Chapter 11
Macie
Talking to the cops was harder than I imagined it would be. Before Darren and I left the station, I was promised that they'd be on the lookout for Gerald. It should make me feel better, but it doesn't.
"You don't have to go home, you know."
I glance up from where I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher.
Sitting around doing nothing was wearing on my nerves, and Darren's letting me stay here, so the least I can do is help with chores.
"I can't stay here forever," I argue. "You have a life, and a daughter.
You go back to work the day after tomorrow. "
He hums in his throat. "I do, but that doesn't mean you can't stay here."
In just the few hours I've been here, it's felt like home.
My apartment that I've lived in for the past four years doesn't. It's hard to admit that, because I've tried to live my best life, but it's always felt like something was missing.
A hole that I could never fill. It wasn't gaping, necessarily, but it was there.
And from the moment I stepped into this house, it started to close.
"I don't know Darren, it might be confusing to Nicole. "
"You let me worry about that. You're not going back to work the day after tomorrow, are you?" He questions, his dark gaze looking at me pointedly.
"No, I got a text from my supervisor that they want me off until the bruising starts to go away."
"Don't." His voice is strong and demanding. "Don't look down at the ground like this is your fault. You're blaming yourself and there's absolutely nothing you could've done to prevent this."
Realistically I know he's right, but there's a lot of guilt I feel, too. "I know."
"Do you? Because I'm worried that you don't. I've talked to a lot of victims and survivors. There's always a little sliver of guilt that lives within them, and I don't want you to have that."
I swallow roughly around the tightness in my throat.
"You're right, I do have a little bit of guilt.
There's a part of me that thinks if I'd just let the man believe he might be able to see his child, all of this would've been different," I start.
"I'm really worried that I've made things worse for the mother. "
"Police are taking care of her," he says quietly, crossing his arms across his chest. "They have officers posted, until Gerald is arrested."
That's such a relief that I put my hand on the counter to prop myself up. "I've been so worried that they're in danger."
"They are, and so are you." His voice is clipped. "I don't want to scare you, but you should be aware that he's not been arrested yet. Which is why I'm trying to convince you to stay here instead of going home."
Those words hit me right in the chest. He's correct, as long as Gerald is out in the world, there's no telling what he might do. "Okay, can you at least take me by so I can get some of my clothes and toiletries?"
"Yeah, I'll get Ella to come stay with Nic."
"I can go by myself," I argue, needing some sense of self back. I've always been so independent. Having to depend on someone is annoying and not what I'm used to.
"The fuck you will. That's not happening. I'm not letting you go over there by yourself."
"I can ask Dakota," I give him an easy out, because I'm still not completely sure he's not just being nice to me.
His eyes darken. "No, no you're not going to ask Dakota. If you need help, I'm going to be the one to help you."
"I just don't want you to feel like you have to," I admit, pulling my bottom lip in between my teeth, hating the fact that my vulnerabilities are showing. I've never been the type of person who had to ask for help, and now since I showed up on his doorstep, all I've done is ask for help.
I watch as he spreads his feet so that he's down on my level and can look into my eyes.
"I've never done anything because I've felt like I had to, Macie.
Not even when my marriage was ending and I knew it would be easier to let my ex-wife have Nic.
But that wasn't what was fair to Nicole, and it wasn't what I wanted. I don't take the easy way out. Ever."
All of this, I know. He's the steadiest man I know when it comes to being there for the people he cares about. I just didn't realize that I was one of those people. "I know you're there for your people, but I didn't realize I was one of them," I admit, almost embarrassed, because it means so much.
"Fuck."
The rough sound of his voice surprises me.
"The fact that we've been hanging out for a few months, and you don't know you're one of my people guts me." He closes his eyes. "It just reinforces that I have a hard time trusting people and showing them what they mean to me, since I got divorced. I apologize for that."
"It's okay." This is one of the things I hate about myself. If someone apologizes I feel as if I have to accept it.
"No it's not. I don't believe in getting let off easy.
" He reaches back, scratching his neck. "My marriage left me with scars I'm not sure I'll ever want to discuss.
Which compounded the abandonment issues I have, even though I was adopted by a really great family.
It's not hard to be myself with Nicole. She's my favorite person in the world.
She expects a lot of me, but I never want to let her down.
So I make sure I come through with her where it counts. "
He's such a damn good dad. "Which you should. She's your priority."
"She is, but I'm beginning to learn that I need to be my priority too.
You don't know how much it kills me to think you might not have come to me when you needed help.
Like what would have happened if you'd just gone home and not trusted me enough?
" His touch is soft as he reaches forward to cup my jaw.
"All of this probably seems like not a big deal to you, but it is to me. "
I don't know what to say to his words, but he keeps on.
"What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't have questioned it. You should've known."
"I did," I interrupt him. "There was never any doubt in my mind where I needed to go in order to feel safe.
No matter how standoffish you can appear to others, I've always known that you'd keep anyone who needed it, safe.
I might have wanted to hide what happened to me from you, but I was never scared to come here. "
What I've said seems to have made a difference for him, his eyes which had been shielded, and his mouth which had been pinched is now relaxed. "Then maybe I'm not as closed off as I thought I was."
"Oh no," I laugh. "You're definitely closed off, but I've learned a lot about you since we first met."
"You have huh?"
"Yeah, I don't think I ever would've imagined I'd be here with you right now if I based it on our fist meeting."
He throws his head back laughing. "Yeah, it was not my finest moment."
"It wasn't mine either." I grin, thinking back to how we first met.
I'd been sitting at the bar at The Lean To, wondering what in the hell I was doing there.
To be honest, I'd been ready to pay my tab and leave, when I felt someone bump me from behind and wetness start trickling down my back.
Darren had been bumped, and had hit me while holding his drink.
"The way you jumped up, turned around, and slapped me across the face surprised the hell out of me," he says, his eyes warming at the memory.
My smile wavers. "I'm completely excited that the two of us met that way, because it's turned into this. What I'm annoyed about is..." I trail off.
"Tell me. Tell me what's going through your mind."
Admitting all of this to him feels awkward, and uncomfortable.
However, if there's one thing I've learned in all of this, it's that I'm going to need to be uncomfortable to get what I want.
"Like you said, I jumped up, turned around, and slapped you without thought.
I wasn't worried about my safety, wasn't scared that it would come back to haunt me, if you decided to throw hands back.
Why didn't I do that with Gerald? Why didn't I fight? " My chin trembles.
"Because, when we're approached in the way you were, there are a few things that can happen.
Two of those are fight or flight. I firmly believe we know almost immediately what type of situation we're in, and we'll react with our gut.
That's why you didn't fight. Your first thought was more than likely flight.
Instead of standing there and arguing with him, you were probably looking for a way out.
" He reaches forward, steadying my chin with his thumb.
"Maybe I was, but that didn't mean that I couldn't fight back."
The noise he makes in the back of his throat is one I want to hear all the time.
"I'm glad you didn't," he admits, running the thumb back and forth against my skin.
"If you had, it would have angered him more, and I'm afraid he would've hurt you worse.
So while you were hurt, and I'm insanely angry and sorry about it, I'm glad he didn't hurt you any more than he did. "
I swallow hard, trying to push the tightness in my throat back. "I am too." And it's at this moment that I stop trying to fight what's been happening between the two of us for months. I don't tell him those words though, I say something else. "Alright, let's go to my apartment and get what I need."
The smile that spread across his face is one of the best things I've ever seen.