36. Daphne The Shape Of His Room
thirty-six
Daphne: The Shape Of His Room
My fists went cold, banging on the clubhouse door while the Seattle sky ached with familiarity behind me.
I had no time to appreciate it or lean into the feeling of being his, not after Wolfe’s call and Thay’s continued silence.
It was nearly one in the morning, and my headspace was a mess.
I was running on adrenaline, jet lag, and Wolfe-flavored heartbreak.
Get it together, Daphne. I breathed through my nose. But just as Thay predicted, the world was unraveling.
“Thay? Wolfe?” I pounded, but nothing shifted in the dark.
You would think that I would have come up with a plan to save him, but no matter how I lined the pieces, his voice was there alongside my thoughts, checking the queen.
“OPEN THE DOOR!” I screamed, blinking through the rain leaking from the broken roof.
In what world did this door not open for me? I shivered, the warmth of Maine still warm on my skin.
“BLADE!” I shouted, staring at his window. At all their windows. And that is when I realized that the house was completely dark. “Jessie? NATHEM!”
Panic washed over me in a burst of light. What if I was too late and…
“Fucking please,” I struck again. “Please, please open the door.”
To swallow down the dread that was creeping up my spine, I pulled out my phone and texted Nathem before tucking it away to keep it from the rain.
He is my person. He will answer me.
I banged. Kicked. Begged.
Prayed.
Shit. Shit. SHIT!
Taking a breath, I pushed my head between my knees.
Wolfe had no idea I was in Portland when he called, and after everything, I did not know how to tell them. Originally, I planned to make my way home until Thay permitted me to return, but with Wolfe’s news, how could I?
“Goddammit!” I screamed, rage-kicking the metal with my shoe. “LET ME IN!”
“Have you lost your bloody mind?” Nathem barked, flinging the door open and yanking me into his arms. “This is a terrible time, Daphne. You’re supposed to be in Maine.”
The house was dark, and I hesitated, glancing down the hall at Wolfe’s closed door and up the stairs toward Thay’s room, unsure of who might be inside.
“What is going on?”
Nathem scowled, flaring his nostrils at me, and that is when I realized he was in full gear, as were the shadows behind him, armed to the nines.
“I need to see Wolfe,” I said quietly, instinct telling me to stay silent.
“He is not here, and neither is Threx. You’re supposed to be in Maine.”
“Well, surprise!” I shot back, digging my fingers into my palms. “I am not. Which doesn’t matter because we have to stop him, Nate. Whatever Wolfe is going to do, we can’t let it happen. He said he had a meeting tomorrow.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Nathem hissed, his eyes wide in the dark as he signaled to the others lining the perimeter and shoved me into the wall. I could tell he wanted to drag his fingers over my mouth, but chose not to. “It got moved to tonight. They are not here.”
My heart dropped, pulling in two different directions.
“No,” my fist curled into a ball. “Nate?”
“There is nothing we can do,” his whisper was razor-thin.
I searched for something to hold on to, but his eyes were empty. There had to be a way to convince these armed men to stop Wolfe or at least protect him from whatever he was about to walk into.
I needed Thay.
“Lyla is dead, and shit is going down. You need to leave.”
“I am not going anywhere!” I huffed under my breath.
The entire club was standing in the dark with blades, bombs, and ammunition at the ready, and he thought I would just what? Get back on a plane and ride into the sunshine? Not to mention the two men who made up my body and soul were missing.
Nathem snarled, biting into my defiance with an angry growl, but lucky for him, I had practice. Thay had been growling at me my entire life.
“It’s too dangerous to send her back out,” Jessie cut in, shooting me a hard look. “Daphne. You’re supposed to be in Maine.”
“Well, you’re supposed to be my friend,” I snapped, coaxing Jessie out of kill mode. “And so are you,” I peered up at Nathem, who was only trying to keep me safe.
“We’re closer than friends, Daphne. And if it weren’t for those two men who love you most, I’d love you next. But now that you’ve officially gone dark, you’re going to need to fucking listen.”
Part of me knew he was right. However, the other part wanted to punch him straight in the dick.
“I’ll take her to Blade. She can bunker with him until we get the all clear,” Jessie explained, reaching past Nathem’s biceps to pull me into him. “And don’t tell Threx or Wolfe she is here. They can’t deal with this shit right now. They need to focus.”
I took a deep breath, allowing Jessie to haul me up the stairs in a slow-motion tug.
“I’m not trying to be a dick,” Nathem muttered, pressing his face between the slats of the staircase as we hurried past.
“Just an asshole then?” I flipped him off, feeling Jessie grumble beside me. “What?” I shot him a look as we reached the top step. “He deserved it.”
“Actually, you deserve it,” he shrugged, tossing me into Blade’s room with a shove. “Seriously, Daphne. All you had to do was stay put.”
“I did that already.” I glanced out the window. “It did not work very well. Tell me where Wolfe is!”
“No. And keep away from the windows. If you hear gunfire, I want you to pull up the boards along the wall and hide under the floor."
“What did you just say to me?” I had lived in this building most of my life, and a raid had never hit us.
“You’ll have to leave Blade behind. You both won’t fit,” Jessie warned, exhaling before shutting the door, leaving me in the dark.
“You’re such a pain in the ass,” Blade groaned from the twin bed shoved in the corner.
“Christopher, it smells like balls in here,” I grimaced, gagging as I crawled next to him to lay my head on his chest.
He adjusted his body, caging me in with a slow trickle along my arm, and it was enough to hear him breathe, even if the rise and fall was off and his heartbeat didn’t belong to me.
“Are you going to tell me what is happening?” I pushed, but Blade only sighed, keeping his fingers at a comforting lull.
“The less you know, the better.”
“Is Wolfe going to die?” I shook, and Blade’s hand stopped.
“Fuck, I hope not.”
“Is Thay in danger?” I asked, not wanting to know the answer to that question either.
“Always, babe.” He exhaled.
“Wolfe kind of, sort of… broke up with me tonight,” I blurted, pushing back the tears that threatened when Blade’s laugh cut through the wreckage.
“BAH!” he giggled. Fucking giggled. “That will last all of two fucking minutes. How you manage to get men’s dicks all tied in knots, I’ll never know.”
“It’s not funny. He was not okay.”
“Of course he wasn’t. Look, Daph. I’ve known Wolfe forever, and the man’s fearless unless it comes to you. You’re the one variable he cannot predict. And mostly, it makes him better. You give the robot guy a little bitty soul,” Blade said softly.
“Shut up!” I nudged him in the ribs, careful of his leg. I could sense he was still in pain by the way his words came out in strained, breathy sentences.
“Babe, I can’t tell you what he’s doing, but I can say that he needs to feel in control tonight. And with you, he just doesn’t. Give him this moment and then walk around his room naked when this all blows over and dare him not to touch you.”
I smiled against the flat of his chest. The way these men thought about risks and rewards made sense in a dark, twisted sort of way. A strange origami that folded men into monsters.
“Does it still hurt?” I asked, peering down at the crumpled white sheets that covered his wounded leg.
“Yes, but the painkillers make the dreams worse, so fuck that shit.”
Blade suffered from nightmares from the years he spent in foster care. I had spent countless nights reading books, listening to music, or simply rubbing his back until dawn. So much of his life was trapped in his body, under the kind of scream that kills you from the inside.
“Is it gunfire?” I searched his face for the answer.
“Yeah. Like all of them. Like every fucking shot I ever took!” he swallowed. “You think I’d be used to it by now. All this shit, but no. It just always fucking sucks. So,” he cleared his throat, puffing his chest. “You want to fuck or what?”
I laughed, allowing my body to ease, and he smiled, squeezing me tighter.
“No?” Blade rolled into me. “Fine. Well, at least tell me who is better in bed? Beauty or the Beast?”
I giggled at the comparison and how accurate it was.
“Wait. If Thay is the Beast and Wolfe is the Beauty, what does that make me?” I asked, and Blade smiled.
“I don’t know, Daph, that crackety old candlestick!”
“Shut up!” I nudged him hard.
“Or that slutty dresser who runs around the castle flashing everyone her moths.”
“I hate you.”
“Which one am I?” he asked through a labored yawn. “And if you say Gaston, I am pushing you off the bed.”
“No,” I breathed deeply. “You’re not attractive enough to be that asshole.”
“Fuck you!” We laughed, mostly to keep from crying, or the fact that any moment someone could walk into this room and gun us down in the dark.
“I can sing the song if you want?” I whispered when the jest fell silent.
“Would you?” he asked, resting his head on mine, allowing me to trace circles on his chest.
It was a stupid melody that we invented in the back of a cargo train going over Snoqualmie Pass. I don’t know why, but over the years, it just stuck.
I had something with all these men. Inside jokes and late-night binges with Nathem. Puzzles and philosophy with Jessie. Everything with Thay and everything else with Wolfe. It was like a reverse harem of the mind, five sinewy strands webbing out between us.
I glanced at my phone, listening for movement below before I broke into song. Still, nothing.
I can’t rid these monsters in my head.
Or the ones I kiss under my bed
I can’t find the light in all this dark.
Just a broken body
with broken parts.
Yeah
“Your turn,” I whispered.
I can’t find the match to make it burn.
But it’s not a lesson I will learn.
They came for you.
But they came for me first.
If they make me bleed.
I’ll make them hurt
And I won’t fall apart,
broken things don’t mend.
Won’t fall apart
to hear your voice again
singing
I allowed him to drift into wherever he needed to go to survive this moment as I picked up the chorus.
Where I go, no one will find me.
And where I go, I’ll keep you behind me.
I’ve got you tied down in the dark.
Yeah
like a fucking bruise to my fucking heart
Yeah
And even when it all falls apart
Yeah
I’ll keep you
in the middle of me
“I never found anyone to do that,” Blade took a breath. “I’d give anything to have what you do with Threx. Anything.”
“Don’t give up, Christopher,” I encouraged, knowing that love might never come for him. It was too hard to hold on to with a gun in your hands. Everyone knew it. Even me. Even Wolfe.
“Can I ask you a question?” he asked, the sleep in his throat pulling him under. “What is the difference?”
“Between what?”
“Giving up and accepting your fate?” he mumbled.
Goddammit Blade.
I choked on the question, wishing the lights would turn on.
“The difference is your breaking point,” I said, listening to the way his breathing fell away from me, wishing I could follow. “Giving up happens before you fall; acceptance comes during.”
Blade didn’t respond; he only turned and yawned into my hair.
“I am glad you’re home, Daphne,” he said, shutting his eyes. “And thank you for keeping me in the middle of you.”
I wanted to cry, but there were no more tears left in my body.
Blade drifted off to sleep, and all I could do was stare into the shape of his room.
BANG.