Daisy #2
“Even now that you’re here and I’ve screwed things up so badly that you don’t want me anymore, when I close my eyes”—I do it now because I want to see her, even the half picture that she’s become, a memory of a memory, a feeling more than anything—“and I imagine bringing you home to meet my family, it’s them I see.
It’s her. I didn’t want that to not be true.
I wanted to live in that in-between space a little longer, where I could pretend it was possible for you to meet them if things were different. ”
I can’t bring myself to open my eyes, to find out what Beau will do with my broken heart after I’ve just pulled it from my chest and asked him to hold it.
I’m not the happy, wild, carefree woman he fell in love with.
It’s an act to mask a childish emptiness I should have outgrown long ago.
I’ve spent the last ten years pretending I’m okay, and I don’t know who I’ll be if I stop.
Chardonneigh suddenly tosses her head and paws at the earth, and I sense Beau dismounting. I open my eyes, keeping them low, and hold on to the pommel as he takes the reins of his horse and mine, then leads them to a tree where he can secure them safely.
He reaches up and helps me down, and when my feet are on the ground, he pulls me against his chest, holds my head against his heart, and strokes my hair.
“Darlin’,” he says. “I didn’t know. I wish I did. I’m sorry. I hate to see you like this, and it’s my fault.”
I breathe him in, hold him tight, and let myself collapse against his firm, familiar frame.
“No. I’m sorry. I tried to keep you close and push you away at the same time. It’s my fault you didn’t know how much I loved you. Still love you.” My voice falls. Admitting I love him is the easy part, but it’s not the whole truth. “And I don’t want to lose you again.”
His chest rises and falls with a deep breath. I don’t have the courage to look up and see what my confession has done to him. I’m not sure I’m ready for what it might do to me.
“You’re not going to lose me,” he whispers, and I tighten my arms around his waist.
We hold each other in silence for a while, and I let myself be soothed by Beau’s heat and strength.
I’ve missed this. I’ve always been independent.
I like to figure things out for myself, because that’s been the safest way to exist. But now, I let my eyes drift shut.
The sun warms my back as Beau’s breathing slows.
The moment turns from my needing to be regulated to something more mutual. And natural. And right.
“My mom would have loved you,” I whisper, and his hand moves over my hair. “And my dad would’ve acted tough for thirty seconds before treating you like another son. That’s what we’re missing out on.”
Beau’s body curls around mine, his exhale heavy with regret. “I wish I’d met them.”
“Me too.”
Eventually, Beau shifts, and I self-consciously let my arms fall and step back. “So, what now?”
He huffs an overwhelmed laugh and removes his hat just to run a hand through his hair and put it back again. “Hell if I know.”
That makes me smile, and he returns it with a wink.
“But I do know I don’t want to walk away from this again,” he adds.
Hope explodes in my chest, followed quickly by a flickering flame of fear.
“Healing won’t happen overnight,” he continues carefully. “We hurt each other badly, and it’ll take more than one conversation to rewire the judgments I made about what happened between us. To forgive myself for what I did. To rewrite the reasons why you did what you did.”
“I know. It’s the same for me. I’ve spent a lot of time hating you.”
“And I’ve spent a lot of time hating myself.”
The sadness in his voice makes it hard to swallow. “What we had was so perfect,” I say. “How is it possible we screwed it up so badly?”
His mouth quirks into an almost-smile. “Maybe we could be just as good at fixing it.”
My heart skips. “Do you want to fix it?”
His smile is cautious. “I do.”
I set a hand on my middle as my stomach flips. “But where would we start?”
“Well.” Beau loops a finger into my jeans and tugs me closer, and my heart skips a beat. “We might have taken the long way round, and you might have done all you can to keep me from setting foot on this ranch, but I’m here now, aren’t I?”
I slide my hands up his arms, feeling the lines of his muscles to remind me this isn’t a dream. “You are.”
“So… show me this place?”
I blink. “What?”
“Show me the parts you were too scared to share before.” He lifts my chin with a finger, his brow earnest. “And maybe that way, your parents don’t have to miss this after all.”
My throat tightens again. “I’d love that.”
“And as for the rest of your family…” He grimaces. “Well, they hate my guts.”
I laugh wetly, feeling lighter. “You’re not wrong.”
He pretends to scowl. “Thanks. That’s comforting.”
“But it’s only because they don’t know you yet,” I say as I pull my phone from my pocket. “And I know the perfect way to change that.”
He lifts a thick eyebrow. “What’s that?”
“You’ll see.”
My thumbs fly as I tap out a text to Poppy.
Me:
Think you can talk to Izzy and snag invitations to family game night for Beau and Ollie?
Poppy:
Why? What’s going on?
Me:
I’ll explain later. But can you swing it?
Poppy:
I think Izzy will love the idea, but let me check with her and get back to you.
My niece manages the guest list for Davenport family game nights, and nobody gets in without her approval, but I have a feeling this is a slam dunk.
My phone pings, and I hold up a finger when Beau tries to ask me again what’s going on. “Hold that thought.”
Poppy:
They’re in.
Nervous anticipation leaps in my pulse. “You’re not scared of my brothers, are you?”
Beau snorts. “No.”
“Good.” I flip the phone to show Beau.
“Family game night?” he says. “What’s that?”
“My niece hosts these parties to gather the entire family in one room at one time. We eat. We torment each other. We play games. It’s fun.”
His eyes widen slightly. “Tomorrow?”
My heart beats wildly. “If we’re doing this, maybe we need to stop running from it.”
He stares at me for a long moment and then reaches for my face. “Are you sure?”
Not at all. I’m terrified. But the way his thumbs caress my face, terrified starts to feel a lot like balancing on the precipice of a new adventure.
So I nod and say yes, and when he kisses me, it feels serious enough to believe that maybe we really can find our way back.