16. OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
The puppy showed up in the early morning.
A tri-colored mutt with stained paws from red dirt and a face dusted with bright yellow pollen from the flowers it had sniffed in apprehension and then attempted to eat.
The puppy whined and stumbled into the garden.
He chased frogs and crickets that flailed into the air in spastic zigzags to find camouflage and peace.
Olivia noticed the puppy right away. She wanted to catch him.
Lure him, then keep him. She paced back and forth, back and forth, while keeping an eye on the wall at the end of the hall.
The cracks in the wall emitted yellow light and then green, and then an orange glow radiated out like golden hour into the hall.
Isela told her never to go in. She warned Olivia that nothing good was in that room.
Olivia didn’t want to deal with the physical repercussions of going against her mother.
A shiver started at the top of her head and worked its way down to her toes.
Olivia witnessed her mother walking into the room every night, and then coming out of it drenched in sweat. Sometimes, she didn’t come out at all.
The puppy could be lured with snacks. Olivia went through the cabinets and into the fridge.
She took out a block of cheese and cut rectangular slices with a butter knife.
She ran to her room, emptied out one of her old backpacks and threw the cheese inside.
She placed the backpack on the ground and made kissing sounds toward the puppy.
The puppy beelined toward Olivia. Quick on her feet, Olivia picked it up to give it a bath in the backyard.
The puppy playfully bit at her hands and wrists.
He licked her face. It smelled heavenly. Like only a newborn being could smell.
After the bath, Olivia let the puppy roam.
He sprinted and bumbled toward the oak trees.
Olivia was a giant in comparison and caught up.
She scooped the puppy up and instantly felt a warmth in her chest. She kissed his forehead.
She put him down and rubbed his chubby belly.
The puppy had green eyes and two markings on his head which made him look like he had eyebrows.
Olivia held him in a towel. She rocked him back and forth.
She sang to him. She kissed him again. She smelled his paws and his head and his breath. It was all intoxicating.
She imagined herself growing up with this dog.
She decided to name him Goyangi, which means cat in Korean, but she liked how it sounded for a dog.
His nickname would be Go-Go for short. Go-Go could be her new best friend.
At school, friends were scarce. Not for a lack of trying.
Even when she wanted to, Olivia was not allowed to go to any birthday parties, sleepovers, or after-school clubs.
Her main opportunity to socialize was during lunch, but she would often spend that time in the library alone reading a new book.
Olivia thanked the saints, as she was convinced that Go-Go was sent to her to make her feel less alone.
She thanked her ancestors. She thanked the earth.
She thanked the puppy for being there. She kissed his paws and let him bite her braids and her fingers with his tiny sharp teeth.
Olivia fed Go-Go carrots and cucumber and followed behind him to clean up after any waste he left behind.
He wandered toward the river and Olivia went along with him, ready to show Go-Go her trinket collection.
Go-Go led her to a trash can near a popular trail entrance.
Something had scavenged and littered empty granola bar wrappers all over the ground.
Olivia thought this must be like treasure to the pup.
She picked up the trash, and they walked along the trail which Olivia knew by heart.
Go-Go seemed to be a wanderer. This made Olivia suspicious for a moment.
What if he was some kind of trickster?
Did fae use puppies as lures?
Dirt and rocks crunched under her feet. The air was heavy with the depth of blooming cottonwoods.
Sun rays shone through the fractals of branches above her and left diamond shaped shadows on the trail.
Go-Go zoomed ahead then looked back and waited for Olivia to catch up.
At the end of the trail, she picked him up and kissed his nose.
She took him home and they ran circles around the house.
She let him nap in her room. She made him a bed with a pillow and fluffy blankets.
She napped next to him. It was all so surreal.
This was love at first sight. She loved him.
Deeply. She didn’t want to imagine a future without Go-Go, but ultimately, she understood it could all be taken from her.
A trace of anger vibrated in her gut. Is this what a mom is supposed to feel?
Endless fear? As though it could all be gone in an instant?
Then, there’s nothing. Just an emptiness?
A void in the belly? An ache in the throat?
Olivia sat up in bed and watched as Go-Go slept.
When Isela got home, Olivia asked her in a whisper, Do you think we could ever have a dog?
Isela scoffed, And then what? I waste money on a little creature that only eats and shits and cries? I become responsible for another little thing?
Olivia looked into her mother’s eyes. Can we please have a dog?
Enraged at the question, Isela turned the TV on and blasted the volume. Olivia covered her ears at the jolt of sound.
I never had any animals and I turned out fine! Isela sighed and turned the volume down. You'll live without a dog.
What if a dog just showed up? Sort of like a miracle?
A stray is not a miracle. A stray is a nuisance. A stray is an omen. Did you see a dog today?
Olivia nodded.
Where is it?
Olivia didn’t respond.
Where is the dog?
Olivia could feel the back of her throat tightening into a cry, but she held it back. She pointed to her room.
Get it out of the house. NOW.
Olivia wanted to scream. She held it in. Her face turned hot.
What if Dad wants a dog? Can we keep him then?
Olive, don’t start. Don’t you dare go to your dad and start a fight between us.
What if he says yes?
Keep the dog until your dad gets here. Let’s see what he says.
Alfonso never showed up. Olivia slept with Go-Go until around 3:00AM.
Isela crept into Olivia’s room and picked up the puppy.
The puppy whined and licked the top of her hand.
She walked toward the mossy door, her hand reaching for the handle.
She stood there for a moment and turned away.
She walked toward the front door instead, opened the garden gate, placed the puppy down and watched as he wandered into the darkness.