Chapter 25
Chapter Twenty-Five
Arden
“I have amendments.”
Cheeks full of popcorn, Danika glances up at me. “Ammenmens?” she mutters, adorably confused.
That conversation with Danika couldn’t have come at a better time for me as I was about to have a session with Melissa. I already had enough ammo from overhearing Danika’s conversation with my sister this morning but this just adds to that.
I had no idea that I was going to walk into Danika in the sexiest outfit I’ve ever seen in my life when I got home from work. I was expecting her to be lounging on the couch, top bun, sweats and a t-shirt, slaving over a textbook, like usual. She still looks beautiful then too.
I was expecting to try and hold her off until my session with Melissa and then talk to her about everything once I had the right tools.
But that all went out the window when her robe hit the floor.
Melissa's call comes in right at the six o'clock mark. She’s alarmingly punctual.
“Melissa.”
“Hi, Arden. How are you today?”
“Honestly, I’ve got so much to say that I think we need to skip the pleasantries today.”
“Oh boy, please go on,” she says, the sound of a pen clicking in the distance.
I spend the next few minutes recapping the events of the day, from the overheard conversation to the sexual encounter—leaving out the dirtier details—to the conversation Danika and I just had on the couch.
“So, what should I do?” I ask in earnest, even though I know she’s not going to give me a real answer.
“You know I’m not going to answer that.” Worth a try. “Let’s unpack some of this.”
I sigh, putting my feet up on my desk.
“How did you feel when you heard Danika call you violent?”
“Well, she didn’t actually say the word but, yeah it was implied.”
Melissa stays silent on the other side of the phone, and I know that’s her cue for me to continue.
I wish we didn’t have to do these sessions over the phone but I started seeing her shortly before coming to study at TU last year and I just don’t have it in me to find someone else.
Finding and committing to seeing her was hard enough for me.
“I guess it made me feel bad. Weak. Unworthy of her.”
“What do you mean, weak?”
Running my hands through my buzzed head, I think of how to word my confusing thoughts.
“I’ve spent a lot my time worrying about Danika. When we were kids, I saw how her parents were treating her, and I guess I decided to take her in as a sister of sorts like Margot. But, it became pretty apparent as we both grew up that it was more than a sibling kind of feeling. At least for me.
The last way I think of her now is like a sister,” I laugh.
“I’m not seeing how your worrying about her makes you weak.”
“It’s not that, exactly. It’s more like my willpower is weak when it comes to her.
My techniques go out the window. Like when I hit that guy at the party last week.
I’ve spent months doing really good work on my anger and it seemed under control, but one cry from her and I was back at square one. It scared her.”
“I see.”
“I want her to see me as someone who will protect her but I don’t want her to ever think that I would use my anger against her.”
“Have you ever done that?”
“Of course not.” My feet drop to the floor with a thud at the very suggestion. “I just know her parents really messed her up. I don’t know the full extent of it but, yeah. She’s got some demons in that pretty head of hers.”
Melissa hums in understanding.
“Before we end, let’s tackle this friends with benefits topic.”
It’s kind of funny to be so open with a random person like this, but therapy has taught me that being open and vulnerable is the only way to understand and make sense of your feelings.
“She wants to ‘enjoy the benefits of our pretend relationship’, unquote.”
“Do you want to do that too?”
“Fuck yes. I’ve wanted her for years at this point. This should be a dream come true.”
“Should?”
Standing up, I pace the room. I don’t know how to voice the fact that, if I agree to a friends with benefits relationship with Danika, that I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop my feelings for her from growing even stronger.
It’s been hard enough without sex. And these “fake” kisses and touches we’ve been sharing have not made things easier.
“The real dream is having her all to myself. No pretend shit. Real.”
I’m sure Melissa is nodding. She’s jotting something down, I can hear her pen going. “May I make a suggestion?”
“Please,” I reply, desperate for any help at this point.
“Why don’t you counter her offer with one of your own. Her rules are no sleepovers, no commitment and not telling her sister. Why don’t you come up with your own rules that make the arrangement more comfortable for you and her both. A compromise.”
Compromise. Hm. Not a bad idea.
“Think about that, Arden, and I’ll be interested to hear how it all went when we reconvene later in the week.”
“Thanks, Melissa. Have a good night.”
“You too, Arden.” She hangs up the phone and then it’s just me and my racing thoughts. My own rules. What rules do I want to set to Danika so that I have some control of the situation? Something to protect my heart a bit?
After spending another few minutes or so mulling it over, I emerge from my bedroom.
Danika swallows the popcorn in her mouth. “What amendments? Also, what is this? The constitution?”
Pulling over a dining room chair—because I don’t trust myself on the couch with her—I sit in front of her, my elbows propped on my knees.
“I’m okay with rule one but if accidents happen, don’t beat yourself up too much about it. I’m an excellent cuddler.”
Her jaw drops and it seems like she wants to protest but I don’t give her the chance.
“I like rule two, but I want to add on an exclusivity clause. We don’t need the real labels, but I want to be sure we’re only doing this with each other. If at any point, you want to start seeing someone else, then we’ll stop.”
Danika closes her mouth and nods.
“Rule three: I don’t keep things from my sister. And you shouldn’t either. She’s your best friend.”
“Fine,” Danika says stubbornly. “But I want to be the one to tell her.”
“Deal.”
“Are you ready to make this official now?” Dani stands, extending her hand toward me again. This time I take her hand, giving it a firm shake once and then I use it to pull her down onto my lap. Her legs straddle my hips and she gasps slightly as she settles into the position.
“Oh, you mean now now,” Dani giggles and the sound is music to my years. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply. I return the affection, using my own arms to pull her body closer to mine. I need the closeness. Crave it.
But I also need to study for my statistics test.
And having my tutor wrapped around my increasingly growing erection isn’t going to help me pass.
Placing gentle kisses down her jaw to her neck, I lean in to whisper in her ear. “It’s stats time.”
Danika groans, her head whipping back, sending her long cascades waves down to my knees. “Fine, but only because I know you’re useless without me. But after, we’re totally boning.”
“Boning?”
“Yes, Arden,” she leans in, rubbing her tight little butt over the bulge in my jeans. “I’m going to ride you like a cowgirl.”
It takes all the willpower I have to not take her up on that offer right then and there.
But I have an exam tomorrow and I need to get as much help as she’s willing to offer me.
With one more chaste kiss, Dani gets up from my lap and heads toward the dining room table.
Reluctantly, and with a few maneuvers of my jeans, I follow.
“Why can’t I ever remember the difference between median and mode?”
Danika balances the textbook on her lap. “Think of it this way, median is the middle. And a mediator is someone who’s in the middle of other people’s problems.”
Our study session had moved to the couch because Danika was tired of sitting on the hard chairs and wanted to wrap a blanket around herself. No complaints here, because it meant I could touch her as much as I wanted to.
“And what’s mode again?”
“The number that shows up the most. Like…you. You’re always showing up for me.” Danika nudges my shoulder playfully.
“Are you calling me the mode?”
“As long as you don’t call me the mean.”
“What are we even talking about?”
“I’m not sure,” Danika laughs, closing the textbook. “I have an idea. Let’s think of a data set to help you remember.” She pulls her notebook from her bag and opens to a blank page. “Give me a list of something.”
“A list of what?”
“Anything! Just whatever ratio data you have.”
“Ratio is equal and zero that is true,” Under my breath, I recall the rhyme we had made a few sessions ago to help me remember. Danika smiles as she holds her pen over the paper expectantly.
I think of an idea, pulling my phone out and opening to our text thread. “Okay, write this down.” I scroll up our thread, counting. “Four, five, one…” I keep scrolling “Four, two, two, three.” I close my phone, looking back at her.
“What are those numbers?”
“The number of times you didn’t text me back each day last week.”
Her jaw drops. “That’s not fair, you know I barely know where my phone is half the time.”
I only shrug, a smirk on my face as I point toward her notebook. She pushes it onto my lap, letting out a massive yawn in the process.
“Here, you do the work. Find the mean, median and mode of that sad set of data. But don’t get all M.A.D. about it.” Glancing over at her, I narrow my eyebrows in confusion. “Mean absolute deviation? Not yet? Okay, nevermind.”
I set to my calculations, trying my best to ignore the way her knee touches my outer thigh. Even with the thick blanket, I can still feel her warmth against me.
Remembering what she said about the median and mode, I work through the problems, taking time to make sure I’m getting everything correct.
“And…done.” I hear her gentle snores before I see that she’s totally passed out. She must be exhausted from all this work she’s doing.
So much for boning. I think briefly but I would never hold that against her. I’m lucky to get anything that I’ve gotten from her today. It feels like I’m in a dream and I’m hoping the bubble doesn’t burst tomorrow when she wakes up and comes to her senses.
I should bring her to her bed but I don’t want to risk waking her up. Instead, I pull the blanket up to her neck and plug her phone into the charger by the couch, not wanting her to miss any alarms for the morning.
I can’t resist placing a soft kiss on her forehead before I head into my own room for the night. Softly closing my door, I collapse onto my bed, a jumble of thoughts in my head. No time to parse through them now. Turns out, I’m just as exhausted as she is.