Chapter 22 Lucian
Lucian
Ugh, fucking hell. I awake, groaning and rubbing my neck.
Emily and her witch bullshit, snapping my neck again like it's her favorite party trick.
The last time she pulled this shit was when I tried to take a little sip from Sable's delectable neck.
Not my finest moment, I'll admit, but come on! I'm learning.
Speaking of which, my eyes snap open faster than a bear trap, and I'm hit with the memory of almost draining that walking, talking honey pot with the golden eyes. I sit up, and lo and behold, there she is—Dream Girl—staring at me like a puzzle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a chimichanga.
Emily glares daggers. "Welcome back to the land of the living, you ass! Don't even think about trying that shit again, or I swear to all that is unholy, I will shove your shriveled little balls so far up your ass you'll be coughing up sperm for a month. Got it, Deadboy?"
"Well, hello to you too, sunshine. It is always a pleasure to wake up to your dulcet tones and colorful threats." I grin cheekily. "You sure know how to make a vamp feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Oh wait... that's just the sensation of my balls retreating in terror. Silly me."
I turn my attention back to the honey-gold-eyed goddess, putting on my most charming smile. "Sorry about that, sweetcheeks. But can you really blame a guy for being tempted? Your blood... it's like the nectar of the gods. It's like you were made just for me..."
She sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose like she's about to lose her shit. "My blood calls to all vamps, you idiot. So no, I'm not your personal blood bag, and I sure as hell wasn't made for you."
Well, fuck me sideways. I must look confused as hell, like I've got a goddamn dick shoved up my ass because Sable jumps in to save the day. "Lucian, this is Dani. The one we've been telling you about."
Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit.
Holy mother of plot twists, Batman! She's the super-powered savior chick, and I just tried to Hoover her like a fucking Dust Buster.
I was like a vampire version of Cookie Monster when she went all ragdoll in my arms. Let me tell you, her blood is like nothing else (at least, nothing my amnesia-riddled brain can recall).
Imagine chugging a glass of liquid lightning mixed with the finest aged whiskey, and you might come close to the mind-blowing flavor explosion that is Dani's hemoglobin elixir. I swear, I'd fight through a horde of rabid chihuahuas to get another sip of that divine nectar.
In my bloodlust haze, she mumbled something about my blood being inside her. Has she been sipping on my sauce before?
I don't know what the hell that's all about, but my entire circulatory system is screaming, "Dani, Dani, Dani!" like a lovesick groupie.
Christ on a cracker, I wish I could remember how all this vampire voodoo works.
And oh, oh, let's not forget her super blood.
My brain clicks into overdrive. I practically leap to my feet and make a beeline for the windows.
With the flair of a Vegas showman, I fling the curtains open, letting the sunlight pour in.
I tilt my head back, arms outstretched, like I'm in some dramatic Broadway musical.
"Ahhhh… there it is," I sigh, soaking up the rays like a sun-deprived plant.
The girls all scoff at my antics as I return to my seat.
I run a hand through my golden hair, trying to process this clusterfuck of information.
"So, let me see if I understand. You're the chosen one, the big kahuna, the supernatural savior.
.. and I just tried to slurp you up like a fucking Go-Gurt? "
Smooth move, Lucian. Real smooth.
Dani quirks an eyebrow, a smirk playing on her lips. "Oh, don't worry, Count Drac-u-la-di-da. I'm sure we can find a way to jog your rusty old memory."
I shake my head, a shit-eating grin spreading across my face. "We've got some sort of freaky blood-bond mojo going on? Like, you're the Buffy to my Spike, the Bill to my Sookie?"
"Please. You're not nearly cool enough to be Spike or Bill. If anything, you're more like the lovechild of Damon Salvatore and a rabid chihuahua—all bark, no bite, and annoying as hell."
I gasp, clutching my chest like I've just been shot. "Ouch, baby! You really know how to hurt a guy. But let's be real here—Damon and Elena? Total endgame material. You sure you want to open that can of worms?"
I lean in closer, waggling my eyebrows suggestively. "Because I seem to recall a certain steamy little moment between us. Care to refresh my memory, or should I start writing my own version of Fifty Shades of Bloodsucking?"
Oh man, the way she kissed me back? Her tongue danced in my mouth while her fingers clutched me like I was the last taco on Earth! I swear, I was harder than a superhero’s resolve. Just thinking about those soft lips and her mouth? Yeah, it’s definitely giving me a little chub!
The look on her face is priceless. I can't tell if she's about to shit a brick or if she's just really, really constipated."You okay there, Dani-girl?" I ask, fighting back a grin.
She glares at me, her cheeks flushing a delightful shade of red. "Shut up, Lucian. I'm fine. Just... thinking."
"Thinking? Is that what we're calling it now?" I smirk. "Because from where I'm standing, it looks more like you're about to pop a vein trying to squeeze out a stubborn turd."
She punches me in the arm hard enough to make me wince. "You're disgusting, you know that? Why do I even put up with you?"
I grin, rubbing my arm where she hit me. "Because I'm charming, witty, and devastatingly handsome? Oh, and let's not forget my sparkling personality."
"More like annoying, immature, and a giant pain in my ass. Seriously, Lucian, do you ever take anything seriously?"
I wink. "Care to shed some light on that little blood bombshell? Because I'm pretty pissed off, I don't remember sipping from a neck as delectable as yours."
Dani sighs, clearly annoyed. "It's a long story; frankly, I don't have the time or crayons to explain it to you right now. Let's just say that we've got a bit of a... complicated history. One that involves some blood-sharing and your brain becoming Swiss cheese."
"It obviously didn't work," Emily says to my side, sighing out of frustration.
I turn to her, a grin spreading across my face. "Oh, so you guys already gave my noggin a good old-fashioned shake-and-bake, huh?"
Emily scoffs. "No shit, Sherlock. While you were busy catching some z's, we tried to jumpstart your old fart memory. But apparently, even magic has limits when it comes to fixing stupid."
"Ooh, sick burn, Sabrina," I quip. "But seriously, what's the deal? I thought you witches were all-powerful and whatnot—and you…the savior of the multiverse."
Dani lets out a huff of exhaustion. "We tried to heal you, but this damn stone has a mind of its own and apparently has a prejudice against your kind."
My eyes take in Dani's fancy headgear, and BAM! It's like a mental laxative—all that magical mumbo-jumbo Sable and Emily were spewing about the crown's bling comes flooding back faster than Taco Tuesday's revenge.
"Hold up, hold up," I say, pointing at the bedazzled headpiece. "Isn't that the tiara with all the infinity stones or some shit? The one that's supposed to give you superpowers and make you the ultimate magical girl?"
Dani groans, clearly not impressed by my references. "They're not infinity stones, you dumbass. They're ancient elemental gems that grant the wearer control over different aspects of reality."
I raise an eyebrow, intrigued. "Oh, so you're saying I'm too much of a bad boy even for ancient magical artifacts? I'm flattered."
"More like too much of a pain in the ass. The stone probably took one look at your twisted excuse for a brain and decided it wanted no part of it."
"Ouch, babe. You really know how to make a guy feel special," I say, placing a hand over my heart. "But hey, I'm not one to hold a grudge, especially not against a rock. I mean, who am I to judge? I've been stoned plenty of times myself. At least, I think."
Emily groans, rubbing her temples. "For fuck's sake, Lucian. Can you take anything seriously for once in your undead life?"
I shrug. "Life's too short to be serious all the time. Oh wait, I guess that doesn't really apply to me anymore, does it? Perks of being a creature of the night and all that jazz."
Dani sighs, shaking her head like an exasperated teacher dealing with an overenthusiastic but clueless student.
"Look, the point is, we tried to help you, but it didn't work.
So, we'll have to find another way to get your memories back.
But we don't have time to sit here and use you as a science experiment.
I need to get back to Rhyland—to Aquaria. "
My ears practically do a backflip at that.
Aquaria? Oh yeah, that's like the magical water Disneyland that Emily and Sable yammered on about during their 'saving the world' TED Talk.
"Wait a sec," I say, finally clocking her outfit, "is that why you're dressed like a sexy pirate wench?
" I bite my lip, trying and failing to keep the shit-eating grin off my face.
"Because if so, my entire collection of inappropriate spank bank material just upgraded to 'sexy pirate wench' edition. "
Emily and Sable both scoff at my lewd comment.
"Unfuckingbelievable," Dani snaps. "The world is on the brink of collapsing, and your mind is firmly planted in the gutter? Just when I thought you couldn't get any worse. I much prefer the version of you with memories—at least that Lucian had some self-control."
She gestures to her outfit, exasperation dripping from every word.
"This getup isn't for your personal spank bank, okay?
It's to blend in with the crowd in Aquaria.
You know, the realm I need to return to to prevent the actual apocalypse?
But sure, let's ogle and make inappropriate comments instead. That helps."
Sable jumps in, her sweet voice adding a touch of reason to the chaos. "Everyone, let's just take a deep breath. Dani, you’re right—we need to focus. Lucian, control yourself. We have a lot at stake here."
I hold my hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. Lay it on me, ladies. What's the game plan?"
Dani stays silent for a long moment, the gears turning in her pretty little head. After what feels like an eternity of waiting for her to solve world hunger or some shit, she finally speaks up. "I'll go back and take Lucian with me."
Emily, in all her bitchy glory, "Thank fucking god. I can't babysit this overgrown man-child anymore."
"Are you sure that's wise? Bringing him along in his current state?" Sable asks, voicing her concerns.
I mull it over for a second. Is it a good idea to hop dimensions or realms or whatever the fuck they're called when I can barely remember my own name?
Then again, it beats sitting around here twiddling my thumbs while surrounded by two sexy witches, one of whom is just itching to snip my balls off at the first opportunity.
Plus, it means more one-on-one time with Little Miss Honey Pot over there.
I flash Dani a grin. "Hey, I'm game if you are, sweetcheeks. A little interdimensional road trip sounds like just the thing to jog my memory. And if not, well, at least I'll have some eye candy to keep me company along the way."
Emily makes a gagging noise. "Gross. Can you keep it in your pants for, like, five seconds?"
I smirk. "Sorry, babe. When you're packing heat like I am, it's hard to always keep the safety on."
Sable shakes her head, looking like she's questioning every life choice that led her to this moment. "Dani, are you absolutely certain about this? We don't know what kind of trouble he could cause in Aquaria."
Dani sighs, rubbing her temples. "I don't have a choice. We need all the help we can get, and like it or not, Lucian's a powerful ally. I'll just have to keep a close eye on him and make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid."
"Moi? Stupid? Never. I'm the picture of grace and decorum."
Emily snorts. "Yeah, if grace and decorum got shit-faced and had a baby with poor decision-making skills."
Dani laughs, then focuses back on me. "How about you shut the hell up and focus on not getting us killed in Aquaria? Do you think you can handle that, champ?"
I give her a cheeky salute, my hand snapping to my forehead with all the precision of a drunk soldier. "Aye, aye, captain. One steaming hot order of 'not fucking things up' coming right up. Served with a side of 'I'll do my best, but no promises.'"
I pause, a mischievous grin spreading across my face. "But just for the record, if you ever want to use that crown to, you know, play out some fantasies... I'm totally down. We could have our own little roleplay adventure."