Chapter 4
DIANA
Iwatch the world fly by through the half-open door of this freight car, the wheels clattering beneath us.
I actually forgot to mention to everyone how much trains scare the shit out of me.
In the haze of survival, I shut out all memories of witnessing what these wheels can do.
There have been at least three instances of people making it to our ward with an amputation because they got either stuck on the railway, or it was a suicide gone wrong.
Shoot, one was a severed foot when they tried to jump and misjudged the speed. They were lucky they had a makeshift tourniquet and a terribly cauterized wound. Our job was mostly to control any infections that settled in.
Only one of them survived their injuries.
I can’t stop imagining myself falling out. Can’t stop seeing my body tumbling, catching on metal as a body part gets lopped off in a spray of arterial red.
The images are vivid enough to make my stomach lurch.
The presence of fear seems to increase the sensation of Judge in my chest, like he’s desperate to soothe me from afar. To remind me just how comforting an alpha’s purr can be.
He’s so desperate to control me.
But whatever it is, it’s hard to ignore.
Sometimes I’ll genuinely zone out, my consciousness descending from my mind to my chest, sinking down through muscle and bone until I’m nothing but the bond.
And there he is, alive and insistent, pulling me back to him.
Some terrible, treacherous part of me thinks I wouldn’t have to worry about falling out if Judge were here.
Because it’s an alpha’s job to predict and protect.
Even if he just wants to control me, he’d control the threats, too.
He’d ensure everything was secure. Or at least, he’d ensure I was secure. His hand would be on my wrist, or my waist, or the back of my neck, anchoring me, holding me still. He wouldn’t let me fall. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me.
He also would make sure I only know his narrative.
My clarity usually returns when Rebecca makes low, guttural moans, like the kind someone makes when infected with influenza. Her face is slick with sweat, her skin waxen and clammy. She’s curled up near the drum, Jess hovering over her with a rag, trying to offer comfort that clearly isn’t working.
Whatever they’re doing to Jack is not good.
At the behest of my mate, too…
A sense of rage brings me back to reality.
Did he not consider what this would do to Rebecca?
Or is this hurting Rebecca so much because they’re dark bonded?
Selene nears Rebecca, taking over for Jess.
Her movements are gentle, almost maternal, but there’s a helplessness in her eyes that I recognize.
There’s no fixing whatever a dark bond does to someone. It’s notorious and banned by so many for reasons just like this.
It’s inhumane.
Glancing out the slightly open door, my body jostling slightly, I watch snowflakes aggressively float in, melting in the air.
We leave it cracked to bring in fresh air, the cold mixing with the warmth.
The scene outside is a frozen, blurry image, turning the landscape into indistinct smears of gray and white, the blackness of bare trees haunting us.
We’re utterly fucked if we get kicked off of this thing.
I let my mind float away, bundled in these furs, the weight of them pressing down on my shoulders like hands trying to hold me in place.
Is there safety out there, ever?
Safety.
It’s like the agony of it all is settling over a glass dome that surrounds my heart, with the only thing penetrating being the ache of the tether.
That desire to zone out returns, pulling at me like an undertow.
Judge…
I stiffen the moment Selene comes over and sits beside me, as if she’s doing rounds. A slow, deep inhale makes me sit up straight, not realizing she made her way over.
“How have you been?” she gently asks. She can be a bit thickheaded, but she does have some excellent bedside manners when she needs to.
“I’ll be honest, I’m dying to ask a thousand questions.
But I get it if you need space. He’s a monster for what he’s done to you, Diana.
It’s like you’re going through something similar over here, too. ”
A few snowflakes land on my face, cold little pinpricks that disappear as soon as they touch warmth.
“I hate the omega in me,” I confess, knowing I need to talk to someone.
“I always knew that these hormones were powerful, but without suppressants, I just, I didn’t really get a choice…
I don’t know, it’s like I woke up one day and was a slave to his presence.
Like whoever I was before didn’t matter, as he became everything. ”
Selene’s jaw clenches. I can see the muscles working beneath her skin, the way her teeth grind together. “Don’t blame yourself, you here? I’m not sure you ever stood much of a chance when near him. He told me you’re his scent match.”
My eyes widen as if searching for a verdict in her eyes, and it’s clear that I don’t think she will disown me. “Won the lottery with that one,” I say, looking off.
Without any real transition, we both begin to laugh, which rolls into even more laughter, and for a splendid moment, it feels like old times.
Like we’re back at the Enclave, trading stories over tea, making jokes to lighten up this world.
That sensation doesn’t last long, of course, the quiet that follows heavier than before, thick with all the things we’re not saying.
“I left because I saw him with another omega.” The words are practically forced out of me. “One that’s freaking obsessed with him. She was sitting on his lap at a gathering with ‘Judge’s Property’ on her back. You know, because they take people on as property when they’re serious with you.”
The image rises with a sharp, humiliating stab in the gut. Roxy, all pretty and perfect, draped across Judge like she owned him. Like I didn’t exist. Like I was nothing.
Nothing to him.
Selene’s eyes flash with rage. “Oh, that fucker.” She scoffs, shaking her head, licking chapped lips. “I’m sorry he did that to you, Diana. That you’re stuck with him as a scent match. He deserves to have his balls chopped off.”
It’s odd that his literal balls flash through my mind, rather than just talking about him like he’s an imaginary figure. No, I know the way his skin feels. The way he smells. The way his hands move. How there’s a massive divot in his skin on his back from a deep, scarred wound.
“I don’t know why it hurt so bad when I saw it.
It’s not like it’s out of character for him,” I say, sucking in a breath that feels too thin, trying not to fall back into details of him.
“I honestly didn’t stick around to find out what the hell he was doing.
I was too afraid he’d find a way to manipulate me if he got hold of me.
Use his growl, or the tether, to make me forget what I saw.
Or to have a perfect explanation that’s only meant to calm me down.
" I suck in another breath. “God, I’m so weak for him when he’s around.
I knew I couldn’t let myself get near him again. I knew it.”
I aggressively wipe a tear that drops from my eye, pursing my lips and trying to blink the other tears away.
Selene reaches for my arm, her grip firm and grounding. “Don’t worry, Diana. Whatever you felt, that was just hormones. Biology and all that bullshit. He didn’t steal you. He doesn’t own who you are as a person.”
That glass dome seems to seal over again, thick and impenetrable. Because some part of me knows damn well that there were feelings in there from me. Not just because Judge made them happen, not from the engagers or the purring.
I actually started to have real fucking affection for that hulking asshole.
I’m such an idiot!
“I just want to rip my scent gland out,” I say quietly, staring at my pink, dry fingers from the cold.
“Find out how the Witch Doctor removes mates.” I lift only my gaze to examine Rebecca, who is sleeping fitfully next to Jess, her face twisted in pain even in unconsciousness.
“I really want to help her, too. She’s the reason I have this freedom at all.
I mean, you and Jess are huge in this too, but she’s the one who reached me.
Who somehow got past Judge.” I cringe at myself.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to sound like you didn’t matter—”
“It’s okay, girl. I get it,” she says with a kindness in her eyes that I trust.
I settle back against the wall, my eyes closing.
As my mind settles, that low, deep hum of Judge latched in my soul beckons for me to recall how his purr sounds, to reminisce on his scent that’s already fading in the shirt… to heed the call of my mate.
That night, I had a nightmare.
I’m back at the Iron Castle, and Roxy is laughing at me.
The sound is high and cruel, echoing off the worn walls that seem to close in with every breath.
Judge sits behind her, watching with those who see everything and give nothing away.
I try to run, my legs pumping, my heart slamming against my ribs, but every door I open takes me back to the attic. Over and over. A loop I can’t escape.
Until, for some illogical reason only found in dreams, I enter the attic like it might help. Then I hear his footsteps.
Judge enters.
He smells of her. The scent is foreign and cloying, disgustingly mixing with his.
And yet I pause, because his eyes are pleading, desperate in a way I’ve never seen.
He’s yelling something at me, his mouth moving, his face twisted in anguish, but I can’t hear him.
The words are drowned out by the roar of blood in my ears, by the pounding of my own heart.
Until the faint echo of my name pierces through the noise, flavored by the grovel of his voice.
Diana…