Chapter 26
Rowan woke slowly, the smell of damp wood and ash surrounding her. Weak morning light filtered through the tree branches overhead. The scratchy edge of the woolen blanket tickled at her nose.
Her first thought was surprise that it was so late. The sun was already up. Casrian hadn’t woken her for watch.
Her second thought was awareness of the unfamiliar ache in her body. She was sore. Not from riding Copper and sleeping on cold ground. But in a lovely, sated way that had her rolling onto her back and stretching her arms overhead.
Memories flooded in with the motion and heat rushed through her.
An image of her writhing beneath Casrian while his fingers pushed inside her.
His hooded blue eyes staring down at her so intensely.
His hard cock rubbing against her thigh.
She’d begged him to fuck her, and he hadn’t. He’d made her come…
God.
He’d finger-fucked her into oblivion, then he gathered all of her shattered pieces back together and guarded her all night.
With a groan, she sat up and looked around the camp.
Her gaze found Casrian. He crouched beside the fire only a few feet away, preparing tea.
She could tell by the heat in his eyes that, yes, that had actually happened last night.
It hadn’t been a strange dream. She could tell by the careful way he watched her that he was waiting to see how she would react.
Maybe he thought her mind had broken under the strain. That she’d become witch-snared like those men. She wondered if he regretted touching her even though she asked him to. She wondered if he regretted stopping her when she tried to touch him.
Heat crept up her neck. She might be forthright, but she couldn’t seem to find the words to ask.
“You didn’t wake me for watch,” she said, her voice rough.
“You needed the sleep.” His gaze never wavered from her face. “Are you all right?”
So many ways to answer that.
She pulled the blanket around her as she folded her legs into a more comfortable position. She wasn’t wearing clothes. She didn’t know how to rectify that without giving Casrian an eyeful. Well, more of an eyeful than he’d already had. She felt strangely vulnerable considering what had happened.
“My head is clear, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m sore.” Something shifted in his expression and she hurried to add, “From riding. I’ll have to use the liniment again, but I’ll be ready to go as soon as I clean up.”
He nodded and then poured hot water into two mugs. He got up and handed one to her. “I washed your jacket. It’s only slightly damp. The shirt next to it is one of mine. It will be too big, but it’s clean.”
She looked over at his neatly folded shirt and her coat laid out on a rock beside the fire.
The coat looked better than it had when they set out from Toam.
She thought he might have brushed it. He’d folded her breeches too and stuffed a thick pair of woolen socks into her boots.
The socks weren’t hers. She didn’t own a pair of socks that fine.
The sight of her things all lined up like that made her throat tighten. She swallowed a sip of tea to force the feeling away.
She wasn’t used to people doing things for her.
Her mother had taken good care of her when she was young, but after Jarn their positions reversed.
They were a team. Her mother was still a healer.
She had the garden and her chickens, but Rowan had taken over the bulk of the work to keep the household running.
Rowan was the one who dealt with the other people in Toam and made sure they had shelter and enough money and food to survive.
She made sure the laundry was done and the wood was cut and the roof patched and their stores dry.
It was strange, having someone watch out for her for a change.
“Thank you.” She gathered up her courage and forced herself to look him in the eye again. “Last night, I was…”
She swallowed, trying to figure out how to finish that. Shattered? Aching? Unhinged?
“Not in your right mind,” he finished for her, taking a seat on a fallen log beside the fire. “Like I told you, it happens sometimes.”
She doubted that. She couldn’t imagine Casrian doing the same thing for one of the men on his patrol.
Her hands tightened around the mug. “I couldn’t think about anything except for getting the blood off of me. Thank you for…for helping me get past that.”
He looked at her for a heartbeat, his expression unreadable. “You don’t need to thank me for what happened.”
“I didn’t…” She winced, then forced herself to continue. She needed to know. “I didn’t force you into anything you didn’t want to do, did I?”
“You did not. God, Rowan, I—” He broke off and looked away. Something raw crossed his face before he controlled it. “No,” he said firmly. “You didn’t force me into anything I didn’t want.” He met her gaze again. “Do you have regrets?”
“None,” she said immediately and sincerely. “It felt wonderful.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
He didn’t sound glad.
She stared down at the tea in her cup. Casrian seemed miles away this morning and she didn’t like that. She couldn’t help but feel like she’d done or said something wrong.
She’d never had a lover before so she didn’t know all the rules.
In Toam, you could sleep with whoever you wanted so long as you didn’t poach.
But she knew in Sulen it was different. People in Sulen treated sex outside of marriage like a dirty secret.
Maybe that was the way things were in the city.
Maybe she was breaking rules by talking about it at all.
Her lack of manners. Gavin had never talked to her again after she’d rejected him. Maybe that was it.
Or maybe Casrian was frustrated for another reason…
She looked up and was caught by how beautiful he looked sitting there in a patch of sunlight, all golden and shiny.
“I can make you come if you want,” she offered.
He’d just taken a sip of his tea and he choked on it.
When he caught his breath, he didn’t say anything, just stared at her, so she continued on.
“I would have made you come last night, but you didn’t seem to want that.
But I could do it now. It’s only fair. I do have manners, even if you think I don’t. ”
“Rowan…” He trailed off and then shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything.”
“George says that when men don’t come, they—”
“Please don’t finish that sentence. I don’t want to know what George thinks about…that.” His eyes narrowed. “Why would you even—? You know what? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I’ve never lain with George, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’ve just heard him say that men get cranky if they don’t come often enough. Something about seed swelling in their balls.”
Casrian’s expression hardened. “I’m going to murder George for even thinking about his balls in your presence. He never should have said something like that to you.”
“To be fair to George, he said it to Rina at the tavern. I just happened to be standing next to her.”
“That doesn’t make it better.”
“He was paying her for her time.”
He made a disgusted noise in his throat. It sounded almost like a growl.
“You are upset though,” she said.
He’d made her come. He’d washed her coat and fixed her tea. She’d only meant to thank him and she was screwing it up.
“I’m not upset,” he said.
He clearly was. His face had gone red and there was a savage glint to his eyes.
“Is it because you think I’m beneath you?
” she asked, trying not to let it sting.
“You regret touching me because I’m not one of your ladies from the capital who wears dresses and reads lots of books.
If you’re worried it will give me ideas about keeping you, it won’t.
You made it clear you weren’t interested in that. ”
“I don’t think you’re beneath me,” he said. “I’ve never thought that. Where would you even get that idea?”
Everyone else thought she was beneath them. She knew that. All the people in Jarn. All of the people in Sulen. Hell, most of the people in Toam thought she was beneath them.
She nodded, accepting his answer, even though she didn’t entirely believe it.
He had wanted her last night. She’d felt his cock.
She’d seen his face. She’d been willing.
If it wasn’t that he thought so poorly of her, then why’d he say no?
She took another sip of her tea while she thought about it.
She hated this. She never should have gotten close to the witch hunter no matter how beautiful he was.
But she had to know…
“Why did you stop?”
He looked at her for a long moment, like he was weighing his words. Finally, he said, “You weren’t yourself last night. It would have been taking advantage of you. You didn’t even know what you were offering.”
“I knew what I was offering.”
“You hate me.”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t seem to stop me from wanting you.”
Besides she wasn’t even sure that she hated him anymore.
It seemed to her that she hated some other witch hunter who went around branding innocent women and generally being an arrogant, disagreeable prick.
She didn’t think that this Casrian would like that man very much either.
Whatever it was she felt toward him was more complicated than simple hate.
She did want him. It was stupid to keep pretending that she didn’t.
She’d never told a man that she wanted him before. It might have been the scariest thing she’d ever done and that was saying something. Scarier than the woods. Scarier than the witch.
Scarier still was waiting for his response.
His blue eyes fixed on her.
As the moment stretched, she felt a weight settle in her stomach, mixing with the weak tea and making her feel queasy.
He opened his mouth. Started to say something.
Stopped. Finally, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“I went too far. You’re under my command as a hired guide.
It was inappropriate to touch you. There are rules… ”
She scoffed. “Rules.”