Chapter 15
Things That Have Bloody Annoyed Me Today:
The pilot of the plane that brought the three Australians to the UK.
My ‘grandmother’ Melissa, my mum’s sister, for dogging me up and down every time she thought I wasn’t looking.
My step-aunt Jordanna for being too nice.
My ‘step-grandfather’ Larry who smells.
The sound of acrylic nails on a phone screen (Melissa again).
The bulb in the oven now that I’ve changed it and it’s too bright.
Heather, Mum’s solicitor, for being a big fat abandoner.
Three brand-new humans stood in the hallway in front of an open door and a pile of assorted bags and battered suitcases. All three gazed up at the pictures of me, all up the grand staircase in various school productions, like they were at the Vatican.
‘Hi,’ I said with a wave, seeing as none of them were going to speak first.
My ‘grandmother’ Melissa seemed to start up like that mechanical doll in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
‘Aww, Ivy, it’s so nice to meet you finally, darl! Come and give your old granny a hug …’ She didn’t move so I guessed it was my task to do that. You can tell a lot by the way a person hugs and what this one told me was that she couldn’t wait for it to be over.
There was a horrible smell coming from somewhere too but at that moment it wasn’t something to be concerned about.
Melissa started introducing the others – one being a short-arsed unshaven guy chaining M Oh, your dad used to take the stairs two at a time too; Oh, your dad used to love showers rather than baths as well – but apart from that, we were still strangers by Day Three.
Every time I entered a room, I got the feeling they had to stop what they were talking about.
At least twice I walked in when they were studying Mum’s Capodimonte or fiddling with the catch on her jewellery box.
And once I happened to walk in when the TV advert came on for Rhiannon’s prison interview.
I’d never seen Melissa move so fast as she did to switch the channel, like the room was going to blow up if she didn’t.