Wednesday, 7 March 2035
Things That Have Bloody Annoyed Me This Morning:
The one single hair that was across my vision and that I couldn’t brush away for ages.
The thought of chewing a bit of wood.
My unshaven legs.
The dripping tap in my bathroom.
My dead mum.
I knew the second I raised the alarm, I’d have to face this head on.
I knew the second the paramedics came up that driveway or Heather let herself in and embraced me and stroked my hair as she normally did, I’d have to admit this was happening.
But while Mum was there, on the sofa, asleep, it wasn’t.
I still had her and everything was normal, and I wouldn’t have to leave.
So I pretended it hadn’t happened. That was how I coped with it – I just pretended she was asleep.
‘Morning,’ I said, more to the lounge wall than to her. ‘Do you fancy some breakfast? I’ll do some granola, shall I? With yoghurt and blueberries? I ordered some frozen ones on the last delivery – I’ll defrost them.’
I walked out to the kitchen and started making the granola.
I flicked the radio on and did everything I normally would, one step at a time.
Scooped out the oats. Scooped out the yoghurt.
Defrosted some blueberries in the microwave.
When I came back into the lounge, I flicked the TV on and propped Mum up, like I normally did.
She leant against the side of the sofa like she had just nodded off.
Only difference was that instead of boiling hot, she was stone cold.
I tucked the blanket in around her like a nest.
‘Do you want the news on or … ? I’ll put the news on.
See what’s going on in the world.’ I changed the channel and set the remote down on the arm next to her, grabbing her by the wrist to place her hand next to it, like she had changed the channel herself.
Her skin was ice-cold and stiff, like frozen meat.
I prodded her arm, brushed my fingers across her cheek.
I always knew this day would come; I just never thought I’d be living it, right now.
The doorbell clanged, making me jump out of my skin.
‘Jesus Fucking Wept!’ I cried, padding out to the hallway and closing the lounge door behind me.
Meg, the morning-shift carer, stood on the doormat, behind the frosted glass.
I steeled myself, tried breathing through my nose and out my mouth a few times.
The bell buzzed again making my chest clench.
‘Hi, Meg,’ I said sprightly.
‘Hello, Ivy, what are you doing here? No school?’ She started wiping her feet on the doormat like she was coming in.
‘No, no, actually I’m staying home all day to revise, so I’ll look after Mum today. I’ll get her washed and dressed and—’
‘I’m being paid to do all that, Ivy, you don’t need to worry—’
‘NO!’ I shouted. ‘I can manage, Meg. You’ll still be paid.’
Meg took a step back and frowned at me. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Everything’s fine. I just want to be with my mum today, all right?
I don’t want anyone disturbing us. Please.
I don’t have a lot of time left with her so …
just for today.’ She gave me The Look everyone gives me when I lose my temper slightly; it’s the look that says, Oh, here we go, that’s Sweetpea’s daughter all right, just a matter of time before she takes off some poor bastard’s penis.
Yeah, I knew about that as well. It pisses me off when people look at me like that. It’s like they know me.
‘Of course, love, of course,’ said Meg, taking another step back. ‘I completely understand. ‘I’ll be back in the morning, all right?’
‘Fine. And can you call the others off as well, please? I think it’s Cathy at lunchtime and Jane was going to do bedtime, but I can do all that today.’
‘If you’re sure, Ivy?’
‘I am. Bye.’
I pretty much slammed the door in her face and fumbled the chain on before she could say another word. I waited a moment while she lingered outside, attempting to peek through the lounge curtains, which, thankfully, I hadn’t opened yet, and eventually pootled off in her mint-green Aygo.
I realised then all I had to deal with was school but that was no bother – I knew the passcode to Mum’s phone, and I was highly skilled at faking her voice to fool the secretary whenever I needed time off.
‘Uh, yes, hallo there, Mrs Wheeler, it’s Claudia Silverton here.
I’m just calling to say that Ivy Silverton won’t be attending today.
She’s come down with a rawther nasty bug I’m afraid …
yes, she was very sick last night, and I think I’ve come down with it this morning as well, so it appears to be highly infectious.
I wouldn’t want any of the other girls exposed to it.
Thanks a million, I do appreciate it. Buh-bye now. Buh-bye.’
I looked at Mum – she remained exactly how I had propped her up, hand by the remote, ice cold, eyes closed in her blanket nest. Her lips were blue.
I’d never seen a dead body before. I’ve seen our cats get put down.
Well, two of them. But it wasn’t the same.
The vet pumped some yellow liquid through their catheters and they did a huffing thing and their eyes rolled over white and then they lay still.
It wasn’t scary. It wasn’t scary with Mum either.
It was just strange. Strange to lie on the phone to the school right in front of her.
I could say anything and she wouldn’t move a muscle.
At lunchtime, I had a missed call from Chloe. I called her back.
‘Hey.’
‘Ivy? What’s happened? Where are you?’
‘Home. I’m not feeling well.’
‘Our lessons have been suspended. Mr Andrews is dead, did you know?’
‘Uh, yeah.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing.’
‘You said you’re not feeling well?’
‘Periods. What have you been up to?’
‘Not much. We were at church getting set up for the charity fundraiser at the weekend.’
‘Thanks for the invite.’
‘It was really dull. A load of boring old church farts and stuff. You’d have been so bored, Ivy, honestly. And we went for a carvery after with my aunt and uncle so there was a lot of meat around.’
‘I don’t mind being around meat, so long as nobody shoves it down my neck. I’d like to meet the rest of your family. I’ve only ever met your dad.’
‘You will one day.’
‘Don’t be like that.’
‘Like what?’
‘Forget it.’
After a few seconds of silence, she said, ‘So what happened?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘With Andrews. Oh God, Ivy, you didn’t do anything, did you? Tell me you didn’t do it, please.’
‘Of course I didn’t do it,’ I harsh-whispered. ‘Why are you crying?’
‘Because … there was a sweet pea carved into his skin!’ she hissed. ‘It’s in the paper my dad gets.’
‘It wasn’t definitely a sweet pea. The artist’s impression on the news made it look more like a pansy, actually.’
‘Was it you?’
‘Do you honestly think I’m capable of that? You were there on the netball court when I fainted after Jodie Effingham’s nosebleed. And when Rose Burns cut her wrist in biology. Ugh, I can still see it going drip drip drip onto the floor …’
‘But you hated him. Everyone heard what you said – how you said it. Your eyes went black. Next thing I know, our classes are being suspended cos he’s been stabbed and there’s a flower carved into his chest. It’s like something she’d do.’
‘Well, it’s not something I’d do, okay?’
‘So who was it then?’
It was stinging on the tip of my tongue to tell her. I told her everything else. I had shared with her my innermost private thoughts over the past eleven months. But now for some reason I did not want anyone knowing what I knew.
‘I don’t know,’ I said eventually. ‘I set out to go and see him but I went to the arcades instead. The idea ran out of steam. Good job I didn’t go, isn’t it – who knows what might have happened. He could have killed me too!’
‘Who’s “he”?’
‘Whoever killed Andrews.’
‘How do you know it was a he?’
‘Law of averages and all that.’ I was blushing by this point so I was glad she couldn’t see me. As if by magic, the blush cooled the second I caught sight of Mum in the lounge, still in the armchair, still unmoved. ‘Look, I have to go – Mum needs me.’
‘Okay, yeah, sorry. I wasn’t accusing you or anything. I think I’m just a bit freaked out by it all. How is your mum today?’
‘She’s absolutely fine. Okay well byeee!’
I ended the call and went back in the lounge to sit with her.
I could still hear that irritating way I’d said ‘byeee’ into the phone echoing all around the house.
No way was Chloe going to accept that. But at that moment I didn’t care.
I was entitled to be a little odd today, wasn’t I?
I sat beside Mum and stared at her for the longest time – whole hours passed.
She was there, like always, but gone, like never before.
Beside me, but far away. A memory flashed up of being at nursery and her coming to pick me up.
I was sitting at one of the little tables with a friend and we were colouring in, and when I looked up, Mum was there and she was crying.
She said it was because she was happy I was having a good time.
Must have been my first day. Maybe it wasn’t.
Either way I’ve never forgotten it, because for such a long time I didn’t understand why me being happy made her sad.
Now I know. It was because I was okay without her.
I couldn’t fathom at that moment how I would ever be okay again.
‘Mum,’ I said. Not a flicker. ‘I’m a lesbian.’
Nothing.
Well, that was easier than expected. ‘And I fingered Chloe on your bed once. And I wank at least three times a week, sometimes more if the feeling takes me.’
Still nothing.
‘I used your account to buy those sex toys that time. You weren’t hacked. I didn’t think you’d check. And you know when I was six and you caught me and Jemima Pickles in the Wendy house doing amateur gynaecology with the plastic knives and forks? That was my idea, not hers.’