Chapter Eleven
ZANDER
Four days I’ve been trying to get Leona to talk to me.
Four fucking days. That’s how special she is.
I wouldn’t waste four hours on anyone else if they didn’t want to talk to me.
I’ve called, texted, and emailed. I draw the line at actually going over to her house.
I’m not completely without pride. None of it has brought a response from her, though.
At first, I figured she’d just get over her tantrum, but by the second day — when I had started to calm down — I realized that maybe she was right.
She had been right. I’d punched her best friend in the face over a dumb song.
I think of the blood running down his face, dripping from his jaw onto his shoulder and onto the ground below him. Fuck, I had almost cut his throat.
If Leona hadn’t been there, I might have — I know I would’ve.
But because of her, I keep myself under control. Most of the time, anyway. Doesn’t mean I don’t still crave the violence. It just means I fight it harder now.
I figured if I apologized to Leona and explained things, she’d forgive me. Then we would be okay again. But how could I do any of that when she wouldn’t talk to me.
So, I have made a plan to see her whether she wants to see me or not. It’s Tuesday and Christian’s band is playing again in town. I’m almost certain Leona will be there. I will catch her before she goes in, and we can talk in the car.
I drive over to the venue and park up outside, across the road from the front door. I know I’m early for a concert, but Leona might get there beforehand to have a drink or two with Christian before it starts and I don’t want to risk missing her.
About twenty minutes later, I finally spot Christian. He isn’t with Leona, though, just a couple of guys. They’re unloading a ton of equipment out of a van in front of the building, with the back doors hanging open.
I watch for a moment and then I see Christian look up and recognize me.
I hadn’t planned on going over there, but now that Christian has seen me, it would look weird if I didn’t.
Plus, it would spoil the plan, because if Leona doesn’t want to see or speak to me, no doubt Christian will know this, and he will warn her that I’m waiting out front.
I get out of the car and head across the road to Christian’s van. He watches me, and when I’m almost beside him, he turns to the others with him.
“Why don’t you two take a break? Go grab a drink or something. Come back in fifteen minutes,” he says.
The others don’t argue. In fact, they look damned pleased with themselves as they amble off into the building empty-handed. Christian looks me up and down, his hand up to shield his eyes from the low evening sun.
“Have you come to threaten to kill me again?” he asks without emotion.
“Where’s Leona?” I say, ignoring his question.
“I have no idea,” Christian says.
“Sure,” I snap.
“Really,” Christian says. He moves behind the van and I follow, thinking he’s going to run. But he just wants to get out of the sun. He perches on the van floor, his legs dangling out. “Leona and I don’t tell each other our every move. We’re friends. Really good friends, but that’s all we are.”
“She friend-zoned you?” I ask.
“We friend-zoned each other,” Christian says.
“You wrote her a love song,” I point out.
“I did, but the song is about platonic love. Haven’t you ever had a friend that you love, that you would go to the ends of the earth for, but you don’t feel attracted to sexually?” Christian asks.
I almost scoff, but the truth is I haven’t, and there’s something about Christian’s openness that makes me want to be honest.
“No,” I say.
“Then I feel sorry for you,” Christian says. “Everyone should feel that kind of love at least once in their lives. But what is between Leona and I is — and only ever will be — platonic love. And if you’re still not convinced, it might help to know that I’m gay.”
“Fuck,” I say. I sit down beside Christian on the van floor. I drag my hands down my face and through my hair. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”
“Yup,” Christian nods.
After a minute, he adds, “But I know Leona, and I saw the way she was looking at you the other night. She’ll come round, I’m sure of it,” he says.
“Mmm,” I say, not convinced. “Look, about punching you and that knife shit… I… I’m sorry.”
“No hard feelings,” Christian says.
I get up and clap him on the shoulder and then I go back to my car. I drive away from my spot and park up around the corner. I want to be able to think in peace, but I don’t want to sit outside the concert venue.
I realize something while talking to Christian.
Sure, I acted the way I did with him because he was getting too close to her.
Normally I won’t have someone disrespecting me like that, putting their hands on what’s mine or acting like they have a claim.
With Leona it was more than that though.
I wasn’t just afraid of looking stupid or letting Christian disrespect me.
I had been afraid I would lose Leona. I was afraid she would see how broken I am and how normal Christian is and choose him instead of me.
I shake my head. I can’t deal with this. I don’t know how to deal with emotions because it’s been so long since I let myself feel anything for anyone. The only emotion I’ve really let in since I was a child has been anger. I understand anger. I can work with anger.
In my family, perfection wasn’t encouraged.
It was expected. And I wanted to be perfect.
I got good grades. I behaved. People constantly praised me.
But I knew it was not true. Something wasn’t right with me.
I was just good at pretending to be okay.
No matter how great everything looked on the outside, I knew that my parents were so busy building their filming empire that they probably wouldn’t even notice if I was gone.
I spent years trying to be perfect just to make them notice me, but I cracked under all the pressure.
I was angry, and I just had this drive, this pull to destroy.
I figured instead of self-destructing, I dove headfirst into hurting others. And it worked.
I decide that Leona has the right idea. I’m toxic, and I need to keep away from her.
I make the decision and wait to feel better, but I don’t. Not really. I will, though. And when I get a handle on this, I won’t let myself get attached to anyone again.
***
A few days pass after I decide to stay away from Leona.
It’s killing me. She’s all I think about.
The way her lips taste. The way her pussy grips me.
The way she takes whatever I throw at her and keeps coming back for more.
I want to feel her tight little cunt around my cock.
I want to twist her nipples until she cries out and comes over me, soaking me in her delicious juices.
I can’t keep on like this, but tonight, I have another chance to see her. I was talking to Laurel earlier and she let slip that Erin had a date, which means Leona will be home alone. Once I knew that, it was game over. I knew I had to go over there.
It’s after nine now and I’m confident Erin will be gone.
The lounge light is on, but the rest of the place is dark.
Either Leona’s inside, or she left a light on before going out.
If she’s gone on a date, I will find whoever she was with and I will kill him.
Literally kill him. I will break the fucker in half.
I get out of the car, swallow down my thoughts, and knock on the door. The door opens almost instantly, and there she is.
Seeing her again nearly knocks the air from my lungs. I had almost forgotten how small she is, how fragile she looks. Her face is soft and fucking perfect. She’s wearing nothing but a robe tied around her waist.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” she says.
Okay, I didn’t expect this to be easy.
“Then just listen,” I say.
“No,” Leona says.
She’s starting to close the door, but I won’t lose my chance with her. I wedge my foot in the doorway before she can shut it.
“Move your foot,” she says.
“Hear me out,” I fire back.
“It won’t change anything,” she says.
“Then it won’t hurt to hear it, will it?”
Leona sighs and opens the door wide enough for me to come in.
I walk past her and into the lounge, where I sit down on the couch.
I hear her close the front door and she comes into the lounge.
She starts to move towards an armchair, but I take her wrist and pull her down beside me.
She tries to fight me, but I keep a grip on her and, after a few seconds, she stills.
Is it because she knows she can’t get away, or is it because touching me makes her want me again?
“Why didn’t you tell me Christian is gay?” I ask.
“Huh?” Leona says. She clearly wasn’t expecting me to start with that.
“Let me answer for you, then. Because if I had known Christian was gay, I wouldn’t have had to be jealous of you two, right?”
“You didn’t have to be jealous of us anyway,” Leona says.
“But you wanted me to be, didn’t you?”
Leona looks down into her lap. “I suppose I did a bit,” she says. “But I never wanted it to go as far as it did. I just wanted to know you cared.”
“Seriously? How many times have I told you that you’re mine?”
“That’s not the same thing. It’s like I’m your possession. I want you to care about me, not just have me. Does that make sense?“ she says, her eyes pleading with me to understand.
I nod.
“It does,” I say. “But you need to understand that it’s not easy for me.
For years, I thought emotions made people weak.
I got good at shutting emotions off, I guess.
I am trying to be different, Leona. When I say you’re mine, it’s not just about owning you.
Yeah, I like knowing you’re mine, but it’s more than that.
It’s about me telling you that I’m not going anywhere. That you will be mine forever.”
“Okay,” she says cautiously.
“Can you live with that? Because that might be as good as it gets,” I say.
She nods. “Yes. But you can’t lose your shit every time another guy talks to me, and I’m allowed to go places without you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you, and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on you, because I’m not,” she says.
“Then you need to be open with me. Like telling me Christian is gay,” I say.
“That wasn’t my thing to tell,” Leona says. “And besides, I don’t want it to be like that. I want you to trust me when I say I want you, and I want you to believe that nothing would happen with anyone else without me having to explain every little thing.”
“Okay, I get that,” I say.
I think for a minute. “But if this is going to work, then you have to respect me too, Leona. Like the other night, I chose you over that initiation night at Valens. I don’t regret that decision; I will always choose you.
I just wanted the same from you. When I told you I wanted to see you, you chose Christian over me. ”
“That’s not what happened, Zan. I wasn’t going to ditch my friend just because you suddenly wanted my attention. I did invite you to come,” Leona says. “Maybe this is what we needed. This conversation. Feels like we both want the same thing, but we suck at saying it.”
That feels exactly right. “Okay, let’s make a deal. From now on, we talk openly and honestly with each other. Nothing is off the table. If one of us is pissed off at the other, none of this running away bullshit. We talk it out,” I say.
Leona goes quiet for a second before smiling at me.
“Yes. I’d like that,” she says. “But if you ever lay a hand on one of my friends again, we’re done.”
“Deal,” I say, hoping I can keep that promise.
I lean in and kiss her and she kisses me back, her kiss just as hungry as mine. I pull back, take her hand in mine, and lead her towards her bedroom.