Chapter Twenty-One
Arden
It’s getting harder and harder to pretend with Danika. Pretend like I never wanted to stop that kiss. Pretend like every minute I spend with her doesn’t make me want to spend more and more. Pretend like having dinner and watching TV together every night doesn’t feel insanely domestic and wonderful.
The last thing I want to do is scare her off but I don’t know if I can keep up what we’re doing right now without falling deeper and deeper down the Danika rabbithole. I knew this whole living together thing would be difficult, but the fake dating has just made it one hundred times harder.
Does she actually have feelings for me? She’s the one who kissed me tonight. I didn’t start that. I did finish it, though. God, she looked devastated. I would beat the ass of any guy that made her look that way, didn’t think I would be the one to do it.
But there’s something about her I can’t let go of. Something I want to hold onto. Help flourish and grow. I just don’t know if she wants the same.
My phone rings right at six pm, like clockwork.
“Hello, Arden. How are you doing this week?”
“Hey, Melissa.” I settle onto my mattress to take this call.
When I lay down while I’m on the phone with her, it always reminds me of those therapist couches and it makes me laugh so I opt to sit up against the headboard instead.
I have music playing from my TV speakers to drown out any noise that might travel into the living room.
I’m not even sure if Danika is in there but just to be safe. “I’m doing okay. How are you?”
“I’m doing well. Is there anything specific you want to bring up today?”
“Danika and I kissed.”
“Yes, you told me. At the party, right?”
I shake my head but she obviously can't see that. “We kissed again.”
“I see. Was this another performance?”
Of course I told Melissa all about the fake dating Danika and I are doing. She helped me make sense of it in its early stages. But now it’s hitting a point where I’m not sure what’s real and what’s fake.
“It wasn’t. We were messing around and then she kissed me.”
Melissa hums on the other side of the phone, encouraging me to continue talking through the situation.
“And it was really fucking nice, to tell you the truth. But I stopped it.”
“You stopped it?”
“Yes.”
“How come?”
It’s a very good question. A question I’ve been asking myself since it happened. Danika was soft beneath me. She moaned in my ear. Her touch lit me on fire. But I held myself back.
“We haven’t agreed to anything beyond a fake relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of the situation.”
“But you said she kissed you first.”
“Yes.”
“So, wouldn’t you think that was her opening the door for something more? Something she’s comfortable with?”
“That’s just it, though. I don’t know if she’s comfortable or if it’s the situation that’s comfortable. We’ve kissed before. Last year. And when we were younger. So we are familiar with each other in that way. But those times were different. The circumstances were different. There were no stakes.”
“And now there are stakes?”
“Yes.”
“What kind of stakes?”
I sigh, running my hand down my face. “Well, for one thing, we live together. I don’t want her to think that she has to keep me happy in order to maintain her room and board.
” Melissa hums so I continue. “And also, she’s from a deeply broken household.
I don’t know every detail but I know her father is an angry, violent man and I know she’s fought tooth and nail to pull herself out of that environment.
She rarely goes home to visit her parents.
She hates spending time in her childhood home. ”
“So, it seems like Danika’s independence is a huge part of her character.”
“Absolutely.”
“Have you connected that at all to your feelings of abandonment from your mother’s leaving?”
I blink a few times. “I haven’t. Not until just now.”
Melissa chuckles. “Well, what do you think?”
I think for a moment. It makes sense. Danika is fiercely independent.
She can and will do anything she needs to do on her own.
When Melissa and I have spoken before, we’ve talked about how I have a deep-rooted fear of being left behind since my mother left us when we were just kids.
I was forced to grow up much sooner than I should have, especially after dad was injured.
Ever since then and especially after starting these sessions with Melissa, I’ve come to realize that I need people to need me, otherwise I feel aimless. Lost.
I need Danika to need me. Because I need her.
“If she leaves me one day, if this whole thing ends, I’ll be alone again."
“Is that such a bad thing? You’ve been doing quite well for yourself thus far. You supported your family through tragedy, you’re working on a degree that’ll earn you your dream career, all things said you seem to be on a great path all by yourself.”
“But I don’t want to be all by myself,” I parrot her words back to her.
“What do you want?”
I want her.
Let’s face it. I’ve always wanted her.
“I think I want something real with Danika. Without the strings. Without the stakes. Without the fear.”
“And do you think that’s attainable?”
“Melissa,” I sigh. “I have absolutely no idea.”
Another Friday, another party. Another opportunity to “fake date” while trying to understand my true feelings for Danika. It’s all becoming too much. I don’t know how much longer I can fake it. Or if I even want to.
Danika takes my hands and puts them on her hips, swaying me with the music blasting through the TV speakers. Her ex hovers in the corner.
“You’re only doing this because he’s watching.”
“So? Isn’t that the whole point of this? Come on, grab me tighter.”
The thought of touching her right now makes me sick. I know I agreed to a fake situation but the more I’m close to her like this, the more real it feels. It was stupid of me to agree to this. I should’ve known I wouldn’t be able to touch her and keep my cool about it.
“I’m going to get another drink. You want one?”
Danika nods, spinning away to dance with Gemma who has her hair in pigtails with pink streaks in each for some reason.
I take the momentary break to catch my breath.
I need to stop being such a pussy about this whole thing.
Yes, I want her, but I should be able to separate my real feelings from this dumb game we’re playing.
I’m a grown man. I know what’s real and what’s fake. Then why does this feel real to me?
Shaking my head, I make my way past the coeds toward the kitchen where there’s a bucket of ice and some beer bottles.
I never thought I’d find myself one frat house party let alone two but here I am.
The Kappa guys don’t seem too bad, actually.
I guess my sister’s boyfriend, Alex, left a good mark on them when he graduated.
Grabbing two beers, I head back toward the makeshift dance floor in the living room.
Danika is shaking her little ass out on the floor without a care in the world of who’s watching. The thought brings a smile to my face. Hell, I know her ex is absolutely watching but he’s not allowed to do anything about it.
Nope, that ass is all mine. And right now, I’m going to take advantage of every chance I have to touch her. Placing the unopened beers down on the nearest table, I stalk toward Danika like a lion stalking prey. She has no idea what’s coming to her and I’m going to take every advantage I can get.
With a hand on her neck, I whip Danika around so she’s facing me, her wild red hair whipping me in the arm at the sudden movement.
“Hey, big guy, did you–”
She doesn’t get a chance to finish the sentence because my mouth collides with hers in such a way that she won’t be thinking about anything else for a month.
Immediately, she collapses into me, taking the kiss more than willingly.
Her arms go around my neck and I pull her in by the waist with my free hand.
My tongue greedily coaxes her mouth open and she happily lets me in. A soft moan leaves her lips and I feel my entire body physically tighten. Sweetly, I kiss her lips, lingering my forehead on hers before I pull back to look into her eyes.
“Well that was…” Danika starts. “Was Nico looking?”
I’m jolted back to the present like a whip to the back. “Yeah, he was.” I say, nodding. Walking back to the table, I grab our beers, pop open the cap and down half before I’ve even given Danika hers.
“I’m gonna get some air outside.”
“There’s a fire pit out there. Let me pee and then I’ll join you.”
Nodding, I head toward the backyard, seeing the firepit from the doorway. I settle into an adirondack chair and sip my beer, waiting.
“You know, you don’t have to keep putting on a show for me. I get it.” Nico slides into the seat next to mine. I don’t give him the attention he’s craving, just sipping my drink and waiting for Danika to get out here.
“Did you hear me? I’m done. You win.”
“It’s not a fucking competition, asshole. And even if it was, you were never in the running anyway so this concession is useless.”
In my periphery, I see him take a sip of his beer and then nod. He gets up and has the gall to pat my knee. It takes every calming technique in my arsenal to not rip his fucking face off.
“All the best to you both. Although I bet you already know she’s frigid as fuck.”
My knuckles are white from how tightly I’m gripping the seat arms. If this prick so much as breathes in my direction one more time, I’m going to have to call Melissa immediately after I rip his throat from his body.
“Nico, get lost,” Danika says from behind me and it’s like a calm breeze has floated over me. She has no idea how close I was to snapping and the fact that she came at just the right time is not meaningless.
Nico mutters some nonsense I care nothing about as he saunters away and Danika takes his seat.
“Good conversation?”
“Thrilling,” I deadpan. Danika only shakes her head. She knows better than most that nothing but bile comes out of that boy’s mouth.
“Are you okay? You seem…off.”
“I’m fine, Dani.”
“You haven’t called me…”
I look over at her.
“You haven’t called me brat in a while.”
She actually looks sheepish. I’ve never seen her look sheepish in her entire life. It’s adorable.
“I guess you haven’t been much of a brat lately.” The gleam in her eye says she’s ready to take on that challenge. She finishes her beer, placing the bottle on the edge of the chair, she stands.
“That kiss inside. Nico was nowhere in sight.”
I’ve been caught redhanded but I don’t feel one ounce badly about it. In fact, I’m more than happy to tell her everything about how I feel about her. I’m just not sure she’s ready to hear it.
I only grunt in response.
Danika narrows her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest, the motion pushing her perfect cleavage up closer to her gorgeous face.
Ah, fuck. This is not the place I want to get an erection.
But god, I love her feisty attitude. It matches perfectly with her blazing red hair.
Hair long enough for me to wrap around my fist. Twice.
She’s giving me that look that says she’s waiting for me to tell her something but I know she’s not ready to hear what I have to say. But maybe I’m tired of waiting.