Chapter 1 #2
“I knew what I was getting myself into. We were both grieving and needed a distraction. But this didn’t end after a few quickies. It’s been months—years, even!”
I was so careful in the first few weeks; I did everything I could in the beginning to make sure I didn’t get feelings for him.
I wouldn’t even stay the night at his flat, despite him begging me to every time.
There was nothing worse than having to drive home in the pitch black in the middle of winter, taking the back mountain lane so no one would spot my car leaving his street. I really was his dirty secret.
But he kept calling, I kept going back, and after a few months passed, I eventually caved and started spending the night.
I let myself get attached because he made me feel good, maybe even a little bit wanted for once.
Naively, I assumed he felt the same, that this had become more than just a distraction.
Elis leaned his forehead against the steering wheel and let out a long sigh, his knuckles turning white from his tight grip on the steering wheel.
“I can’t do it again, Non. I can’t face everyone knowing we’re a thing, not after we lost…” He closed his eyes. “We should never have done this; it’s so wrong.” Sitting upright in his seat, he ran a hand down his face. “Going public makes everything complicated.”
Frustration heated my cheeks, and I turned in my seat to face him fully.
“No. You don’t get to put this all on me, Elis.
You fell, too. I just finally admitted to myself how I feel.
I’m not ruining anything by asking for a pissing date.
You love the idea of me behind closed doors—what’s so wrong about making it public? ”
His jaw clenched as if it took all his will to bite back his reply.
“Look, ride the guilt train all you want, but I’m not getting on.
We didn’t start this”—I gestured between us— “until six months after Catrin died. The two of you weren’t serious; you hardly saw each other while she was in Hospice.
Anyway, Jackie practically forced the two of you together once she caught wind you’d done the deed.
I couldn’t give two shits what anyone thinks about us together. ”
A few moments of silence passed, and Elis remained staring out the window, his jaw clenched.
With everything I wanted to say already out there, I should have left the van and gone back to work.
But I couldn’t seem to pull my eyes away from the side of his face, terrified that if I did, I wouldn’t have the courage to look back again.
Elis took a deep breath. “I know what I had with Cat was never serious. We were young and just liked spending time together. It was fun for a while, but then, as people found out, everyone was in our business. All of a sudden, people started asking all these big questions all the time. ‘How will you manage long distance?’ and ‘Will you share a flat if you both get into the same university?’ It forced us to become a lot more serious than I think we were ready for.”
My gut twisted at the sadness in his eyes just from saying her name.
We’d hardly spoken about her the whole time we’d been seeing each other.
His grieving process has been to just pretend she didn’t exist and bottle it all up.
Push everyone away so he doesn’t have to answer uncomfortable questions.
My grief just made me numb, most of the time, anyway.
A silent stabbing pain that, after a while, I’d stopped noticing.
“I like what we have.” He turned to face me, reaching down and taking my right hand in his.
“I like talking to you. What we have has made the past year after losing Cat bearable. But I’m just not ready to go through all that again, Non.
We have so much fun.” He flicked my nose. “Can’t it just stay that way?”
It was pathetic how little fight I put up, but before I knew it, I was nodding in agreement. He lifted my knuckles and placed a quick kiss to them, but I saw the way his eyes looked out the front windscreen, checking to make sure no one could see us.
He leaned over, tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “I missed you. Weekends have been boring without you. What time do you finish work?”
This was our usual Saturday routine, before he’d stopped speaking to me.
I’d finish work around midnight, providing it wasn’t busy, and he’d ask me to go round his flat, and the messy cycle would continue.
We’d fuck, I’d stay the night, and we would act like two people in love until we fell asleep.
He’d usually kick me out at the ungodly time of six in the morning because his mother liked to come around and visit on Sundays.
I had no family that came to visit me anymore, but the hour always seemed strange.
“Usual time,” I said, pressing my lips into a forced smile. “And I’ll be out of your hair first thing in the morning. It’s been ages since I last saw Cat, and I’m due a visit.”
He scoffed and turned to look out the window once more. “I wish you wouldn’t talk about her like she is still here. It’s fucking weird.”
I flinched at his barb, but I really didn’t feel like arguing, so I kept my thoughts to myself. We had only just reconciled, and the last few weeks without seeing him had been nothing short of miserable.
“This is my last delivery of the evening, but I have some stuff I need to get done afterwards. I can call you once I’m home?”
I gave him a small nod and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek. He reared back and nodded to the empty alley in front of us.
“Not here, Non! What if someone sees us?”