Chapter 59 – Clover
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Clover
“Why is it so fucking hard to believe that I care about you?” Thomas’ voice rumbles throughout my bedroom. I hate how he makes me want to answer him instead of pushing him away.
I can’t even stop myself from fighting him — even totally aware that I’m just pushing him away because I’m scared.
“Because, it’s never happened before!” I yell at him. I hate that my voice shakes. “You don’t know what my life has been like but it’s been one dickhead after another. Even my parents want to use me. I can have sex. I’m not fucking broken. I just can’t do the other part.”
His voice softens and I hate him getting all soft with me like I’m a little lamb. I’m not weak. I don’t need Thomas to handle me with kid gloves.
He nods and murmurs, “You’re scared.”
I hate that he can see through me. My body trembles despite my efforts to stay calm.
“I’m not scared of anything,” I snarl, gritting my teeth and restraining myself as much as possible. Which is just barely.
“Then let me give you one kiss. Prove it.”
I can feel my lips shaking. I hate the raw emotion spilling out of me and I especially hate that Thomas is the one forcing these emotions out of me.
I hate how he keeps trying to make me weak with all these kisses, those flowers and that gift.
I can’t deny I love the bracelet. It’s perfect and he knows my style enough that I can wear it with everything.
He’s a Bainbridge. Those diamonds are probably real. I want to put it on right now and there’s even a part of me that wants to say “yes” to Thomas.
That fucking bastard.
“Okay,” I whisper. “You can kiss me.”
He inches towards me carefully. He never rushes me, never pushes me… I can almost forgive him for calling me a slut because he’s so fucking gentle with the way he teases my senses. His hand rushes to my cheek and I smell his cologne and deodorant intermingling with the delicious smell of Thomas.
He leans down, his body forming a protective wall over me as his lips ease towards mine.
The first touch of Thomas’ lips drives me wild.
I feel free when I’m kissing him. It’s when our lips are apart that I think of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together and kissing his perfect lips becomes a problem.
He doesn’t force me to kiss him for too long. He pulls away and grins.
“I like you,” he whispers. “That’s it.”
“You called me a slut. You were such an asshole. You did creepy shit, Thomas. How can we move past that?”
He touches me softly and plants a warm kiss on my cheek. Give in to him, Clover. Just let it happen, just for tonight.
“Same way I moved past those bruises. We let time heal it all.”
“If we date… what about Spicy Freak? What about… everything?”
The person who hurt Kola is still out there. It could be someone who goes to our school, even.
“You don’t know how far I’ll go to keep you safe,” Thomas whispers. “You don’t.”
It sounds ominous and my mind immediately rushes to the news of Molly’s suicide.
I never suspected Thomas had anything to do with that.
There wasn’t any reason to believe she didn’t commit suicide based on the reports, but the look in Thomas’ eyes right now tells me that he really would kill for me, even if he didn’t then.
“What about the holiday?”
“We could run away together,” Thomas says, grinning. “I’ve got money.”
I want to say yes to that so badly. I don’t want to sign the releases to be in the videos my mom and I don’t know where we’d run, but running away with Thomas seems like the only way I could ever let myself enjoy him.
But I can’t run away from my life to be with Thomas, even if I really fucking want to.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Lil’ Cee.”
I haven’t seen my brother in months. He’s been alone with my mom, probably smack in the middle of the divorce and going through hell.
He hardly chats with me online and I don’t know what his life has been like since I went away to boarding college.
I can’t abandon my little brother at Christmas time.
“I see,” Thomas whispers. “I understand.”
He leans forward and kisses my forehead.
I think he really understands, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t disappointed.
Thomas’ chest heaves and the pillar of muscle in front of me leans in closer.
He wraps his arms around me and gives me a big, genuine hug.
I rest my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
He might seem all calm and secure in himself, but Thomas’ heart races.
I wet my lips and pull away from him, leaving my hand on his heart.
“I do have feelings for you,” I whisper. “You’re right. I’m scared. You hurt me Thomas, you scared the crap out of me. I know you have a dark side.”
My fingers curl around his chest muscle and I allow his slow heartbeat to soothe me. He terrifies me, but I love him. How the hell does that work?
“Yes.”
“I know you’ve done things that you won’t talk about and Sylvia won’t talk about.”
“I have.”
I close my eyes and swallow. As I shut my eyes, his warmth becomes more intense and so does my desire for him.
I know it’s wrong. I know he’s done horrible, shitty things and that he’s far from perfect, but my body can’t help how it responds to him.
He’s insanely attractive and I’m only human.
It’s not like every other girl on this campus doesn’t find the tall, tattooed mysterious athlete alluring.
I hate being like other people, but in this way, I’m totally like every other girl here.
Thomas can’t walk into a room without my eyes finding him.
I love his light brown hair, his clear gray eyes and the way his firm biceps glisten whenever he wears a tank top.
My tongue turns into a cotton ball in my mouth from not wanting to talk about my feelings – from learning that talking about my feelings could fuck things up.
“If I trust you, Thomas, you’ll break my heart. I can’t let a guy break my heart.”
“Maybe you’ll break mine,” He whispers.
“I wouldn’t want that either.”
“Let’s make a deal then,” he murmurs. “I take things really fucking slow with you, even if you’re right. I want more.”
“Sex?”
“Yes,” he chuckles. “I can’t lie, even if it would be in my best interest. I want to sleep with you. I suppose that’s why I got so bothered that other men here have had you already.”
My throat tightens. Thomas doesn’t get it.
Other men had me a long time ago. There’s so much about my past that he still doesn’t know and it’s not the thing you blurt out and trauma dump over a guy you like, but you can’t help but think that if he knew the truth about you, he wouldn’t see you as this ethereal princess.
He’d think I was trash because I didn’t get to this school without having to work for Making It With The Robinsons.
“Can I get bothered that Kola kissed you?”
Thomas chuckles. “She said I was the worst kisser ever and that white boys had no lips.”
“What?”
“I convinced her to try to make you jealous for me.”
“Why the hell did she agree to that?”
“I dunno. Maybe she believes in love.”
I roll my eyes. It’s bad enough he’s talking about courting and dating me without sex. I don’t even want to hear him say the L-word.
“Don’t say that word, Thomas.”
“I’d rather not say anything at all,” he murmurs. “I’m quite tired of talking.”
My throat tightens. “We can’t have sex.”
“I know,” he whispers. “But there’s a lot we can do before we have sex. I’m courting you, remember?”
Thomas Bainbridge kneels in front of me and I finally understand what he wants to do to me. I don’t know if I can handle this, but I don’t know if I can say no to him either. I want him and I want to feel safe enough to admit it.
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