Chapter 30
It was another day on the road to Summerhurst, and Asha was exhausted.
She knew the others were, too, but it didn’t stop her from snapping at them.
Even Kimmy grew weary of her, and despite knowing she had to at least appease the one person ostensibly on her side, Asha found herself unable to hide her bitterness.
When they stopped to camp for the night, she was in an even worse mood.
Hunger gnawed at her, as did the ever-present ache for a man she told herself she hated.
The knowledge that he was looking for her had ripped her heart open anew, but it was too late now.
He’d made his bed, and she wasn’t going to be his tool to use ever again.
Around the campfire, Claire chatted amiably with Madigan, snuggled up beside him on a blanket.
He had his arm around her, and Claire hung on his every word like it was gospel.
Given the darkness of her thoughts, their cutesy flirting grated even more heavily on Asha.
She tried to distract herself with cooking, helping Kimmy to roast pigeon on a spit over the fire.
“I do not,” Claire exclaimed, “snore like a bear. I know that for a fact.”
“No, more like a squirrel or something,” Madigan replied, grinning. “The daintiest little snores I ever heard. It’s cute, really.”
Claire shook with giggles. “How does one snore daintily?”
“I don’t know, but you do,” he said with a chuckle. “Only when the air’s especially dry, but it’s funny.”
Somehow, that obnoxious exchange led to a kiss, and Asha looked away in disgust. Kimmy, to her credit, was able to entirely ignore them as she turned the pigeon, like it was second nature. Asha wondered how she could stand it.
She’s probably not hung up on her stupid gangster ex, a voice in her head needled her. The one we’re supposed to be forgetting about, remember?
Asha dug her fingernails into her arm, grounding herself with the pain they brought. She and Kimmy had kissed for the first time earlier that day, during a break from traveling. Asha had hoped that it would make her forget the past, or at least make her feel something.
She felt nothing but numb in the aftermath.
Kimmy, on the contrary, had been flushed and breathless, with stars in her eyes.
For the first time, Asha knew what it felt like to see someone falling in love with you and not only not reciprocate their feelings, but feel repulsed by them.
She’d seen this movie before, and she knew how it ended.
It wasn’t fair, she knew, to string Kimmy along like this. However, Kimmy quite literally held Asha’s life in her hands. They were far into the wilderness now, and abandoning Asha here after a nasty break-up would mean certain death.
Couple that situation with the fact that Claire and Madigan would not stop being obnoxiously happy together at every possible opportunity, despite Asha’s dire warnings about him to her friend, and Asha almost wished she’d died back at the Cave like she was supposed to.
Mercifully, night fell. They had to sleep in shifts because they had only one tent, so she and Claire were due to sleep first before switching halfway through the night.
Before turning in, Asha walked into the brush to relieve herself, leaving Madigan and Kimmy at the campfire.
She wandered far enough to still see the light from the fire, but far enough that she finally felt truly alone for the first time in days.
It was somehow a huge relief to be away from them, to not have to mask her pain with anger and irritation.
The darkness of the night was nearly absolute this far into the wilderness, so it was easy enough to follow the light of the campfire back towards camp. Relieved that she hadn’t gotten lost, she stopped dead as Madigan appeared from the darkness, his outline illuminated by the dim light.
He leaned between two tree trunks, watching her. The ambient light was enough to just barely light up his features. His mouth was drawn into a hard line.
Asha’s heart started to pound. Her instincts screamed at her that something was wrong, that she should turn around. But where would she go? It was dark, and they were in the middle of nowhere. She closed her fist around the knife in her pocket.
“Asha,” Madigan said, folding his arms over his chest. “We need to chat.”
“I don’t think we do,” she replied, keeping her tone haughty despite her fear. “Shouldn’t you be jerking off somewhere right now?”
He clucked his tongue impatiently. “Let’s cut through the bullshit, hmm?”
Madigan walked toward her casually, but she knew he was watching her every move. His stance was tense, and his eyes bore into her. She didn’t like looking at him.
“Maybe you can pull the wool over Claire’s eyes,” he continued. “Maybe Kimmy’s, too. They’re both too soft for their own good. But I know better.”
“You don’t know shit,” Asha scoffed, sounding much more confident than she felt. “Just like every other Wastelander man out there, you throw your weight around and intimidate people—mostly women—to get what you want.”
Madigan smiled without humour. “You really are a piece of work, huh? You hitch your wagon to ours, and Claire takes you in out of the goodness of her heart, even after you left her for dead. And you’re not even grateful.
You treat her like trash. I’d ask what the hell’s wrong with you, but I know I’d be wasting my breath. ”
Guilt settled in the pit of Asha’s stomach—an unwelcome guest in the Wasteland.
Guilt got you killed out here; guilt was an impulse that Cade had taught her to squash.
It was also the reason she’d ended up on her own, without him, because she couldn’t live with the weight of it. Guilt had nearly killed her.
It was of no practical use, so she buried it once more, under all the other things she no longer allowed herself to feel.
“Fine,” Asha said, eager to be done with the conversation. “Let’s just agree: you’re a pig, I’m an ungrateful bitch, and be on our way.”
So quickly she couldn’t immediately process it, she found herself pinned against the nearest tree, Madigan’s hands on either side of her head.
He loomed over her, and the look in his golden-brown eyes could only be described as murderous.
His expression was a mask of contempt. She couldn’t help cowering a little, even as she hated herself for it.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” she spat.
“Trust me, I have zero desire to become the next guy whose balls you keep on a necklace somewhere.”
His breath was hot, and half his face was shrouded in darkness, which somehow only made him that much more terrifying.
“If you ever hurt Claire or my sister,” he said silkily, “I will fucking end you. You understand? I don’t give a shit about your tragic backstory; I don’t care who comes after me for it. I’ll kill you and leave you for the crows.”
Asha’s breath came in frightened little gasps. “Kimmy would hate you.”
He chuckled darkly. “Cute. You think this is my first time?” He adopted a mocking tone. “Such a tragedy that Asha stumbled off that cliff and broke every bone in her body. Or that she wandered off and was mauled by a bear. Or that she fell through that ice.”
Madigan leaned in until their noses were almost touching, and Asha flattened herself against the tree trunk.
“There won’t be a scene,” he whispered. “You’ll just disappear. And I won’t say a fucking thing. Got it?”
She just wanted him out of her face, so she gritted out, “Yes.”
To her relief, he finally backed away. As he walked back toward the camp, he turned and said, “And just to be clear, if you tell Kimmy or Claire about this…I’ll deny every fucking word.”
Madigan left her alone at last, and Asha let out the breath she’d been holding. She hated him with every fibre of her being. She hated the way he loved on Claire, buttered her up, when underneath it all, this was who he really was. This was who all the Wastelander men were, in the end.
Cade wasn’t a Wastelander, that annoying voice in her head reminded her.
But he’d been forced to live among them, to adapt to their violent, brutal way of life.
The Guardians left no room for him to be the softer, more caring man he was when they were alone.
And like her, Claire had been forced to trade herself to a violent man for protection, because there were no other options for survival.
It didn’t matter who they pretended to be when they needed to soften their women up for sex, or labour, or something else that they wanted.
What mattered was who they were when the mask slipped, and sooner or later, Claire was going to discover that her Wastelander—as she called him—was nothing more than a brute, intent on using her up and discarding her when she no longer served him.
And it wasn’t as though Asha stood in judgment of him because she thought she was better.
She knew she wasn’t. She thought of the girls at the slave market, still being sold because she’d stupidly believed a man’s promise to free them.
She’d killed for him, helped him get what he wanted, and then he let it keep happening to them.
She’d fought by his side and helped the gang on its mission.
The thought made her sick to her stomach again, and a powerful wave of self-loathing washed over her.
It was the same guilt and self-loathing that made her abandon Cade that night, even as her heart screamed at her to stay with him.
It wasn’t the kind of thing a person could live with indefinitely; it would eat her alive eventually.
It was then that she decided that she’d escape from this hellish existence in the Wasteland, one way or another. No matter what it cost her.
After all, she’d already bartered away her soul and crushed her own heart in a trembling hand. What more was there to lose?
Cold.
That was always Cade’s first thought in the mornings now.
They’d been on the road for several weeks, and it was mid-December, by his best guess.
Snow had fallen in thick flakes the night before, and he was freezing his ass off every day now as they walked across a wilderness that seemed endless.
They all were: him, Leo, Dom, and Lana and her little sister, Cassie.
That was a sticky point with him: he hadn’t wanted to bring the girls. But Lana had had other ideas.
“You owe me this,” she’d hissed at him when he’d told the women of their choice to stay or flee.
“I had a fine life before you meddled and killed Angel! You and Asha are the reason my life is fucked now, asshole, and if you have a better place for me to be at this settlement of yours, you owe it to me to take me there.”
Cade sighed. “You have a point, and I’m sorry. But it’ll be dangerous, and it’s a very long trip. We’ll probably be on the road for months before we get to Ashburn. I don’t know if that’s the best idea for you and the kid.”
Lana tsked at him. “That’s what we’d be doing anyway: wandering, looking for a place to land.
At least this way, Cassie and I will have a destination in mind, and decent men to protect us.
But if you think I’m fucking you in exchange for that protection after all this, you have another thing coming. ”
He gave a dry laugh. “Wouldn’t dream of it, darling. In any case, I only have one girl I’m interested in these days. Though I’m not sure she’ll have me, after all this.”
The PID hadn’t failed, and Cade had successfully calibrated it to latch onto Asha’s tracking beacon.
Its solar battery meant that it could be recharged easily without electricity.
That was where the good news had ended, however; she’d been so far ahead of them that he’d been worried she would move out of range in no time.
After all, she had a few weeks’ head start, even if she was mostly traveling on foot.
As a result, they’d been hightailing it for weeks to keep her from vanishing off the tracker, and they were all exhausted.
Then it snowed for the first time a week ago, and things got even worse. Food was scarcer, the cold was biting, and they had to stop for more frequent breaks. As Asha would say, fuck Canadian winter to death with a rusty chainsaw.
Cade’s temper had exploded again the other day when he’d gotten a migraine so painful that they were laid up for two days that they couldn’t afford. That was when Leo had pulled him aside into a private copse of trees, wearing his ultra-serious, I’m-a-fucking-doctor-so-listen-to-me face.
“You can’t keep going like this, Cap,” Leo said firmly, in his no-nonsense tone, like when he told patients that they had to start taking their damn medication. “This blackout rage of yours…it’s getting worse, and it’s dangerous, for us and for you. You know I’ve offered—”
“I know,” Cade snarled at him. “I don’t need therapy, doc. I need to find Asha.”
“Oh, and you think she’s going to run back into your arms if you’re spitting fire at her?” Leo shot back. “Funny, because from what you said, I thought that was why she left.”
He almost blew up again. He really did.
“Deep breath, Cade,” Leo said, his voice softer. “Do it with me.”
Rather unwillingly, Cade followed him in a breath exercise. It made him feel stupid and ashamed. He should be able to control himself better. He shouldn’t be having these bouts of anger. But he hated to admit that the breath work helped. A little.
“As I was saying,” Leo continued after he’d calmed down, “I’ve offered you psych help before.
I’m not a therapist, but I did receive more advanced psych training when they reassigned me from the civilian hospital to the military, because what you’re feeling and how you’re reacting isn’t unusual for soldiers. It’s extremely common.”
Cade let out another long breath. “I don’t like feeling out of control.”
“I know,” Leo replied emphatically. “And if you want to feel better, and you want Asha to come back to you, then you have to improve your mental health. I hate seeing you like this, and not just as a physician—as a friend. You deserve better than this, and I can at least teach you ways to help you manage things.”
Touched, Cade paused for a moment. “Alright. But if you’re gonna make me wear a daisy chain and hold my hand and make me sing kumbaya, I’m pushing you off the nearest cliff.”
Leo grinned. “Deal.”