Chapter 32
Thank God it was spring.
Cade reveled in the warmer temperature as he walked beside the wagon he was guarding.
It’d been a long fucking winter for all of them, trekking through the snow, and they all looked thin as a rail, except for the kid.
They gave Cassie most of the food they managed to get, and the rest of them tried to grin and bear it.
Because Ashburn wouldn’t be livable without major repairs, they’d decided to settle at the Post for a while. They needed supplies to rebuild, and they needed goods to trade for them, plus they needed a way to pay their way at the boarding house they were staying at.
As a result, Cade and Dom had taken on mercenary work, which was always needed at a trading post to protect shipments from bandits and gangs.
Leo offered his medical services, which paid well because there were few legitimate medical practitioners available.
Lana got work at the only tavern, a place called Longfellow’s that sold shitty stale beer to travelers and residents alike.
“Dealing with drunk men is one of my skills,” she’d said with a shrug, and for the first time in a long time, Cade had laughed out loud.
“It sure is, isn’t it?”
The boarding house they were staying in was kind of crappy—lots of roaches—but at least there were no bedbugs. Lana and Cassie shared a room, and the three soldiers shared another. It was cramped, but they worked so much—both at their jobs and at Ashburn— that it didn’t really matter.
The worst news was that Asha had disappeared off the tracker some time ago.
Before Cade’s sessions with Leo, that probably would have made him lose it again.
But (at least according to Leo) he was making good progress, and he held it together.
Even if he never saw her again, he had a new life he was building here.
Even if he worried about her constantly.
The strange thing, however, was that she wasn’t always off the tracker.
She reappeared periodically, always in odd locations, and disappeared again before Cade could reach her.
He’d taken to carrying the PID with him everywhere, checking it obsessively, but he was never near enough to meet up with her. It was infuriating.
“Eyes forward, recruit,” the big, burly guy leading the mercenaries said to him.
Cade sighed. He’d never been good at taking orders.
Asha’s relationship with Kimmy was becoming a problem.
Kimmy wanted more than Asha was willing to give, and Asha’s traitorous heart was starting to care that she was hurting this lonely, clingy woman by stringing her along.
She felt guilty now when she thought about the time she’d told Kimmy, in no uncertain terms, that Kimmy wasn’t her girlfriend.
The deep hurt—and even worse, the quiet resignation—in Kimmy’s eyes made her feel sick.
Worse, Asha knew her guilt stemmed from the fact that she actually liked Kimmy…
a lot. She was the sort of person who was easy to like: easygoing and funny, but passionate and principled.
She was a nurse who was genuinely skilled and cared about the people she treated.
She worked long, hard hours at the Valley’s clinic, and then came home and worked hard on the farm at Summerhurst. She was pretty, smart, and well-liked by almost everyone in this overly snobby community of farmers, which made her commitment to Asha that much more baffling.
In contrast to Kimmy’s warmth, Asha was quiet, withdrawn, and damaged. As if trying to lure a feral cat from its hiding spot, Kimmy kept patiently prodding the walls she’d put up, offering bits of affection as a reward. But it was never going to work.
Asha was never going to love Kimmy. How could she?
She practiced the same detachment she’d learned from her short-lived marriage to Eric.
She gave little pieces of herself—an affectionate look, an indulgent laugh, and of course, sex—to Kimmy, just enough to keep her interested and briefly satisfied.
It was how she’d survived every relationship she’d had except for Cade.
Even thinking his name hurt, which was why she avoided it as much as possible.
The well of agony inside her at his absence never ran dry.
In her quieter moments, she clutched his dog tags to her heart and endured the hard, bone-shaking sobs that came to her as she wondered what he’d say now, if he could see what she’d become.
Would he hate her? Would he be disgusted at how she’d fucked her way to survival?
But then, wasn’t that what she’d done with him, anyway? Wasn’t that all she was good at?
Even though she’d once been able to be more herself with Claire, that time was long over.
Claire didn’t understand her anymore, which she guessed was fair, since Asha barely understood herself.
You’re awful, a small voice in her head kept telling her.
You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to her and Kimmy. Madigan is right.
Self-loathing was her default setting these days, however, and so her conscience could only have so much effect.
She’d gotten used to being a disappointment at an early age, and her desperation and nihilism were the only things she had left.
In a strange way, knowing that Madigan was right about her pushed her to continue with her plan.
If she was already the worst thing that’d ever happened to Kimmy and Claire and everyone else she’d ever met, she might as well try to reach a place where she could live the rest of her miserable life in something like comfort.
Asha sighed, pushing away her thoughts, and sat in the soft spring grass just outside the Post. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the Valley radio she’d traded Zach a bunch of sloppy blowjobs for.
He’d been way too easy to manipulate after that first rendezvous between them; he’d been practically giddy about stealing the radio for her, after she’d promised him that he could come with her to the Delta.
The lure of adventure for a kid who’d grown up in an isolated farming community was too tempting.
It wasn’t true, of course—they’d never take him in—but she didn’t worry herself too much about that.
“Urgent message for the Delta compound,” she said, slowly and clearly into the mouthpiece, depressing the talk button. “From a fellow compound resident. Over.”
Nothing but static in reply, but she tried again. And again. For hours.
At last, she threw aside the radio in despair, tears choking her. She’d try again another day. It had to work.
It had to.
Cade was tired walking back toward the Post with Leo from a medical job.
He’d gone with Leo to watch his back, since the patients weren’t exactly upstanding citizens.
Thankfully, there’d been no trouble. He couldn’t wait to go back to their camp just outside the walls and pass out, even though it was mid-afternoon.
The good news was that his days as a mercenary were finally coming to an end.
The last couple months had been productive, and they’d gotten Ashburn back to a livable state.
The way he felt seeing it again, nestled in between the hills, with its small crystalline lake and fishing cabins, was indescribable.
Waves of grief broke over him, but with it came a sense of hope.
A second chance. A new start.
He still missed Asha terribly, like a hole in his heart, and he worried about her constantly.
She’d appeared more times on the PID, but again, he’d never been able to catch up to her before she disappeared again.
He didn’t know how she kept disappearing, but he lived for those moments when he saw her little red dot moving on the screen. Proof that she was still alive.
Dom had brought Lana and Cassie there the night before and gotten them set up in a cabin. They’d also started to convert one of the spare cabins into a medical clinic for Leo.
“All in all, not a bad day,” Leo said briskly at his side.
“Yeah,” Cade sighed. “Could’ve be worse.”
Out of habit more than anything, he unclipped the PID from his belt and checked it wistfully. He didn’t expect to see her, and he certainly didn’t expect her little red dot to appear in the woods, just outside the Post. Maybe twenty minutes away. Less if he hurried.
He audibly gasped, and automatically started running.
“Cap?” Leo called after him, alarmed. “Hold on! What is it?”
Cade ignored him and kept sprinting. He heard a rare curse from Leo behind him, but he didn’t care.
Only Asha mattered now.
All was dark, and there was a ringing in Asha’s ears that wouldn’t abate. The tall grass beneath her itched, and the crows wouldn’t stop circling overhead, cawing incessantly. Soon, she thought idly, they’d have a feast.
She was bleeding. Her black tank top was soaked and sticky, and her vision kept blurring and doubling as she lay facedown in the grass. It was alright—there wasn’t much to see besides the corpse of that idiot Jameson kid.
However much she hated Madigan, she somehow couldn’t muster up enough animosity to blame him for killing her.
He’d discovered her plan, had followed her and Zach into the woods by the Post, and after shooting Zach, he’d shot her, too.
The bullet had burst through the flesh and sinew between her chest and shoulder, blowing her open.
Then he’d left her there for dead. Worse, the Delta had never even replied to her radio calls. She was a failure.
She’d have done the same in Madigan’s position, and if she was honest with herself, she wondered if this hadn’t been her ultimate goal all along.
If this entire mission had been some dark death wish, some sad, pathetic form of suicide for a person too cowardly to do it herself.
She was a traitor, just like Cade. Just like every person who wanted to survive in this terrible world she’d discovered the day the Cave was destroyed.
As her life drained away, Asha couldn’t help but be relieved that it was almost over.
Dying was less than ideal, but at least she might finally know some peace.
It was what she’d been desperately seeking all this time, after all, in her own twisted way.
Her only regret was that she’d never see Cade’s face ever again.
No matter how much he’d hurt her, she still ached for him.
For the foolish trust she’d once had in him.
She tried to imagine his voice—the soft, entreating one he’d used with her after sex. Soothing her, caring for her. She closed her eyes for what she was sure was the last time, trying to hold him in her mind as she met her end.
But then, something changed. Through the ringing in her ears, she heard frantic footsteps approaching, someone’s heavy breathing.
“God fucking damn it, Asha,” a familiar voice gritted out. “Who fucking did this to you?”
She groaned in pain as large hands turned her over in the grass, exposing the blood pooling on the ground beneath her. Her vision blurred again, but there seemed to be a man kneeling over her. Cade’s voice was low and furious as he repeated his question.
“Dunno,” she managed to murmur. It wasn’t true, but she didn’t want Cade to get himself killed for nothing.
There was no saving her. She didn’t even have the energy to wonder how on Earth he got there.
But if he was the last person she ever got to see, she was glad of it.
Even after everything that’d happened, his presence made her feel safe.
“We need to stop the bleeding,” Leo’s voice barked, calm and focused. “Apply pressure while I get my tools out.”
Asha groaned loudly in pain as Cade pressed his hand hard into her bullet wound. Leo worked quickly, with a frantic energy, talking to her in a steady stream, but she couldn’t understand his words. All she understood was that he was pulling her back from the place where she might find peace.
“No,” she mumbled, pushing weakly against him. “Leave me.”
She struggled against them. Cade swore loudly and grabbed her wrists.
“Stop, my angel,” he ordered, in the same measured, calm way he’d once ordered her submission. That tone of his voice that arrested her senses and her ability to reason, that made her trust him implicitly.
As if her body knew its master, Asha stopped fighting him.
“She’s bleeding out too quickly,” Leo said, sounding hollow. “I…don’t think this is fixable, Cap. Not here.”
“Here is what we have, doc,” Cade snarled. “Save her. Whatever it fucking takes. We did not come this far just to give up now!”
“Look—”
“No!” Cade bellowed, and he sounded almost crazed now, like a wounded animal. “This was not for nothing, Leo! It can’t be. It…it can’t…”
Asha realized distantly that he was crying, and that alarmed her more than anything else did at the moment. She’d never heard him sound so deeply distressed, and it hurt her heart, even after six months away from him.
“Alright,” she heard Leo say definitively. “There’s one last thing we can try. But we’ll have to move her quickly after, back to the camp.”
“Done.” Cade voice broke on the word.
Through her blurry vision, Asha watched Leo bend over her with a syringe in hand, the red emergency label—Regenerex—on the side.
A second later, she screamed in agony as he stabbed it into her wound and pushed the plunger down.
The pain made darkness descend in her vision, and she barely registered Cade hoisting her into his arms and carrying her away from the forest clearing.