder. Noah’s intimidating.
“Where’s Kane?” I ask.
“Ah! So I was right.” His voice carries a note of humor. “You are here to hurt my friend again. Walking out on him in the hospital was cold, by the way.”
“Look, do you know where he is or what?”
Noah studies me over the rim of the bottle as he takes another long pull, then says, “As a matter of fact, I do.”
I gesture impatiently as if to say, Go on then, spill. But it’s like talking to a wall.
Noah stares at me, drinking his beer, then he hands it to some poor, pimply guy when it’s empty without so much as looking in his direction.
I watch the interaction with disgust. These guys can be such pricks sometimes as a result of being raised like spoiled brats who think the world owes them everything.
Noah leans in close to my ear. “Your boyfriend is upstairs in his room.”
There’s a glint in his eyes when he straightens, a glint I refuse to read too much into. Turning on my heels, I rush to find Kane but bump into a solid chest instead as I leave the living room.
I should have known in hindsight it wasn’t Kane, but I’m so eager to talk to him that, for a brief moment, as I’m steadied by two big hands, my heart pauses.
But then reality sinks in, and I realize it’s Cash.
“Hey, easy, sweetheart. What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice soft with concern.
“I’m looking for Kane.”
Before he can say anything, Noah steps up behind me. “I told her he’s upstairs.”
Something flashes across Cash’s face…alarm, maybe? Or a warning?
I move past him, but he blocks my path.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“To find him.”
“He’s not up there.”
I pull up short. Why are they looking at me like that? I glance between Cash and Noah, who leans against the wall with his arms crossed. There’s something they’re not telling me, and it makes lead settle in my gut.
“What’s going on?” I ask carefully.
Noah keeps staring, amused by my squirming.
It doesn’t surprise me, to be honest. He’s not as forgiving as Cash, and he certainly won’t let me get away with shit.
But he also wouldn’t kick me out of the house out of loyalty to Kane.
No, I think he’d gladly watch me embarrass myself, even at Kane’s expense, if it means getting some entertainment.
I try to move past Cash again, but he refuses to step aside. What’s his problem?
“You can’t go up there,” he says.
“Why?”