CHAPTER 1 — BELLE
Don’t you worry about it. I’ll figure it out.
Ajax’s words have been ringing in my head ever since he said them.
After we slept together for the first time, we cuddled together, and like usual, Ajax told me I was absolutely perfect or something like that.
When he asked me if I agreed with him, I kind of demurred.
It’s not because I have low self-esteem, but because he was being a little bit ridiculous, saying I was the most beautiful girl in the world or something.
I don’t hate myself or anything, but I’m not delusional.
He seemed very concerned by my answer, though, to the point where he uttered that cryptic phrase that keeps replaying in my mind: “I’ll figure it out.”
What exactly is there to figure out? That’s what I’ve been asking myself over and over.
For some reason, he feels the need to prove to me that I’m beautiful or something like that.
He seems to really hate it when people are pretentious, when they pretend to be humble but really aren’t.
I don’t think he thinks I’m doing that, but he’s right that I don’t seem to see myself quite the way he does.
But then again, I think he’s the one who’s wrong, not me.
I mean, I’ve gotten some attention from boys over the years, sure, but what girl hasn’t?
I feel like I’m mostly average, like most women.
And that’s not a bad thing, because women are beautiful.
I mean, that’s what I think. But when I told Ajax that the next day, he looked at me in horror and doubled down on what he said before.
“I’m going to figure this out,” he said, nodding with the seriousness of a PhD student in systems engineering.
And let me tell you, those students are very serious, and I know because I was one for a semester before I dropped out and switched to a philosophy degree.
Not to say philosophy students aren’t serious, but they’re serious in a more, shall I say, fun or eccentric way, whereas the systems engineers are just serious, point blank.
I’m having flashbacks to advanced calculus when my phone lights up. I grab it. It’s a text from Ajax.
“Meet you at your dorm in 10,” it says.
He knows my schedule, and he knows I’m free. Still, what if I was studying?
“What if I’m studying?” I text back.
“You’re not,” he replies.
I consider my next move. I could push back and incur some of his wrath. Not that he’d ever hold it against me for studying, but he would hold it against me if he found out I was lying. And for some reason, he seems to be really good at that—figuring out when I’m lying, that is.
On the other hand, I’ll admit, our cat and mouse game can be a little fun. It’s decided.
“I am,” I text back. I shut off my phone and put it in my bag and return to the romance book I’m reading.
I’m in a more discreet part of campus, outside the English faculty. It’s a small lounge area, but there’s almost nobody who’s ever there. It’s a hidden gem where I go when I wanna read a smutty romance book by myself.
I can’t always do that in my dorm room because I have a roommate.
Also, I’ll admit, there’s a part of me that likes the excitement of reading it where I could be caught.
Even putting it like that sounds so dramatic, “get caught,” as if reading a smutty romance book was illegal.
It may not be illegal, but it’s certainly not encouraged on a Christian campus like this one.
A naughty thrill runs up my spine as I flip the page of the book. It’s getting steamy now. The lead heroine has just sent her lover away, but it seems like he’s planning to come back. He’s riding around her property on a horse, mulling over what he’s about to do to her.
I bite my lower lip and grin. Oh my god, I think to myself as I flip the page eagerly.
Just then, I feel warmth right under my ear, and then his voice, deep and rough, like a Rocky Mountain gorge.
“Studying,” he says. “Let me see about that.”
He grabs the book out of my hands and starts reading it. I turn around, horrified. At the same time, a part of me feels excited. Did I secretly want him to find me? Maybe. It’s not like it was out of the realm of possibility.
He seems to always have a sixth sense about where I am. He’s very observant, and it’s not the first time he’s found me quickly. I stare at him as his eyes skim the page. His eyebrows raise. I look away as he looks at me. I can feel his eyes burning like lasers at my skin.
“Someone’s been a bad girl,” he says, his voice low and soft. He reaches down and grabs my chin, forcing me to look into his cold blue eyes. “Not only did you lie to me, baby girl, but you were reading smut. I think this calls for a serious punishment, don’t you?”
I shake my head a tiny bit.
“Liar,” he says, smiling. “We both know that’s exactly what you were hoping for. You wanted to get caught reading a smutty romance book out here on campus where anyone could see, so that I’d come find you and teach you a lesson. Isn’t that right?”
I just look at him.
“You don’t have to say anything,” he says, which surprises me, because usually he tries to get me to admit it. Admit that I want him, that I’m turned on, whatever, which is always hard for me. It’s like a tug-of-war between us.
“Oh, don’t worry,” he says, as if he can sense my confusion. “I’m going to get you to admit to things, just not yet. Let’s go to your room first.”
He grabs me and hoists me over his shoulder. He starts walking, carrying me.
“Put me down,” I hiss.
He just keeps walking. We both know that I could get him to put me down anytime if I said “red.” And as much as part of me wants to, I also don’t, because this is exciting.
Instead, I bury my head in his chest, hoping nobody will see.
We’re not far away, so it’s not like there’s a huge risk.
And even if they do, I mean, I guess I could say I twisted my ankle or something.
“Do you feel embarrassed?” he whispers in my ear. “Getting carried around like a helpless little girl?”
I shake my head.
“Liar,” he hisses.
My heart beats faster as we get closer to my dorm. Finally, he whispers in my ear, “Keys.”
I open my eyes for a split second and reach into my jeans pocket to grab them.
As I do, I make eye contact with another classmate, Lucas.
Lucas is one of the few students at North Christian Tradition who isn’t really Christian.
He’s here on scholarship. Maybe he pretended to be Christian to get in.
I don’t know. All I know is that he runs with the rougher crowd.
I feel like he’s the type of guy that Ajax would be friends with if Ajax went to school here. But like Lucas, he’s definitely an atheist. And I’m slowly becoming one too.
I quickly look away, horrified that Lucas saw me.
“Who’s that?” Ajax asks as he unlocks my door.
“Nobody,” I mumble.
“You know I’ll find out,” he says as he closes my door.
I don’t say anything. We both know he’s right.
He locks the door and then advances towards me. “Now, Belle, I think you have a bit of explaining to do.”